I am a stepmom and stepson possibly Aspie

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Hello everyone

I have posted this in the Getting to know each other forum, but was told I would get more feedback here as it is more active, so here I go, repeating my message. I don't mean to spam tho, but I would really need your opinions because I will need a lot of courage to talk about this with my husband.

I am not sure where to start, there is so much to say and to explain. As the title says I am a stepmom and I suspect my adult stepson (21 yr old) has mild to light, highly functioning, Asperger syndrome. I have been his stepmom for almost 12 years. For many years he was living with his mother and came to live with us after his 18th birthday, therefore has been living with my husband and I for almost 4 years now.

I would love to get feedback/replies from people who have been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, and also from parents and friends.

I will copy and paste the next message where I explain some of the traits my stepson has.

Shadi

Here is the 2nd message I posted in the forum 'Getting to know each other', with some updates and added the things I forgot when I posted it the first time.
I just hope people will have the patience to read through this message, I realise it is very long, and it is not really in order, I would have so much to say I still don't know where to start. I am also worried about hurting people's feelings by saying the wrong thing (I do that sometimes, never intentionally), so if/when I do, please feel free to let me know.

About telling my stepson; I am not sure either how he would react if I told him I think he may have AS, which is why I haven't said a word to anyone yet, including my husband (when/if I find the courage to talk about it, I will tell my husband first). If/when I tell them tho I will definitely mention what is good about AS, and the great people who are thought to have had AS. For example, the guy who created and designed Pokemon has AS, and luckily my stepson was very much into Pokemon when he was younger.

As I mentioned I have been his stepmom for about 12 years, and he has been living with us for almost 4 years. During this time he has been in college and at home a lot (even during college season he always took the minimum amount of classes, just to get enough credits to stay a full time student), and since I am at home myself most the time, I got to know him a lot more then I had before, eventho he spent a few summers with us when he was living with his mother, and I had noticed some things then, but didn't know about AS.

About the AS traits I see in him ... the answer is almost simple: almost all of them (in one way or another) except the routine, he may or may not have a routine for some things that I don't know about tho, he is a very secret/introverted person, or he may prefer a routine for meals for example but we don't really have a specific time here for meals so it is hard for me to tell, he could be upset about the lack of routine and I may not even know. But it is also possible that he doesn't have that trait.

What I think of as my "eureka" moment came after reading a message in a forum from a person who has a child who has been diagnosed with AS, first she tells us about the many years before the diagnosis, when she had no idea about AS, and then in a 2nd message explains how they finally found out their child had AS, and then she elaborates on the symptoms of AS ... and I realised she was describing my stepson. I am almost crying as I am writing this, it explained so much, so many things I had noticed in him that were "different".

After that of course I started reading more about it, and about all the different characteristics or symptoms, which I know can differ and even be opposite from one person to another, just like any NT person finally, everyone is unique.

I will try to elaborate about the traits I noticed in him, please don't be offended and keep in mind that I love him dearly and that I think he is a great kid, I will simply tell it as it is, or at least my perception of it. Again it is not in order. First let me say that he is intelligent, and has a memory higher then average, and does very well in school. There is also certain traits that I didn't thought of as "different" or "strange", but that I now know are traits often found in people with AS. Note that I realise that none of these traits taken separately, or even a few of them, would mean a person necessarily has AS.

- Unusual/goofy facial expression sometimes when he is focusing on something on his computer for example, or simply thinking 'hard', without realising we are looking at him, it is difficult to describe a facial expression but his eyes are closed 'tight' and his mouth wide opened. Otherwise it is quite the opposite, not many facial expressions generally.

- Memory higher then the average, he can study a book within a few hours and pass a test with high result (90+) the next day.

- Tends to give speeches about subjects he likes, often using words that are not frequently used, which makes him sound a little bit like Frasier (the tv show), a bit snob, or pedantic, showing off his knowledge (again please don't be offended by what I say here, I am trying to describe how he sounds when he "gives a speech").

