Do you wish you never existed?

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Nope, never. I wonder what happens when I die, but I have never wondered why I am here. Maybe I am just here to f**k with people, I don't know.

I would have had a very good life without AS.

I would have had a very good life without AS.[i]

This is one statement that I completely disagree with. It's impossible to use the words "would have". Are you saying that all NTs have a very good life? They wish. Since I have managed to make my self miserable for most of my life I convinced that I will always be able to find something that will make me upset. I don't think that Aspies are the only people capable of doing it. Haven't you seen a group of NTs sit around (w)itching and moaning? Maybe the difference between the two groups is that we have autism to blame for our misery. While the NTs don't have anything to blame other than themselves. Which of course they (at least most) would never do.

irene

Sometimes.

sometimes

Sometimes. I never wish I'd die, though.

I do. I have pretty much felt that way my entire life. I have the distinct memory of writing my mom a letter when i was about 5 or 6. i believe the wording i used was "if this is how things are going to be, i might as well hold my breath until i'm no longer here." (apparently when i was little, i thought you could actually kill yourself by holding your breath). My mom tells me that she has no memory of it whatsoever. So I'm glad that I meant so much to my family .

Anyway, I have been suicidal on and off, but I don't think that I would actually kill myself. I feel like there's nothing that can undo what's already been done and that bugs me. Maybe I just need my memory wiped. People just don't understand what I mean when I tell them that I have no desire to be a part of society and I would rather I hadn't been brought here-it's not like I asked to be conceived. They think that I will cheer up and change my mind-and it drives me crazy!! !

But don't get me wrong: I do make an effort to make the best of things- I made it through high school and college, had a couple of summer jobs, I have an acquaintance from school that I keep in touch with, etc...

No, I'm fine with my existence. I'm deeply unhappy about the environment in which I exist, but that's a problem that can be rectified with time.

Often.

I mean, each day is an arduous struggle that the other 99% of humanity won't have a single clue of what it's like (until that 10% or so develop dementia), which will always be the same until I die.

I don't do anything, and it feels like work? How does that make sense?

sometimes I can get into moods where I feel like everything I do, just isn't worth it - but I just keep my head down and keep going. Then the mood passes

I don't wish it, but if I had somehow been magically given the option to exist or not, I would have opted for not.

There are a lot of things I do not like about myself. Attempts have been made to change, but I don't think I know how to change. There is one trait that I do like is my wild imagination. I am capable of making up stories very quickly. Unfortunately I am not very good at writing them. I just make up the basic plot without any fine detail.

This is one of them. I have ability to become invisible when ever I feel the need to disappear. While I am in that state I am able to see how people behave when I am not there. At times I have wondered if I am treated the same way by certain people as they do with others. Or if I am the only one they treat like a 5 year old. It could be a learning experience. I have always wondered if some people act the same way with others and they do with me.

I remember years and years ago I would be talking to people at work then that person would end the conversation with me to talk to someone else. They would say something like "I'm sorry to cut you off so quickly, but there's something I have to say to ------". Now I think that they didn't have anything to say to them it was just an opportunity to have me go away. I does sound kind of paranoid. But if it happens frequently what you think?

irene

I've had moments I regret existing.