I have the same problem. Not being able to let things go has always been a big issue for me. I would say I've gotten better at it, slightly, over time, but not by much. There are some things like the shirt example you gave that bother me and I keep going over and over it despite the fact that there's nothing I can do about it. Usually these seem to be things that don't bother other people, so they don't understand why it bothers me. Like, I still walk in my yard and look at this tree and I am filled with irritation. My mother went on this pruning rant and she cut off the branch of the tree that had flowers on it that she thought was impinging on a rose nearby. I REALLY like this tree especially when it's in bloom. I don't know why she cut off the branch because of the stupid rose! I yelled at her and got really upset, and there's nothing I can do about it now, nor was there, but it still bothers me. As you can probably tell. It's not even "my" yard this is a rental, but it's in front of my steps. Or there was this picture that used to hang on my wall as a kid that my father got rid of, and I am still upset when I think about it. Or my first car that my ex made me get rid of and he took it to a junk yard instead of a good home. I remember crying all the way to the DMV. I am still upset thinking about this. I seem to have a weird attachment to certain possessions. When I explain these things that upset me it sounds stupid but they really bother me. When I was really little and my sister wanted to torment me she would remind me of various toys that had been lost or broken that I loved, until I was bawling. Also I had a fairly large rift with one of my friends in college because she accidentally packed a teaball and a saucepan that belonged to me, and then not only didn't unpack her entire moving truck to give them back, but couldn't find them later.
Anyway, this is sounding weird even to me as I describe it. Nobody ever understands and I just have to try not to think about these things later because they still upset me and there's nothing I can do about it. And I'm remembering more and more occasions associated with me being deprived of or losing possessions in some way.
But I'm getting off topic here.
I also have issues with having to address certain problems "right now" because I can't rest. Fixing things myself, buying a spare part, etc. One time I got out of a restaurant where I met family for dinner at some special event, between all of our houses so it was pretty out of the way. When I got home at like 11 I found I did not have my cell phone. I called my mother and my sister and it was not in their cars (we had shared vehicles during the day). I drove back to the restaurant parking lot that night to find it. I didn't find it, then I found heard from my sister that it was at her house so I drove there that night to get it (more than an hour each way). In this case there wasn't anything special about the cell phone that couldn't have been replaced, but I HAD to take care of it right then. A couple of weeks ago I got an item of furniture from a store some distance a way (it was a whole day event going there, shopping, and coming back, quite exhausting). When I assembled it that night I found there was one part missing. It was not a part I could replace at a hardware store, it was very specific. There was an order form where you could get a replacement part sent to you, but instead, I went back the next day all over again and got the part (I would've gone back then if they'd been open). Somehow this hassle was less than the hassle of waiting. Problems with immediate gratification, perhaps?
On the other hand I have no problem procrastinating on numerous projects that I don't particularly want to do or that don't "grab" me. I'll do it at the last minute though, if I made a commitment to somebody for a particular time, because I hate it when people say they will do something on a certain day and then they don't.
Okay one more story about my weird possession obsession. Honestly I can't explain this. One time when I was about 13 or 14 I was on a long several night trip to a horse event with my riding instructor (I would go along on these things as groom). I had a few items to get me through the trip. We were camped out with the truck, horsetrailer, and tent in a field somewhere where the events were being held with few facilities. I went to a porta-potty and I brought my soap to wash my hands (it was the kind that has water to wash hands inside, but I guess the soap was out). I accidentally dropped my soap in the hole. Yes, that hole. I REACHED IN AND GOT IT OUT. It makes me cringe to write this. I mean it was a bar of soap! But it was like as far as I could figure at that time I had no other option. I can't explain some of my behavior especially years later. I can say with (I think) assurance that I wouldn't do that today. As an adult living on my own I think I gradually learned that I could simply go out and buy more of certain things if I lost them, though not everything. And yes, I realize now that there were NUMEROUS other options available to me even as a kid, not to mention the impossibility of actually getting clean with that soap but... I don't know how to explain it. I really don't. It grosses me out too.
07 Nov 2010, 11:27 pm