- Suddenly wants to talk about something and doesn't realise the person he is talking to was busy, for example I am typing something on my computer and he gets in front of me and start giving me a speech about something and goes on for a while without ever realising that I was busy (it is ok tho, I am not criticizing him, I appreciate the times he talks to me because they are too often far apart).

- As a child he was perceived as a "little adult", had a higher memory then usual then as well, which lead his parents to think he was a genius.

- Also as a child tended to act like an adult with other kids, to be the "uncool" kid who was trying to tell others not to do something because it was wrong. (I must admit I liked this trait tho because he seemed more mature then the others, and we were a little less worried about him doing something dangerous). This however made him pretty uncool in the eyes of other kids, and he never had many friends.

- He is (or seems) very self-centered (again I don't mean to offend anyone here, I love him, it is simply something I have noticed is more obvious in him then most other kids I have known)

- A lack (or apparent lack) of empathy and/or sympathy for others, and animals as well. He has difficulty putting himself in the "shoes" of others to understand their feelings, eventho he can understand things form a theoretical point of view. For example you can be very distressed over something you did or said, or over something he does or say, and tell him so, and he seems totally unaffected, as if he didn't care at all about your feelings, eventho he may say something to 'reassure' you about it he will often continue doing the same thing afterward. This can be true for things that are not very important but also for things that are more important on an emotional, or practical, level.

- In the same order of idea, difficulty understanding and/or ignores the feelings of others towards him, but I think this can be a plus in some situations. On the bright side he enjoys giving speeches (I mean in front of a public as well) and is pretty good at it, it seems easy for him (I am the opposite, very shy, and giving a speech in front of people has always been a very difficult task for me).

- Lack of coordination, for example he told me it is very difficult for him to dance. Maybe it is something he could learn tho if he wanted, I just don't know yet. This includes also other movements, like walking, especially if he doesn't realise someone is looking at him (his hands seem to be annoying appendices that he doesn't know what to do with), and it is especially obvious when he runs, people sometimes mention he runs like a woman because of this (I personally wouldn't describe it as running like a woman tho), he has also been bullied because of the strange, clumpsy, way he sometimes walks or runs.

- His emotional age seems younger then his actual and intellectual age. He seems interested in things that would be normal for a person of around 15 year old instead of 21. I have noticed that trait about him a long time ago (that he seems younger emotionally then his biological age).

- Difficulty with some types of analysis, not so much for mechanical or mathematical things (like how a car works for example, he can understand that), but more in a subtile sense, or situations that needs to be analyzed to be understood, where you have to understand the underlying and/or hidden facts. To understand what is happening in a movie for instance, or in social situations, the reasons that may be behind a person's comments, etc. Here are a few examples about movies; the movie Sums of all fears, it took him a long time before he made the connection between the fact that the assassin asked the guards to take their shoes off and the fact that it was cold and snowy outside, or the movie James Bond, Casino royale, when he is naked sitting on a chair and the bad guy is hitting him on the testicles, he realised what he was doing only after watching the movie a few times.

- Difficulty in understanding humor, teasing especially (which is why I don't ever try to tease him anymore, I am too worried about hurting his feelings). Everyone may dislike teasing sometimes, especially if it hits a sensitive point, or may not understand a joke once in a while, but with him it is a lot more obvious and frequent then usual. I have understood a long time ago that he often doesn't understand jokes (sometimes he does, but a lot more often he doesn't), and I keep telling my husband to stop with his teasing and jokes because his son doesn't understand them, he takes them litterally, and I have to explain to him that it was just a joke. Most the time it is not that he gets upset, he simply has no reaction to the joke, or has a reaction that indicates he didn't understand and/or took it litterally, not as a joke. On the other hand he can also be funny, and makes his own jokes, after reading about the kind of jokes some Aspies are fond of, I can tell you that his jokes are very similar, they are usually the kind of jokes that will make you smile. Again I don't mean to offend anyone, his jokes are also good, very intelligent and clever. He is also pretty good at impersonation when he wants to.

