Do you worry about those you care about?

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I'm sure that there has been other users that have put up posts on this matter, but I was just wondering if any of you out there reading this, worry about about your loved ones/friends if they have issues in their lives and what you may do in order to avoid getting upset.

As it happens this has happened a lot with me in the past (although not at the moment as all of my friends, family and other loved ones don't have any major issues that I'm aware off.)

My way of looking at this is as follows, yes I can get upset about the suffering of others, but if they have already solved the issue (and it's no longer an issue for them) or likewise they are in the process of solving it I'm happy to help them in whatever way I can.

Needless to say I don't mind solving the issue for them as well.

Sometimes however if a really close loved one (eg my mum or my GF) does not have issues, but I'm worried that he/she my have them in the future (or in the present) then I can get upset over them also.

On top of that if the said person tries to 'put up with it' I can get extremely upset over this!! !

So much so that I can't even be in the same room, look at them or even hear them mentioned as it would only remind me of their pain.

Often if such a thing happens I prefer them to avoid being with me, lest I have a depression (it rarely happens, but it has happened in the past)

I know that it may sound a bit selfish (in a way) to say that but although I can handle people being upset I can only do this if they are willing to solve (or let someone help them, as it does not matter which way it happens, just so long as they are happy, I'll be glad for them) any issues that they may have.

As it happens this is one of the reasons why (at the moment anyway) I 'don't let' (and I don't mean this as though I'm some kind of tyrant) her go to work (she does go to collage however, but happily she has no issues there that aren't solved to both our satiation) not because I what her to be slave for me (far from it in fact...) but rather because I CARE about her.

May I add that she has no issues with doing this as she only wants me to be happy, and is glad to do anything that make sure I'll stay that way.

Added to that she rather enjoys this, so I can see us doing this for quite some time at least.

I'm really glad to have such a caring girl at my side and I won't change her one bit, even if it turns out that all she'll do (when we move in together next year) is sit around, watch TV, make herself look nice and make out with me.

Goodbye Till Next Time

Yes, and not just when they have issues in their lives. I have OCD and I worry about them all the time because of it.

No. I do take care of the people I love when they need care, but I don't worry about them.
In fact, I remember when I was about 8-9 years old, I was home alone and my parents were several hours late. I was watching the news and there was a huge car accident near the place where they were supposed to be, and I remember very calmly thinking how likely it was that they were dead, and starting to plan (again, it was all very calm and rational) what I would do next if they were actually dead, like going to live with my grandmother etc.

I worry about those I care about.

Best example I can recall was a partner who was getting epilepsy quite severely, and unfortunately she was into alternative therapies and thought she could just take homeopathic medicines to cure it. After it became clear to me that it wasn't working (we tested it pretty objectively and couldn't demonstrate any effect at all), I "made" her get some anticonvulsants. Of course it wasn't really force because she was very independently-minded and if she hadn't wanted to do it, there was very little I could have done about it. But I felt very mindful of it at the time, as I had quite a hangup about not seeming possessive - there was this problem between us where she'd seem to deliberately do dangerous things just to get a rise out of me, and then call me insecure when I tried to alert her to the danger she might be getting into. So I felt I was very much sticking my neck out or falling into a trap, though I also felt that such "force" was in some way cementing a powerful bond. I only started to consciously see the idea of my showing leadership in relationships as a possible good thing a few weeks ago, though deepdown I always felt it might be something like that. So I'm still very much in the habit of saying nothing and just hoping to god that they won't get themselves killed. It's an incredibly difficult area for me because of my bad experiences and because it's so hard for me to tell the difference between insecure/possessive behaviour and responsible pressure. The process seems identical - she proposes doing something, I feel scared that she'll get hurt, I put my foot down, and if she responds well then my anxiety goes away.

I can't recall any other examples of my doing that, apart from my first marriage when I probably went way over the top and ended up feeling so ashamed of my dominant behaviour that, although she eventually seemed to feel OK about it, I saw the whole relationship as a wreck. Since then I've mostly avoided commenting, anxious to reassure the women concerned that I'm not possessive. But the anxiety I've had to live with as a result damaged the way I felt about them, and I became resentful that my emotional well-being was dependent on somebody else's ability to look after themselves and to show me that they have that ability. In seeking to be a good, non-possessive partner, I've become too bloody liberal.

I hate it when my current wife tells me of anything that's harmed her....most of our conversations have been by phone so there's usually no chance of comforting her physically, and I get little from anybody trying to comfort me using indirect methods - most of her problems I can do nothing directly about, so I just watch aghast as she suffers the results of making mistakes that I wouldn't dream of making. Things have happened to her that I've had happen to me, and I thought once I'd learned whatever lesson for myself, I was past that particular horror, but her pain is my pain, so my suffering continues almost as if a fool had taken control of my own life and forced me to take stupid risks myself.

I was even tempted to criticise the OP's gambit of stopping his partner from going to work, and I still don't see what the danger is supposed to be (apart from my opinion that working for an employer is demeaning and hurtful, and will usually end in tears). I'd sure be scared of being labelled "possessive" for doing what the OP did (my second wife tried to do just that, just because I poured a bit of cold water on her jobseeking, and she told others that I didn't want her working , which doesn't go down well with alternativists, though they seemed to see through the hype and told her she was being silly because I obviously couldn't stop her working whatever I said).

To some extent.... but not usually. I mean, if someone's super late getting somewhere, after a long time I might start worrying and calling, especially if they are normally on time.

But worrying in general, not really. I don't really see the point in it, honestly, because if something bad happened and I was just at home worrying, it wouldn't help anything or fix anything.... and I'm really not sure if my "worrying" is even a worry, or more a panic simply because the person isn't on time and I just want to know what is going on. Usually it starts out with me getting frustrated that they are late and triggers from there. More like "why the heck aren't they here?" rather than "oh I hope nothing bad happened to them".

Yes.

I feel like in many ways I have failed them. I know I have not been the best husband and father. All the caring in the world doesn't overcome an inability to know when your kids or wife simply need warmth and love.

But isn't that statement itself evidence that you care even if you don't know how to properly go about doing it? If you knew when and how to do it but it was kinda "fake" would that be better? Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean.

Myself, I worry about others probably for selfish reasons but I think I worry about them if something happens to me because it will affect them. I'm not sure if this makes sense.

Evidence that I care isn't enough. That is too cerebral. My family NEEDS the emotional contact that I am so unskilled in giving. There is a big emphasis on how Asperger's and autism affects the one diagnosed. But in a family, it also affects the caregivers, wives, husbands, siblings and anyone else in the family unit.

It helps my wife to know that I do care and that I do worry about them and am concerned for their well being. But it doesn't meet the emotional need. Something really is missing.

Obsessively.