Do you think my friend got Asperger's?

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Luluu
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10 Dec 2015, 8:58 am

Hello there :)
I was hoping I could get someone's opinion on whether or not you think my friend (let's call him John for now) could be on the spectrum. I'm just going to tell you why I was thinking he might be and why this matters to me and stuff.
I'm really close with John, in fact we were/are sort of seeing each other but it's always been complicated. Either way he's one of my favorite people on earth, which is why I can't really get this whole issue off my mind ever since I started looking into it. Ever since I got to know John, he's always acted very different from other people. He told me he was diagnosed with Social Anxiety, but I just couldn't help but feel like there's more to it.
We would be talking online for hours but every time I ran into him in real life it turned out to be really awkward. I tried to initiate meeting up with him, but he would neither get the hints nor pick up on it when I asked straight away. This eventually got a little better once he got more comfortable around me.
Over time, he's said many things that I found particularly odd, like for example:
- he thinks small talk is stupid and he had to consciously learn social interaction
- he thinks feelings are just implied in relationships and there's no need to tell friends and family that you love them or miss them
- he's always felt very different from other people, as if his brain worked differently
- he doesn't like presents or words of encouragement
- he doesn't like the obligation of having to tell people that care about him about what's going on in his life and that he constantly forgets to share major happenings
- he doesn't know what exactly he's feeling when he's feeling something, like he can't really name the feeling or describe it in words
- he has issues making out what people are trying to say, especially if he didn't hear all the words

These were just things he actually said, there's lots of other things I noticed in his behavior that didn't quite strike me as "normal" (I know, normal isn't the right word choice, but I can't think of a better one atm)
Due to his behavior I've always sort of treated him differently as well, like I'm very careful not to say things that might be ambiguous when talking to him and I avoid saying emotionally loaded things, cause he doesn't really seem to know how to handle that. Whenever we have an argument, John either gets really angry and defensive (even if I didn't blame him for anything) or just walks off and comes back to the conversation a few hours or days later. He has a very peculiar style of expressing himself as well, he uses lots of big fancy words and full stops in texts and he really doesn't get emojis at all. Also, he doesn't really care about saying hello and goodbye and if he does it's literally like "bye." He's quite blunt in general, but so am I, so that always worked out fine.
Since I found his behavior so odd and due to all the communication problems we've had I started reading into it and doing some research. Id didn't really get me anywhere at first but then John came up to me and actually asked my opinion on whether I thought he could have Asperger's. Some family member had pointed it out to him and apparently he took the test online and scored extremely high. I wasn't really surprised by that but I didn't really know much about autism, so I decided to look into it a bit.
I then read this book about undiagnosed adults with Asperger's and how they cope in life and it actually felt like they were describing his life. Just recently, I watched the movie "If you could say it in words" and the main character who is portraying an autistic painter also reminded me of John throughout the whole movie. I read a lot online and looked into psychology and neurology handbooks at the library, cause I'd really like to help John.
By now I'm pretty convinced that he does have at least mild autistic traits. I told him about it and he said that he'd talk to his councelor about it eventually, but then when I tried talking to him about what I had read he just shut me down and told me he doesn't want me to get involved.
That's fair enough, I mean, it's none of my business but I am really confused right now. Why did John ask me in the first place if he doesn't want me to get involved? And from what I described, would you agree with me? Should I just drop the whole thing or should I keep trying? I know he's struggling and I'm sure he could be doing so much better if he finally understood what's going on with him and why he feels so different.

I'd be really grateful for any kind of advice on this!!



Fnord
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10 Dec 2015, 9:10 am

The best advice is this: Inform your friend of your opinion, suggest that he seek the advice of an appropriately trained and licensed mental-health professional, and then back off.

Likely, he will tell you to back off anyway, so unless you want to keep your friend a friend, go ahead and tell him exactly what you think.


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StarTrekker
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10 Dec 2015, 6:07 pm

I agree that he definitely sounds like he fits on the spectrum. I would respect his wishes though, and not get into it with him if that's what he wants. Just let him know that you're always there to talk about it if he changes his mind or needs help, and keep doing your research; you've made an excellent start in approaching him on aspie terms (being explicit in your communication, avoiding complicated emotional content, etc.) just keep that up, and even if he doesn't recognise what you're doing, he'll appreciate you for being easier to communicate with, and more understanding than the other NTs around him. Good luck, and keep us posted!


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