My internalized meltdowns

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I've noticed many aspies experience meltdowns on a regular basis - and I've been wondering as an adult, why I haven't really experienced meltdowns. In the traditional sense of the word, a meltdown would manifest itself as a classic temper trantum, where the individual loses control, screaming and thumping the wall and even becoming violent - one person I knew could not tolerate loud music without violent outbursts directed at both inanimate objects and people.

Taking this definition of a meltdown literally, I had been thinking to myself, "why have I never experienced a meltdown?" As I began to read the article, it mentioned how meltdowns tends to manifest itself as depression in many adults. Then I came to a realization: I had been internalizing all my meltdowns. Rather than expressing my meltdowns, I had been holding them in, and I've been taking all the anger left over from the meltdowns out on myself, and this eventually led to a suicide attempt eighteen months ago. All the overhwhelming emotions that had been built up had not been expressed in a healthy way, and as a result, I kept them in and directed them at myself.

I was brought up to believe the way I behaved when I had meltdowns was unacceptable. Normally, the way I expressed meltdowns as a child was by bursting into tears - but when I did express it with anger or violence, which was quite rare, it was usually met with repercussions. I bottled up many emotions as a result of not externalizing my meltdowns, and for years now these suppressed negative emotions have backfired on me. The older I got, the better I got at managing some of these emotions, and the better my coping strategies got. However, as a result, these emotions have left a crippling amount of baggage on me, and as a result, no woman will want me until a ditch the baggage, which will be a definite challenge that may not be overcome anytime soon.

I could have written that word for word! Yes, most of the time my meltdowns are internalized, and do present as depression. When I keep at this too long I either have an actual outward meltdown...or get suicidal.

I think the "severity" of meltdowns varies very much from one person to another. I learned to control myself to a point because of the consequences and the way I feel after sometimes. I think the parents' attitude may also influence how we "express" meltdowns, some parents may be very patient when it happens but others are not. I remember clearly one day as a child I was crying very loudly, I don't remember why tho, but I remember my father couldn't take it anymore and yelled at me (with his face right in front and close to mine) "STOP CRYING!", I remember I felt scared and forced myself to stop crying (but I was still angry inside).

So I learned to keep it inside a lot, but its there, sometimes I take it out on an object, for example throwing a plate on the floor (it may sound stupid but it helps lol). One thing I noticed is if I can't "let it out" in some way, it may turn against me (in the movie Adam when he hits his head on the mirror ... I did exactly that once).

When I was in college I learned the basics of yoga, and later meditation, these 2 things helped a lot too, generally.

My dad wouldn't tolerate tantrums of any sort when I was growing up. If I threw a tantrum it would be met swiftly with a belt. This is how he made me start walking...spanking....start talking....spanking...

Same with me. When I was a kid I would jump up and down like a frog when I had a meltdown. My family laughed at me for doing this so I learned I couldnt do it. And as an adult I am often sufferring with depression.

Exercise and weight training help me to use up energy and release anger nowadays.

You are right in thinking that most adults have to hide their meltdowns. It would be totally unacceptable for me to jump up and down like a frog whenever I get stressed LOL

My meltdowns are a lot less frequent then before. But I still have them. They used to be quite violent, but they've gotten a more verbal quality now. I try to postpone them and have them at home, but when I postpone them or suppress them, they are coming anyway and as a bonus I get head aches.

More on-topic: Postponing or suppressing meltdowns is possible, but I think there is a prize to pay. In the form of head aches, depressions whatever. My theory is that having them can be better than suppressing them.

I'll get meltdowns occsionally, but they're really rare. I think it's because when I see them coming I back off from the situation, and come back when I'm feeling better. I went a whole year without really having them, but I was stressed 24/7. It's better to let them out if you can in that situation or go somehwere private where you can. I've never come close to suicidal, but I can see how it would happen.