- Eventho he is intelligent, he needs specific instructions to do some things the right way. Also when he needs to solve a practical problem, not mathematical nor theoritical, but something in the normal day to day life, he often takes the very long way instead of thinking of the obvious solution.

- Has difficulty explaining something clearly and as simply as possible, when he explains something it usually seems more complicated then it actually is. For example my husband will ask him how to do a certain thing on his computer (my stepson is good with computers generally), lets say all he would have to do is open a certain folder, and delete a certain file, when my stepson tries to explain something like that he will take the very long way towards the solution, and at the end my husband sometimes didn't understand what he actually had to do to solve the problem (open a certain folder and delete a certain file for example), I have to tell him he meant "do this and that" and simplify what my stepson just said (I must say this is a little funny sometimes).

- About social conventions. He can have a normal and polite conversation (even if sometimes a little awkward) eventho he has difficulty making new friends, he still does tho but usually it is only 1 actual friend. He sometimes says things that are unusual with friends and family. For example, you would normally say "see you tomorrow" to people you work with, or classmates, in other words not people you live with, but he says this to us, (I haven't found the courage to let him know he could simply say goodnight without saying "see you tomorrow", and it is not that important really). This is just one example, there is many other instances where he says things in the wrong context and/or the wrong people, I just can't think of it right now.

- Has a very good ability to focus, and when there is a subject he likes particularly he will study it as much as possible, I would say more then usual, to learn everything he can about it.

- Has low tolerance to frustration. However, I suspect because of his mother's temper he has learned not to show his frustration in a loud way, instead he retaliates in some way. As a younger child tho he hadn't developed this new way to react yet, for example around 7 year old he got angry at a girl and ran after her with a baseball bat.

- He strongly dislikes confrontation (and said so a few times) but he is pretty good at 'official' debates at school, he was even member of a debate team,

- He also dislikes sports generally, especially team sports, but took a few classes of karate (not his choice tho, we subscribed him thinking maybe it would help with his coordination, and also self-defense)

- He likes to take things apart to see how they work (a toaster for example, etc), his bedroom is always full of things that he accumulates and tries to repair and/or take apart at least to see the mechanism.

- And there is the difficulty of bonding (from his part) and the coldness. Again it is difficult to explain ... to me bonding would mean to feel more at ease around someone, to show them that I love and care about them, to be more 'myself' then if I am around strangers, to me bonding doesn't mean constant display of affection, constant hugs, or anything like that, but to feel something, to feel there is an attachment there, that there is love. I generally don't see this in him eventho I love him dearly, but I think he does love me in his own way. He is also the same way with his dad eventho I am sure he loves him. He often talks to us as you would to strangers, politely and such (he does rude and/or upsetting things as well tho). At first I thought maybe it was because he hadn't lived with us (except during summers) and was not at ease yet, but as the years passed I realised he was still the same way. He is very often silent, to where it feels awkward, for example we cross each other in the hallway and if I don't say anything he doesn't say a word. Other times he will try to do small talk and asks politely things like 'how is it going', but in a detached, stranger's way (or at least it feels that way to me, I am the opposite, very sensitive and emotive). On the other hand sometimes we can have a nice conversation and I can tell he is happy we talked, but it doesn't happen very often.

I realise that you can't diagnose AS over the internet, but I really do need your opinion, I haven't found the courage to let my husband know about it yet, feedback from others may help me find the courage to do so.

I am pretty sure I forgot some things, but I better stop here, and I apologize about the length of my message.

Shadi

Last edited by Shadi2 on 13 Nov 2010, 11:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think you should think about what you want to happen as well. Are there problems you hope to solve by talking openly about it? How has it changed your feelings toward him and how do you think it would affect your husband?
I think open dialog is always good, but you might stir up some hurt feelings at first, maybe not. I'd be prepared for possible opposition to the idea, but you know your husband better than we do, you have a list of symtoms and know it's a spectral issue with many levels of functionallity.

