Please help: Experiences with social skills training??

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UrbanKitty
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04 Jun 2006, 7:34 pm

Hi,

I'm 31 and I was diagnosed with ADD (13 years ago) but not Asperger's yet. I've had serious social problems all my life. It's nearly impossible for me to make friends, because I can't read people at all. I just don't have that natural empathy that everyone else seems to have.

I know a little about Asperger's, and I asked my psych about it. She said that I don't have it because I don't have the stereotypical autism symptoms like rocking back and forth But I see no other explanation for the massive social issues. I just can't interact in a normal way, so people think I'm weird. I've spent my whole life watching people to try to figure it out, but I just can't do it.

Has anyone tried social skills training for adults? It seems like all the social skills training I"ve found is for children. I'd pay anything and go anywhere if someone could even make me 20% better.

Please help. I'm desperate and lonely and can't imagine what the rest of my life will be like if I can't change.



GroovyDruid
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04 Jun 2006, 7:41 pm

UrbanKitty wrote:
Please help. I'm desperate and lonely and can't imagine what the rest of my life will be like if I can't change.


I have studied this material for years and work with people occasionally. Since I'm an aspie, I understand your viewpoint and may be able to address your needs. Where are you located?

Also, I can recommend a lot of books, if you're interested.



UrbanKitty
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04 Jun 2006, 7:55 pm

I'm in NY. I've seen a few books and know the theory, but I can't make it work in realtime. For example, I know about mirroring but can't make it work for me. I also have trouble really reading between the lines when someone is talking; I just take people at face value.



aspienutridoc
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04 Jun 2006, 8:25 pm

Hi.

My life changed considerably after about three years of studying with a performanc art teacher named Scott Kelman, who now works in Oregon.

We did very intricate sound and movement exercises that involved mirroring subtle to large expressions very quickly, combined with nonsense sounds that were also mirrored ... I'd suggest calling around to all the acting schools and see if you can find someone teaching sound and movement mirroring work.

Best of luck.

Duane



DaPurd
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05 Jun 2006, 8:47 pm

Hey UrbanKitty,

Incidently, I thought about attending a social skills training group here in New York (specifially http://www.socialtherapygroup.com/), but considering that I'm 33-years-old I figured I might be too far gone for it to help (plus I don't want to spend the money if it's not going to help).

I hope things work out . . .

Peace,
DaPurd



TheGreyBadger
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05 Jun 2006, 10:04 pm

I took Interpersonal Communications through the Communications & Journalism Department. Our Employee Development Center also had a good many courses in telephone etiquette and customer service, and they were very useful in all areas. (I got an unwarranted reputation as a wit because in the table exercises I talked to a "customer" on the phone the way I always did and they thought I was exaggerating to show how bad it could get!)



GroovyDruid
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06 Jun 2006, 3:46 pm

UrbanKitty wrote:
I'm in NY. I've seen a few books and know the theory, but I can't make it work in realtime. For example, I know about mirroring but can't make it work for me. I also have trouble really reading between the lines when someone is talking; I just take people at face value.


I understand.

Then I concure with aspienutridoc above. Acting training is very helpful. I've been acting for about 5 years and do regular community theater. Scene study of any kind puts you on your feet in a learning environment, and it hones your ability to figure out the games people play by analyzing the subtext of a story. It also teaches you to coordinate body language and spoken word, either in your own presentation, or in analyzing the presentation of another.

Even this will only take you so far. If you have Asperger's Syndrome or a cousin, then knowledge or training isn't your problem. It's you're machinery, and one can't fully compensate for the thousands of subtle, subconscious motions NTs make to interact. Since you've studied body language, you know what I mean.

The most successful approach I know of is dual:
Sure, get some acting training or social skills training to adapt to your environment.

But also work from the other direction and modify your environment to better serve you. This includes educating those around you about your condition, and acknowledging that you have a deficit and avoiding your negative triggers as much as possible. As you get better at this, you will--I hope--find yourself in more situations in which pretending and posturing and imitating normal isn't necessary or deirable.

Keep me posted if you have questions, and more power to you.



wobbegong
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06 Jun 2006, 11:45 pm

Urban Kitty

What helped me the most - was toastmasters. www.toastmasters.org

The best thing about it was the "Evaluations" which gave you very specific and immediate feedback on how you come across. Part of the clubs mission is to be very positive and supportive, so even if you stuff up in a big way, they're very forgiving and help you make it into a learning opportunity.

I didn't even know about aspergers while I was a member. All I knew was I was socially incompetent and they helped me.

BTW if your therapist thinks that you have to have "rocking motion" to be an aspie, you need to find a therapist who knows what they are talking about. The "rocking" is a "stim", and aspies "stim" in many different ways. "Hand wringing" is more common than "rocking", and if you like spinning on an office chair - that would be another form of "stimming". Although - not every aspie has every attribute that defines aspieness - so not every aspie "stims".



Bearsac-Debra
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07 Jun 2006, 8:31 am

I am assuming your psych has no experience in autism / asperger’s. I have AS and don’t rock. There are lots of textbook Autie and Aspie things that I don’t do but I am still an Aspie.

I don’t know much about ADD but I am assuming for some people with ADD, the way society treats them and other barriers they have faced in their life means that they do not get the same chances in life to learn the social and empathy skills, which people learn from each other. I don’t know if like AS, social skills weakness / differences compared to so called ‘Normal’ are a part of ADD. I understand that often people with ADD quite often also have autism or Asperger’s

Some social skills are inbred and some we learn to varying degrees of ‘success’.

To say point blank you don’t have AS because you don’t rock is damn right stupid.

Re social skills training, I am sure there are lots of courses and books, some aimed at neuro-diverse people. I though have found that I have learnt a lot of my skills in the last few years via my work. I work in an organisation run by people with learning difficulties for people with learning difficulties and have learnt both from their successes, mistakes and misunderstandings in communication and socialisation and well as my own. Working in this field means everything has been done at a slower pace than in jobs in mainstream work fields, so there has always been room for watching, analysing reactions and behaviours and learning at my own pace.

Also Aspie sites like this one have helped a lot with manually learning social skills. There are still areas I have difficulty with but since realising I am an Aspie I have been able to put these into context.


Debra


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