The Unwritten rules of the NT world

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What are the best resources to learn them as adults?

On second thoughts, maybe even something written for children would probably be useful since in quite a few areas, it seems my level of understanding of the NT world is only about as much as that of an NT child's.

What puzzles me is that since this is such a crucial thing for ASDers, you would think the NT academics, researchers, social workers, counselors etc would come up with easy to understand resources for helping autistic people understand the NT society but despite quite some effort, I am unable to turn up much.

If they did create a guide to NT behavior...they would have to change the rules out of the fear that one of them would read it and try to game the system.

I think the problem with this is that there are actually no "rules" - there are accepted perceived guidelines that vary regionally, nationally, linguistically, historically, culturally, due to gender etc etc - even NT's get other NT's "rules" wrong so we have no chance!

I think the best way to learn is to get an "interpreter" to explain things. An NT like a family member or therapist.

They also have classes and books to teach social skills.

There is a book by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron called "The Unwritten Rules of Social situations" or something like that. That was very helpful to me, as the two of them are both on the spectrum but go about learning social cues in different ways. That was one of the books that really clicked a lightbulb on for me. As T.G. was describing how she memorized how to respond to various situations--adding "data to her database" as she studied various social interactions, I thought "how is that different or unusual? That is exactly what I do." The total bafflement with trying to decode social interactions was another thing that clicked. I had always socialized with tremendous effort and it had never occurred to me that other people did this easily.

Up till reading this book, it did not click with me that I looked at things so vastly differently than the NT population. Actually the possibility of being autistic or aspergian myself had never occurred to me, but it made sense in reading the similarities between their methods and my own methods of learning to function. I also got some helpful tips from this book, and a good overview of common difficulties and how it affects autistic people socially. I had never been able to get a clear picture of all of it up till that point. I guess because I was so socially baffled most of the time.

Be like everybody else.

Think like everybody else.

Oh come on.
Please tell me you are not even a tiny bit serious with that. Its impossible to tell what is sarcasm and what isnt on this forum..

I think that he was not being sarcastic. 'Conformity' does seem to be a watch-word for NT society. Even when one of them does seem to lack conformity, it is with the approval and support of other non-conformists. In essence, it's okay to be 'different' as long as you do it in a way that is popular among NTs.

Other apparent NT rules ...

- When asked "How are you?", the correct answer in every possible situation is "Fine!"

- Presenting a cheerful countenance is more important than making your needs known.

- It is more important to be believed than to tell the truth.

- You can justify the use of soul-ripping criticism by labeling it as 'constructive'.

- There is something morally wrong with being disabled.

- The only acceptable complaints are those you make about how other people are jealous of your achievements.

... more to come ...

I just watched a short movie about Alan Turing, the famous mathematician who was crucial in breaking the code of the German "Enigma" machine during WWII.

In the movie he is shown saying (comparing "secret code" to human interaction): Secret code is when you want to say something so others can't understand by using secret coding. This is the same way (he said) people and society work : People say things and really mean something else....and you're supposed to understand what they mean.

Sound like any of us you know?

Unfortunately Mr. Turing was hounded and persecuted by English authorities over his homosexuality, despite his major part in winning the war, causing disgrace and forcing him to commit suicide at a very young age.

Where do you get the idea that there is something morally wrong with being disabled? Is this really true. I can see disabilities as bad but not the people with them.

You aren't supposed to be very clear or logical about it, because then it'd become apparent that you're morally condemning people for something they had no choice about, and this could cause a cognitive dissonance. Therefore, you just resort to the amazing ability of the human brain to find reasonable-sounding excuses to reach a conclusion which was, in fact, already chosen at the beginning. In this case, the conclusion is that the person is at fault. It doesn't matter what they're at fault for; they are at fault for something and deserve to be treated badly.

Last edited by Spiderpig on 22 Jan 2016, 1:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The socially intelligent and the sociopaths already know how to game the system.
Such a guide, if created would actually help in leveling the playing field and minimizing the damage caused by sociopaths and social predators.

Whether you call them rules or guidelines, there is a certain something that helps NTs click across boundaries while ASDers have social difficulties even within so-called homogeneous groups.

When I was a child, people with mental or emotional deficiencies (and/or just *differences*) were still kept hidden for the most part. As were many physical deficiencies or differences from the norm. A big part of the reason the 1960's and 70's counterculture came about was because the social pressure to conform (& be shamed if one could not) had reached a breaking point.

The sociological / historical reasons vary slightly by local population and subculture, but some of the biggest influences during that time period were:
-Cold War mentality / public projection of perfection (this actually existed prior, in the 1940's but exploded in the 50's)
-Cold War mentality / projection of everything being a pure binary (easy to make things "good" or "bad" only).
-Surviving pockets and a strong larger cultural memory of a thousand year Christian concept that some people are closer to the Grace of God than others. "Grace" in this context among other things means perfection in body, soul and morality. Unfortunately, being "imperfect" often became equated with "immoral".
-Pockets of cultural resistance to the Civil Rights era equality efforts (race being a very visible difference with a strong social hierarchy in many regions and cultures)

Why is there not a guide, say something called "The official guide to Human Social interactions" which lays down the rules/guidelines of NT social interactions in detail?

Why isn't there a coaching institute where one can take a course or a book which one can read, upon completion of which an aspie or a HFA would not have social difficulties any more.