Are you angry with yourself too?

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Some Aspies here want to be cured, so some of us are going to see how we an help eachother to create a cure. If you're someone who also hates AS, you're more than welcome to join us. I'm not clever enough to even make a start so I'm just going to see how they're getting on.

sometimes

I would like a cure but I don't believe it's possible for me because a cure would also have to erase most of my past and replace it with experiences that are closer to mainstream so I would have something safe to say when people asked me about my past or how I feel about certain things. Either that, or I'd have to become a full-time liar, making up a new past in full detail. So long as I can't connect with most people because my entire life experience has been so radically different from theirs, it doesn't matter what my neurology is.

Yes you deserve a rest from it. Why should you get angry at yourself for the problems other people present to you? I refuse to blame myself for anything nowadays.

I blame myself for everything. I blame myself for my brother's depression because I've always needed more attention through our childhood, and I'm still a big pain in the arse now, and because my brother is a shy NT and hasn't got as many friends now as he did at school, he's fallen into depression what he can't hoist himself out of. He probably finds it hard to talk about it to his parents because I'm always there always wanting the attention from my parents like a little baby. So I blame myself for getting myself set in my ways like that, and now my brother is set in his depression. What a ret*d I am!

I can't help having the mind of a 3 year old sometimes. I feel angry at myself, knowing that behaving like a normal 20 year old adult is too much for my dumb brain to handle. That is why I am angry at myself. I hate myself, and I want the cure when it's ready

Wouldn't it just be great to naturally act like a normal 20 year old without trying? Come on - agree with me - wouldn't it be wonderful?

I didn't even need to read the whole OP before I could tell this was written as though I'd done it myself.

I get moments from time to time when I feel like I'm just a thorn in everyone's side. I contemplate things like suicide.

Thankfully, they're only temporary.

You're too old for the cure. When they say they're working on a cure, what they really mean is that they're working on understanding the genetics of autism so they can do pre-natal testing and abort us before we're born. That's the cure.

Did you know that 90% of women who receive pre-natal testing and are told that they're carrying a Down's Syndrome baby choose to abort? And it used to be that only pregnant women over 35 were tested but a few years ago they developed a safer way to do pre-natal testing and now women of any age can be safely tested for Down's Syndrome babies. That's what the cure is pushing toward -- ever notice how little assistance and compassion existing autistic people and their families get from cure organizations? That's because people with autism and their families are just pawns to get more money to research our genetics so we can be eradicated.

The people who talk about a cure aren't interested in helping you or me. They're interested in making it so our kind won't exist in the first place. That's the great cure and you and I are far too old to "benefit" from it.

I really like your reasons for rejecting the cure.
For me it's just impossible to do in this day and age and it really just shows people that autism is only a negative thing. It's both a good and bad thing for me. But I choose to focus on the good it has given me.

OK, to the OP: You've just got a lot of anxiety and close to developing depression. Stop thinking about what people think about you. Anxious thoughts are 100% false and even if there was some truth to it - who cares? Yeah people might think I dress weird, am a nerd or emo because of my glasses or even ret*d because of my motor skill problems - but I could care less. I don't know them and will probably never see them again. They usually look far too mainstream and boring to ever want to befriend anyway.
I've done loads of embarrassing things as a kid. I once burst out laughing while an ambulance officers carried a man away. I actually didn't notice what was happening and was laughing for a completely different reason. I've said things to my parents and siblings I regret. The more I talk the more impulsive I am and I just go with it. I offend people, I annoy them and sometimes I'm a good person to hang around with.
I have a problem crossing the road and I used to think what the drivers thought but it happens so much I just don't care anymore.
At times I sound like I have no clue and others I sound like Stephen Hawking. I go with my positive traits that autism and ADHD has given me. I often visit the NT world and I hate it so much that I never want to be cured. Take my sensory issues away but not my other autistic traits.

I know I sound really positive but the truth is I've never had a job and I still live at home, and I've got such bad sensory issues and aversion of change that I can break down. I don't do well in friendships because people can offend me and I never want to be in a relationship. But I have my interests, my ideas and my deep analytical brain which keeps me so busy that I have no time to dwell on my flaws.