Hello skinnyboy

I replied to a message a bit similar to yours, about the reasons why I feel my husband, and my stepson, should know, at least to look into it.

And what do I want to happen ... mainly a better understanding of all my stepson's personality "quirks", all the things that sometimes others don't understand, especially my husband (eventho he loves his son immensely), so he can understand his son much better, so he can understand better the things his son struggles with sometimes, his strengths and weaknesses (we all have strengths and weaknesses tho, AS or not), and pay more attention to his son's reactions, and listen more when he mentions something he likes or dislikes, instead of ignoring all these differences and assuming that his son thinks the same way he does (which he doesn't, they are very different and have little in common), which leads to a lot of misunderstandings, including the jokes I mentioned.

And also for my stepson himself, so he would feel better about himself, so he would realise that he is not 'weird' (his own words), nor alone. As I mentioned tho I don't see AS as a bad thing, but I just don't know how my husband will react if I mention it, and don't know what my stepson's reaction would be either. Myself I felt like a veil had been lifted when I read the message from that woman (and then looked for more information about AS), it explained many things I had noticed in my stepson but didn't understand, and that sometimes were even upsetting and difficult to deal with, to me learning about AS was amazing and great.

I am still debating whether I should say anything or not tho ... sigh ... but I feel it could help both my stepson and my husband so much to know, and maybe eventually get a diagnosis (which is another thing tho, because we don't have much money and I am guessing it is not free).

Shadi

I would be careful, the process of getting diagnosed or accepting the whole thing, raises allot of questions for better or worse. it is a hard thing to go though when it is something you sought out yourself. Once you mention all of this, it is not something that can be taken back and will never be forgotten.

You might try describing some of the things you felt you have learned without describing your conclusion that is is likely AS. The label itself means little unless you are seeking specific accommodation or trying to find others like yourself. A diagnosis requires a significant impairment to the way a person functions, you might not want to mention it if this is not present.

If you do mention it only to the father, keep in mind that a sudden unexplained change in the way people treat you is both confusing and often condescending.

What you describe does sound like AS, a couple of the traits sound rather like myself, I had a couple comments on the descriptions for what they are worth:

Taking apart things to understand them, fix them and build others is exciting in a way that that is hard to describe, and can lead to marketable skills.

These two points are related, I think the lack of empathy concept related to AS is badly misrepresented. In my experience at least, It is not that the emotional state of others fails to effect you, it is a deficiency in detecting what state other people are in and knowing what to do with the information once you have it.

Reassuring and comforting people is a complicated and awkward thing to do, as an emotive person you are likely skilled at this. If you do not understand what more you can do, and the struggle to learn has failed in the past, returning to what you do understand is somewhat natural.



It is interesting to hear this described from the opposite perspective. I have somewhat of a professional acquittance relationship with my immediate family. If you can treat the interaction with the level of familiarity that you expect, at least conversationally not necessarily physical contact or outward display of emotion, things might get better. Also try to imagine a world were all of your interactions with other people are like this.

In terms of being self professed as 'weird', a diagnosis likely won't change that but make it stronger. I have never viewed this as really negative, and you have to recognize that you are outside the average.

I've always had a problem understanding 'teasing'. My mom always had to say "he's just teasing" to get me to understand when someone was. It still happens to this day only she replaces teasing with the word joking. And yet, I can understand teasing and joking around when I am reading something or watching other people interact. It's just when I am in the equation things get murkier and more confusing. It's more of a 'me/them' problem than it is a me/them/them one.

Hello Ana

Thank you for the reply.

This is exactly the same thing I do with my stepson, like your mom telling you 'he's just teasing', and he too sometimes can understand a joke and teasing in certain situations. But often, even when the teasing/joke is directed at others, if for example, my husband is teasing me, I have to tell him that it was just a joke because he often takes it litterally, as if it wasn't a joke.

