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Skilpadde
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23 May 2014, 9:31 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
It's been my understanding that small talk was generally things concerning the weather, how one's day has been going, and "OMG that top is so cute! Where did you get it?"

I have come to realize you're supposed to point out the obvious weather that day, lie about how your day has been if it hasn't been good, and actually remember where you got 'that cute top'.

So yes, I think small talk is superficial things nobody really cares about.

Is all of that small talk?? But small talk is pointless babble where the content isn't important and I don't see all of that as pointless. If I compliment someone on something it's because I mean it, and most people like compliments so that's not pointless to me. For instance I have told a few people here that I like their avatar because I actually like their avatar. Is that small talk?

I do sometimes mention the weather if it's of the more unusual kind, like snow in May. Or electrical storms or hail.

Normal small talk about weather would be impossible with me!

"Lovely weather we're having."
"Too dang hot!"

or:

"It's always raining. I wish it would let up."
"I like rain."

And so they run away from the wild disagreeable one :lol:

But seriously, the stuff I started my post with may not be the deepest issues available, but they aren't pointless to me, nor something I don't care about at all.


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Adamantium
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23 May 2014, 10:11 am

The only boring talk about weather is based in ignorance.

The atmosphere is an endlessly fascinating, awesome, and stunningly beautiful display of fluid dynamics in action. It is fantastically complicated, ever changing and full of the most beautiful visual effects of shape, shadow and intense color.

You have multiple layers of air moving at different speeds and driven by different forces. You have vast, convection driven toroidal cells ringing the planet at various latitudes and shaping the overall pattern, then high and low pressure/density areas moving around, driving winds...\\
Frontogenesis, bombogenesis, cyclones, electrical storms and earth-sun interactions... How can this amazing and lovely thing be boring?
[img][800:679]http://wordlesstech.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Beautiful-wave-like-Kelvin-Helmholtz-clouds.jpg[/img]
Image
Image

"Superficial things that nobody really cares about!" Feh.



Skilpadde
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23 May 2014, 10:13 am

^I know, right? Weather is so not boring!



ediself wrote:
Yes, i swear, it happened to me more than once: wife tells me about her job leaving almost no time for her kids, i start giving tips and asking if her husband makes enough for her to work part time , or telling her that she could try telling her husband to do the housework on week ends so she has more time with the kids, but of course this is all getting very personal, and the person barely knows me and doesn't want to go into details about their private life with me (even though we are TALKING, or so i thought, small talk is not "conversation"), so they get weirded out and avoid me :D
proper answer: "poor you" (fake sympathy, not real one), and talk about yourself and how little you see your kids....and aren't we all on the same boat. End subject.

Many good examples were posted in this thread about this but I can?t quote them all, so I picked this one. This is such a good example of why I wonder why even try. If it?s too personal to get a real comment on, then it?s too personal to talk about with that person. Shut up instead! I understand about venting, but isn't that supposed to be kept to those you know somewhat well?


XFilesGeek wrote:
"Small talk" is a "necessary evil."

It's serves the same purpose as monkeys picking lice off of each other......in other words, a social bonding mechanism. It is not intended to "be logical" or "be interesting." It is meant to advertise openess to friendship and communication. I did not start getting invited to parties and get-togethers by co-workers until I began to make an effort to engage in light conversation and demonstrating an interest in their daily lives.

How can you possibly show an interest when you?re not supposed to show an actual interest?
I feel a headache coming on?


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Last edited by Skilpadde on 23 May 2014, 10:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

bumble
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23 May 2014, 10:29 am

It's not exactly riviting conversation and it seems to be a waste of time. It never seems to result in anything productive or positive, its not even enjoyable.

I acutally enjoy a good two way conversation but about subjects that matter or are interesting. Most chit chat is usually pointless though.

I won't say that it's unintelligent as that may be the part of the country that I am living in right now. There must be a reason drs coined the terms Normal for Norfolk when referring to the intellectually challenged so I am not the only one to feel that people up here are, in the most part, remarkably slow (this does not mean they are all slow but the majority are..sorry but they are. They are also weird up here as some of the things they say are weird about me are normal where I come from (such as going into a pub on my own, women do that all the time in the midlands and no one said anything about it). However, small talk usually offers very little of interest to me.

There are a few exceptions though...I like funny people who make me laugh. I can chit chat with them about anything and everything esepcially if they have their sense of humour out for some exercise.

Other than that I am happy to sit quietly with people, but they usually won't let me. I get annoyed about that. Why can a person not just be quiet when they don't have anything to say?



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23 May 2014, 11:49 am

I do believe that small talk serves a purpose. Some people refer to it as a ?social lubricant?. Based upon my observations, this is 100% true.

For me, I dislike Small Talk because I am not adept at it. If I was good at it, then I would find it fun (almost like a game).

Why am I not good at it?

emjay89 wrote:
Because we can't think on the spot.

This is true for me, due to issues with Executive Functioning

Magnus_Rex wrote:
Because I can't think fast enough to keep a conversation going, unless it's about one of my interests.

This is true for me as well. I am OK, as long as it?s a topic I am intimately familiar with at the time of the conversation (e.g. something I am currently focused on and thinking about). However, I am not so good discussing past interests, unless I study up on the topic.

Verdandi wrote:
I believe NTs expect you to lie and say your family's great, or at least filter only the good news for them, yes.

I agree with this. Unfortunately, for me, it requires way too much multi-tasking to ?frame? every utterance appropriately, with a positive ?spin?. As a result, I oftentimes blurt out what comes to mind (unable to apply that filter). Which isn?t what others want to hear.



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23 May 2014, 2:36 pm

Adamantium wrote:
The only boring talk about weather is based in ignorance.