Look I've had severe social anxiety, bordering on agoraphobia. I've had severe depression and I've tried to take my own life. Those mental illnesses were horrible experiences and I never want to go through them again and I don't want to see others go through them too.
I know I sound forceful but that's just the type of person I am. I see a problem and I want to offer solutions. If you want help look into cognitive behavioural therapy and start changing the way you think. It's done great things for me.

This is exactly what I want. I'm crying out for help, and I've been on the phone to them, and I've been to my GP loads of times to get referred to counselling and CBT, and they have referred me but the social services still haven't got back to me. So I've rang them up again and again, and it's all adding to my phone bill and I get annoyed because it should be them getting hold of me, not the other way round. It's their job to help people like me out. And now all these job cuts what the government are making, there will be less chance that I will be receiving any help from anywhere.

If you don't believe me - my nan has Alzheimer's, and she's ready to go in an old people's home now, but the carers aren't doing their job properly, and my mum and her 2 sisters have been on the phone again and again to them, and it's just getting nowhere. People with disabilities or illnesses are just left to rot in this country, and the more we keep on at them the more they just ignore us.

Sorry to be a pouting cow but getting hold of the social services is like getting hold of the Mafia around here. And I can't help the way I think about other people. There are too many NTs in this world and I just cannot keep up with it.
What gets me is no matter how hard I try to acheive anything in my life, things never work out for me. I come from one of those families who ''take one step forward, then two steps back''. For example I took driving lessons, and I passed my test. And that was back in August. It's November now, and I'm still waiting to get my liscense through. It should only take 10 days at the most, or 20 days at the very, very most. I ring up every week and they say, ''oh it's still being processed''. But does it really take 3 months to get one's liscence processed? Everyone else I knew who passed their driving test this year has got their liscenses back. So I don't know what's going on there.



I am a paranoied person, and I get offended if people stare at me like I'm the Elephant Man. It isn't very nice. Friendly, pleasent looks are fine, but accusing looks just cannot be ignored by me. I know NTs well, and one Aspie can't win in a NT's world. Do you know the saying ''if you can't beat them, join them''? That's the way I feel about this. Some Aspie may not care what others think, and I used to be like you just a couple of years ago. But now I've developed a bit of an obsession with all this ''do not look different in any way in public'' thing. I think it may be the way my family sometimes speak to me. They all have some sort of fear of what other people think of them, and I think the fear has been naturally passed on to me aswell as I've become older. Once when I got cross because someone on a bike almost rode into me from around a corner, and I huffed and puffed a little bit (after they had gone by) and I was with a relative who started getting into a fluster. She said, ''why do you always show yourself up?! People will think 'ohh look at that girl'! Do you want people to think that about you? Control your actions next time!'' And I said, ''what was I even doing? The cyclist had already gone by - he never noticed anything of what I did!'' And the more lectures people gave me, the more I became someone who gets easily embarrassed too, like I am today.

The only good thing about having this paranoia is I've become more socially accepted.

There is a bill slowly going through Parliament that would force local authorities to recognise their responsibilites over autism (laws to that effect already exist but for reasons I don't understand, the existing laws are being treated as optional guidelines). But with the current climate of cuts, cuts, and more cuts, I expect the new law will be kicked into the long grass. I suspect that even if we could get access to a CBT coach, it would be done on the cheap and the coach would turn out to be an idiot.

What about taking CBT into your own hands? There must be some good books about it. I practice a form of self-administered CBT on myself occasionally.......I'm always interested in evidence that I'm seeing things in the wrong light. It would probably be better if I could find somebody to give me unbiased feedback on my cognitive style, because my own sense of pride probably blocks off a lot of CBT avenues, but in my experience they all have their own prejudices and axes to grind, so their input could do more harm than good. Even so, I'd probably find it easier to take advice from ordinary people than from some self-proclaimed guru who is likely to put pressure on me to achieve expectations that I don't necessarily agree with.

My experience with stress management is much the same. A series of sessions with my GP did no good and the doctor seemed to take a dislike to me after that.......I asked another doctor for stress advice and it became clear that he didn't know anything about it - "do you have any leaflets about stress?" - "No." "maybe I should go and get a library book about it?" "Wow! That's a good idea!" Moral: if you want a job doing right, do it yourself.