Everyone can miss a joke once in a while, AS or not, and sometimes when it is teasing it can be hurtful even when you understand it was just a joke, but it definitely can be even more hurtful if the person didn't understand it was only a joke. This is one more reason why I wish my husband would understand, because eventho I tell my stepson, there is still a moment where he can be hurt at times.

Shadi

Hello huntedman

Thank you very much for the reply.

Yes surely, I am being very cautious about this, I haven't told anyone yet, I am conscious that once I tell my husband then he will know, or possibly not believe me and refuse to look into it, I just don't know what his reaction will/would be. Also because he is high functioning, I think it may be difficult to get a diagnosis unless the person/doctor has a lot of experience with AS, some things may be hard to notice unless my stepson tells the doctor himself.

What I can tell you tho is that he (my husband) is in total denial when I explain some things to him, like the 'jokes' issue for example, he absolutely doesn't realise when his son doesn't understand a joke, he thinks that because he is intelligent he has everything figured out and that it is not possible that he didn't understand it was a joke. This is true for many of the AS characteristics that my stepson has, my husband is in denial unless they are positive traits, like the fact that he does good in class for example.

I think that if my husband knew about this, he would hopefully pay attention more, and listen to his son more when he expresses himself. As many dads he wants his son to be like him, but he isn't, they are very different from each other, and he tends to simply ignore the things that he doesn't like and dismiss them as either not important or simply not true. Maybe he would understand better that, for example, when my stepson says he doesn't like confrontation, well he means it.

About empathy, reassuring and comforting people, I know what you mean, it can definitely be complicated sometimes, even for me who is pretty sensitive and emotive, so I can understand that even if you notice a person would need to be comforted or reassured, you may simply avoid talking to the person if you don't know what to do to help, even the sensitive/emotive me has done that. My stepson has a good way to do so sometimes tho, for example a few months ago we were talking about driving (which he does well) and I was telling him how nervous I was the first time I drove (and I still am lol), he then started telling me how when he drove by himself for the first time he couldn't turn the radio on because he was worried about taking one hand off the steering wheel, it was his way to make me feel better and I thought he did great.

About marketable skills, yes definitely, among other things he is generally good with computers, he could easily repair computers and build them to sell, he already does that once in a while actually, he also is learning about programming. Also because of his talent with debates, I think he could become a lawyer, or lobbyist, etc, or something related to politics. Of course it will be his choice tho, hopefully he will pick something he likes and be happy.

You also mention 'sudden unexplained change in the way people treat you is both confusing and often condescending', and I totally agree with you. It is definitely something I would have to mention to my husband, not to drastically change the way he interacts with his son, but rather to 'smoothly' slide into a better interaction with him, and be a little more careful with, among other things, his jokes and teasing. The point of letting him know would be so he could understand his son better, and as I mentioned, pay more attention to what he says about himself, instead of ignoring the things he says that he doesn't like as if he had never said them. It would help his perception of certain things his son does too, that sometimes he perceives as rude and inconsiderate, or as a lack of sense of humor. There is so many things that he could understand better.

You said I could mention the traits I have noticed without mentioning AS, the problem is I have been, for years, without knowing about AS, but unless it is a positive trait as I said for the most part he simply ignores it or simply doesn't believe me if I mention it, so to know that some of his traits could be due to AS may help him understand a little bit more, or at least I would hope so.

About his perception of himself (and from others), I am not sure about that, I feel it could help him feel better about himself, but of course I can't be certain. I can tell you that personally, when I found out about AS, it was an amazing feeling, an 'eureka moment', it suddenly explained so much, it was all normal, he was just wired differently. But this is my own reaction of course, I don't know how he would react. Someone mentioned I could give him a book about Asperger (without mentioning I think he has AS), and let him figure it out himself, and see if he can relate to some things the author mentions.

For the time being I still haven't told anyone, I am thinking and debating whether or not I should say something, I must tell you tho it is not easy to keep this to myself and not tell at least my husband, especially because of all the misunderstandings that could be avoided if he knew.

Again thank you for the feedback, I really do appreciate

Shadi