The atmosphere is an endlessly fascinating, awesome, and stunningly beautiful display of fluid dynamics in action. It is fantastically complicated, ever changing and full of the most beautiful visual effects of shape, shadow and intense color.

You have multiple layers of air moving at different speeds and driven by different forces. You have vast, convection driven toroidal cells ringing the planet at various latitudes and shaping the overall pattern, then high and low pressure/density areas moving around, driving winds...\\
Frontogenesis, bombogenesis, cyclones, electrical storms and earth-sun interactions... How can this amazing and lovely thing be boring?
[img][800:679]http://wordlesstech.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Beautiful-wave-like-Kelvin-Helmholtz-clouds.jpg[/img]
Image
Image

"Superficial things that nobody really cares about!" Feh.


See, this kind of weather talk I could dig. But talking about how it's 2 degrees hotter than yesterday just makes me want to rip my hair out.



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23 May 2014, 6:35 pm

I go to AA/NA meetings. Right after it's finished people get together in groups and start chatting. Sometimes they do it inside the hall but they usually go outside to smoke and chat. I'm mostly left out of joining any of the groups because I don't smoke or get into small talk. I've tried, though. I've stood idly by while they talk about the weather, shoes, walking their dogs, etc. When I stand anymore I just quietly leave.

These days I don't stand outside the groups and listen to them anymore. After the meetings I just walk to my car and take off. Yes. People have told me I need to socialize more. Very difficult when it seems like the people are not talking to you or saying anything you can latch onto.

When people ask me, "How are you?" or "How's it going?" I have some stock answers: "Okay. Can't complain" or "Fine. Thanks for asking." In truth, I'd rather not lie like that and answer how I really want to: "I'm depressed and suicidal, I'm close to homelessness and I have no friends." Nobody wants to hear that of course so I use my stock answers.



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23 May 2014, 9:57 pm

Adamantium wrote:
The only boring talk about weather is based in ignorance.


I don't think we're REALLY talking about the weather. It's more about talking about nothing/anything in general, simply for the sake of saying something.

Yes, the weather can be awesome but in terms of small talk, it's akin to someone who wants to tell you all about their hemorrhoids. Interesting, I'm sure but you'd rather just make your coffee and go back to your desk.


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Gzac95
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24 May 2014, 12:28 am

It is doubtful I have anything they want to hear and vice versa.



Skilpadde
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24 May 2014, 1:32 am

Rocket123 wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
I believe NTs expect you to lie and say your family's great, or at least filter only the good news for them, yes.

I agree with this. Unfortunately, for me, it requires way too much multi-tasking to ?frame? every utterance appropriately, with a positive ?spin?. As a result, I oftentimes blurt out what comes to mind (unable to apply that filter). Which isn?t what others want to hear.

Huh. There are so few I'm close to that if there were bad news I wouldn't be comfortable telling them anyway. In fact there is no one IRL outside of my family I would tell any uncomfortable truth.

redrobin62 wrote:
When people ask me, "How are you?" or "How's it going?" I have some stock answers: "Okay. Can't complain" or "Fine. Thanks for asking." In truth, I'd rather not lie like that and answer how I really want to: "I'm depressed and suicidal, I'm close to homelessness and I have no friends." Nobody wants to hear that of course so I use my stock answers.

Would you really have been comfortable saying that? I wouldn't myself, which is why I'm wondering.
That's exactly why I loathe accidentally running into old school mates. They'll ask what I'm doing these days, and I have nothing good to tell them. That's not something I wanna talk about. If I'd had something good to say, I'd be happy to see them and exchange news. But as it is, I'm not.


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Iced
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24 May 2014, 1:55 am

To be honest, it confuses and, at some points, overwhelms me.

Not --- I have no idea what's going on, but my mind gets overwhelmed by trying to filter in and filter out all the appropriate and inappropriate things to say and trying to figure out just WHAT to say that is 1) relevant to the small talk, 2) equal to the other person in 'depth' of conversation, etc.

A lot of 'small talk' is joking or current events or pop culture where I'm at and where the person initiating a 'small talk' is literally only looking for 'small' talk, I can end up talking too much or saying the wrong thing by actually accidentally taking something literally... a lot of the times.

Yes, I have a lot of mental rubrics for social situations, but it's still a mentally draining thing to go through.

I'd rather avoid those problems, then, by simply avoiding the small talk.



Al725
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25 May 2014, 11:42 pm

I geuss it just makes me feel like a mindless robot. I also get this really sickeningly phoney feeling after engaging in small talk.This often comes with a fake, plastic grin that I have to force off my face with just as much effort as was required to force it on.
I geuss in depth, conversations regarding a topic that interests me is easy because it's entertaining.



WhatAGal
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26 May 2014, 2:27 am

It's pedestrian and requires little thought - not my cup of tea, but than again it depends entirely on the person I'm talking to. There are very few people I don't mind discussing simple matters with, usually someone I feel the most comfortable around (which is rare).



musician_enigma
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26 May 2014, 4:08 am

I dislike small talk for various reasons but I find myself initiating more often recently. It's how I assert my friendliness, make myself approachable and show interest in people. Internally, it also makes me feel less lonely, gets me away from feeling anxious. Which in turn makes it easier to be more open and transition into deeper conversations if I feel the need to.

Usually when the small talk is not initiated by myself, I tend to have moments where I fail on my side of the socialization. Examples include: being caught off guard and not responding quick enough, or letting the conversation drop because I forgot to say my part (due to feeling anxious).

Typically I am in deep thought while simultaneously managing any anxiety or sensory issues. So when I make the jump to conversing and interacting with the world around me it is 1000 times easier (less stressful) when I initiate. Therefore, I strongly prefer to initiate the small talk and despite my dislike for it, it also has great purpose.