Are you inflexible?

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Do you have fixed routines in your life? How does it make you feel if these get changed? How do you think you can be supported in becoming more flexible without this causing too much distress?

I have had a query from a parent who wants help with her son's rigidity and would really welcome any of your comments/ideas.

Thanks guys!

i'm very inflexible when stressed. The least stressed i am the more flexible i become. don't know if that helps...

While I do have fixed routines, I can handle changes to them. The earlier I know about a change, the more easily I can adjust to it.

If someone asks me to go shopping with him/her on my free day, I will be perfectly fine with that if asked four days in advance, but I will be annoyed (but will go with them anyway) if asked only one day in advance. If I am asked on the same day however, like someone just asking me to come along when he/she is already on the way to the car, I will usually refuse because the change to my routine is too sudden.

So i think that simply informing the child you are referring to early enough might ease things for her. But it may also be that you find that the child's stress is increased by worrying about the impending change of routine, so you will just have to try out whether or not this fits his personality.

I count on the routines in my life to make me feel safe. When they are disrupted, I need to have other sources of comfort. I used to carry a book around with me all the time, which was a pretty decent strategy to give myself something to escape into when my routines were disrupted. Now I often use my iPod for that purpose. I also used to respond to any change in my routine by over-eating (my favorite type of stimming), which was a terrible strategy that led to problems of its own. It's important to help kids develop healthy, socially acceptable ways to find comfort when routines change. These need to be things that the kid can count on not being pulled away as a means of punishment, too.

I always feel that I need to be treated the same way as a good gardener would treat a plant - making changes gradually. If you're going to re-pot a plant, you would try to do that without disturbing the soil that's already around the roots. If you want to remove a plant from a warm room to the harsh outdoors, you do it in stages.

I don't think anybody would be wise to try to change my routines at all though. They'd do better to explain what they want and why they want it, and then to leave it up to me to make the change myself, if I should agree with it. I'll probably whinge a lot, even if it's pretty clear that the change makes sense, but I'll usually mellow fairly quickly.

I echo the posters who have mentioned stress as a factor. If I'm feeling insecure or stressed it's best to work on the insecurity first, because when I'm feeling like that you're not easily going to get me to do anything unknown or risky.

It might be helpful to "enshrine" some routines (i.e. respect them and promise not to mess with them) so that the Aspie can feel that there are some things he can trust will remain stable. Sometimes it's more the fear of losing everything that makes a change scary, even though the change itself is far less than everything.

Just a tad

I feel like I would enjoy new things and changes, but I think a lot about it before I ever act. I never thought of myself as inflexible, but I find myself doing the same routine, forced change can make me temporarily and mildly surly.

I'm very flexible. I used to be inflexible but now I am flexible now. Sometimes I am still inflexible but isn't everyone?

I don't think trying to make someone stop being rigid is going to work; it will just make it a lot worse because the person will probably panic, especially a child. Instead find ways to work with the rigidity and just help him to relax and feel in control, which will help him to be more flexible. If someone is being really rigid at a given moment though, I would think it would be because he's really stressed out and can't handle a change, and it's better to just give in for the moment unless that would be somehow harmful or impossible.

So for example, one time a friend of mine was at my house and using a towel to wipe the kitchen counters, and I freaked out because I don't use that particular towel to wipe the counters. I told him to stop it and he said, "What's the big deal? Why does it matter? You're obsessive and overreacting, etc ..." I nearly had a meltdown. It made me feel like I had no control and everything was going to get messed up. It would have been better if he had just said, "Ok, what do you use to wipe the counters?"

I also need at least several days of mental preparation before doing anything that is not part of my daily routine, even if it's something I think is fun. Preparation time helps a lot.

I am flexible in my routines when it is necessary. That being said, I am much more comfortable in predicable situations, even if out of my control.

I would agree with previous answers that giving fair warning, and leaving how to change the routine up to the individual are important. Explain the why the change is important, not generally but what advantage it gives to the person themselves. In the end you have to be flexible because it provides you an advantage in interacting with others, not because you are told it must be so.

It's hard to tell the age range and level of routine that you are talking about. I would suggest by starting with elements of a routine that are conditional with clear options and deciding factors. Then slowly making this amount of time and number of options larger.

I would also say that true spontaneity is difficult, being able to react to it is not as hard, yet the expectation to be spontaneous oneself is difficult. Randomness is not something that can be easily emulated.

I generally like keeping things the same. However, you've got to do what has to be done. I'm pretty flexible, I'd just prefer not having to be flexible.

I love my routine. Absolutely love it. But I can handle changes relatively easily if I'm given advance warning and can plan out an alternative routine to work around the change. The more advance warning the better I find. I can still have a wobbly moment just before I have to do the new thing but I find that as long as the people around me are aware of that, then they can talk me through it and then I'm fine.

So maybe suggest starting with one very small change and say to the parent to give their son plenty of warning and then lots of support when the time comes.

First of all, I identify with my routine and not to understand that shows major disrespect. As an adult I can differentiate between critical and non-critical parts of my routine, but I certainly couldn't as a child: all change was a major shock to my system. Once change was introduced, usually by force, I might have enjoyed and even incorporated it, but I'd never let the person who brought it about know . That puts a parent pushing for change in a bad position: it can't always be the same person pushing in the same way or that person gets permanently labeled Trouble. My formula for introducing change to a child's routine would be small changes introduced with generous warning by a variety of people in the child's life.

I am inflexible. My routine is very important to me, because it alleviates anxiety. So, no, I do not like sudden changes in my life.

I must admit that I am inflexible. If I know a change ahead of time, I can adjust to it, as I rearrange my schedule for it.

People might say I'm inflexible. I don't have a need for strict routine though. That's not the real issue. I actually enjoy novelty and new experiences when the attendant stresses can be overcome.

I'm not very happy when I'm stuck doing the same things over and over again, but the reason I have trouble breaking out is mostly due to my problems with executive dysfunction and inertia. It's really hard to make myself decide to try new things in the moment. I think being more socially connected can help with this as it's easier to get out of my rut when there are other people making suggestions to do things and creating more opportunities in my mind. Social isolation really wears on me as I tend to get stuck in a rut where I do nothing new and get depressed.

I think what I struggle with most is perfectionism. It's extremely easy for me to get emotionally derailed when things don't go as planned. I also get really nasty when introduce flies in the ointment or impose things that interfere with my plans. It's really hard not to get incredibly peeved when my anxiety level is thrown through the roof by something outside my control.