Touching

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I've noticed that a lot of NTs engage in physical contact with each other as a sign of affection.

From hugging, to shoulder rubbing, to pats on the back to slaps on the butt, it's something that friends do with each other (regardless of gender).

People have done some of the aforementioned actions to me and I appreciate it and take it as a sign that they like me.

However, I have trouble reciprocating. I feel really awkward when I'm thinking about patting someone on the back or rubbing their shoulders and I have never (even jokingly) slapped someone's butt.

The few times I have tried, I got the feeling that they felt awkward about it too. It's probably because I went about it awkwardly, I suppose it must be.

What should I do to solve this problem? I want to be able to do it like everyone else.

I cannot give you any golden tibits of information that will make you function as a normal person or at least fake it covincingly. I have pissed off countless people by pulling away from people's touching me. I have also pushed people's hands off my shoulder only to see them frown or scowl as if I had spit into their faces. I have even made a woman tear up when she tried to put her hand on mine when she thanked me for helping her when her husband died. I cannot stand to be touched or to touch others and for the past forty years of trying I have always failed. Even when I force myself to accept the touch it causes me to look like a mental patient or something. Good luck on trying to find a way to cope or fake it. May you have better luck than me.

Generally, when people do stuff like that, they walk away afterwards or generally do something else without examining the implications of what just happened. Try that; it tends to work for the first three. However, I woudn't suggest slapping people on the butt for any reason, because without the right people involved, you will look like a huge pervert, not to mention what happens if you miss...

Do not force yourself to do something you feel uncomfortable doing, it will always come out awkward. Not to mention it could end up making people mock you or end up with a long conversation with your human rescources person if it was done at work. Getting advice from other awkward aspies is like getting sex advice from a virgin. I am not saying that to be mean or to sound funny but you should take what anyone says on this with a grain of salt. The best a person with aspergers can do to help you is to tell you how to fake it, When people ask why I do not high five or bump fists I tell them I do not do it out of respect for African American culture and white people have stolen enough from their culture. At least it lets people think I am politcally correct and have empathy for others.

I hate touching...

I love to touch and be touched. I'm a very affectionate person.

YES! This has been a problem for me - try being on the [American] football team! Tackling or blocking, I don't have problems being on the receiving end, but me initiating it? I would always go up to the drills thinking, "I'll do it right this time..." then when it's turn for me to tackle/block... I couldn't. It wasn't enough for them to tell me how to do it, it was getting my arms around them, or even mentally orientating myself to make contact with others. It just didn't happen.

Someone gives me a hug. Okay, yeah. Me give them a hug back? Uh... right. I can't do it as well. It has to be awkward for me for some reason! I do it so little, and most of the time when I give someone a hug back, it doesn't work out as well. Regardless of the gender.

Of course, when I considered Asperger's, it all seemed to make sense, so yeah. The part of being on the football team not knowing that, ticked me off so much.

So... I'd advise just not trying, I guess. Hugs, on one hand, that might be something worthwhile to figure out or work on, but besides that, I don't think anything else is worth the effort.

I am fine with the formula stuff - we kiss both cheeks of particular family / close acquaintances as a greeting and shake hands with less familiar people, which is okay. But some people sometimes hug - I find that very unpredictable and very uncomfortable. Also the arm-touching, shoulder-patting and other unexpected touching are unpleasant.

When I see the touching on the news, it makes me think of alpha- and beta-male monkeys posturing (President GW Bush was famous for the "power-pat", and had one funny episode with President Sarkozy when both tried to do it).

I would encourage you not to do anything your uncomfortable with. Eventually the kids at my school learned that I just flat out did not want them to touch me unless I knew it was coming. There were relatively few who could get away with it (my German friend for example, I had no problems with him touching me and one friend commented that if he did any of that I would hit him) and when I could reciprocate and hug them or whatever, they seemed happier. It was like Sheldon hugging Penny in The Big Bang Theory, only instead of "Sheldon's hugging me!" it was "Apolla's hugging me!"

So take your time, do what's comfortable. It took me years to even tap a kid on the shoulder and we became really good friends years before I could bring myself to consciously touch him. Even NTs sometime have issues about touch. So just relax and don't try to mimic their exact movements, just try it when you can and want to. If anyone asks about it, just say that you're not comfortable touching and are trying to get over it.

Good luck!

The only touching that I don't understand, is butt slapping.

These things have to be done in a non-awkward sort of way that I am not capable of, so I do not try. I can not flirt verbally either. I get wierd when people do these things to me too because I can't seem to respond right.

I don't particularly being touched, as a brush of the shoulder can be painful for me. I don't touch other people just out of courtesy.

I can't stand being touched either. If I was a dog, the dog whisper would have lost a hand. I would bite people as a kid if they touched me. As an adult, stupid people sometimes touch me thinking they are funny but usualy end up getting punched, slapped or spat on. Touch, espicaly light touch is painful for me.

This is what is called kinesthetic affection in applied psych.

Odd synchronicity, but I've been spending a couple weeks researching this topic yet can't proceed any further. I have no idea on how to model it mathematically; it's the last of the major areas that I haven't been able to work out.
I've found that with kinesthetic affection:
-there's no books on this topic to show you what to do
-there's rarely any internet videos that show people in kinesthetic affect, and those that do are low-quality cellphone shots
-it's exceedingly culture-specific
-it's contextually confounded with other relationship indicators

I'm simply at a loss and can't truly finalize this stage of my research unless I can figure out a way to observe this in the open. Anyone have any ideas?

I don't mind being touched usually (if I know it's coming). Unexpected touching makes me freeze-up and sometimes recoil.

I have a real problem showing affection physically though. The first time I ever gave my mother a spontaneity hug was at age 32. I assume it was the first because she said "Joshua! That's the first time you've ever done that!"

Basically my parents thought I didn't like them do to my issues reciprocating affection. We recently discussed this. My mom had stories of me being oblivious about this going back to preschool. :-/

I often don't mind getting hugs but I feel awkward giving them. It doesn't really bother me to be touched unless I'm touched in some unexpected way. Like, my dad could accidentally bump into me and I get sort of upset. It's not so much issue that it causes me to scream but I just jump sometimes or I feel awkward by it.