Im just not making any progress socially and im lonely

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johnnydangerous
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23 Mar 2011, 8:41 pm

Everytime I think I make a friend, they turn out to be inconsiderate jerks, or just fade away. Anyone else experience this? Females especially. I don't mind if they cancel plans but usually these people have NO respect for my time at all, and will cancel literally an hour before were supposed to meet.

I'm sorry but that is very rude in my book. First off i NEVER cancel on anyone unless an extreme emergency came up. Typically though my new 'friends' won't even bother to come up with a good reason, just 'I don't feel well'.

I can understand mabye doing that once you truly establish a friendship, mabye after you go out a few times. But the first time? What a way to start things off.

I'm so sick of trying to make new friends, but I keep trying because I'm so lonely. I'm a handsome guy and I'm fun to be around, but I continually get passed on because I don't have 1000000 facebook friends.

I don't know what to do. I hate being so alone. I just want some friends and a relationship. My chest hurts from the pain and isolation. Why do people treat me this way?

Why can't I make any friends? Why don't women wanna date me? I'm an attractive, good man. I think I'm a catch! But I get passed over for LOSERS!

Mabye I should kill myself. Been thinking more and more about it. I DONT FIT IN!



bee33
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23 Mar 2011, 8:48 pm

Go easy on yourself. Making friends is very hard, in my experience, and there are a lot of jerks out there. I know it's hard to keep trying when it feels like you're just setting yourself up for rejection. I feel that way myself. And I also know how it feels when you say that loneliness is like a tight pain in your chest.

Have you tried befriending anyone here on WP? Maybe try sending someone a PM and get to know them.



Gideon
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23 Mar 2011, 8:50 pm

You want a women don't be the nice guy. This doesn't mean be abusive but women don't like nice guys. get an edge.



albertwesker
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23 Mar 2011, 9:37 pm

i know how you feel, i'm incredibly confused as to how these guys that i would label "losers" get the girls i have to fantasize about, even though many people (family and strangers old enough to be my parent_) tell me i look like a model

i can't remember the last time a girl around my age flirted with me

at least these girls are canceling with you, that's better than being stood up without any explanation

i know i'm not a fun guy, but how does a person know that they are one?



johnnydangerous
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23 Mar 2011, 10:33 pm

Gideon wrote:
You want a women don't be the nice guy. This doesn't mean be abusive but women don't like nice guys. get an edge.



What does that even mean? Put on an act? "Edge" in other words "start pretending you're someone else". Well I am unable to do that, and even if I could, I don't think I'd want to. I guess I have to accept my fate as forever being alone.



albertwesker
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23 Mar 2011, 11:27 pm

not sure what get an edge means either, i hear that all the time but what does it mean?

ride a motorcycle? seems like an unecessary risk to me, never thought it looked fun either

get tattoos? are those edgy these days when seemingly every person has one? besides i think they are ugly

tilt my hat to the side and let my pants sag? do i really have to point out how stupid this looks?

maybe be edgy means play games? it would be nice to get a girl for being real and honest, but i guess that only works in the movies with attractive looking women

be a jerk? strange world when men are penalized for being kind and respectful



Musicprophets
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24 Mar 2011, 1:39 am

dont fall for that neurotic, shallow, internet journalist dating advice BS regarding women not wanting a nice guy. its total f*****g BS made up by extroverts and people who are too stupid or shallow to know what self respect is and/or have no interest in others respecting them. THE BEST ADVICE is be who you are. dont lie about yourself. dont be someone you're not because in the end, all it is going to lead to is shallow, worthless, short term connections with people who they themselves are probably pros of being fake. being fake is fine when you are in high school/college, but in the real world, real people want real people around. and if they dont understand that simple truth, then they are not worth any of your time.

and unfortunately, while you may be already mature with a sound mind and sound integrity to pursue good friendships and relationships, others around you in your local communities may not be at that point in their life. so unfortunately, you just have to keep trying and maintain your positivity, even though i personally know how much it f*****g sucks at times as im dealing with the exact same issues with friends and relationships.

and to the right person, being who you are, will be the perfect "edge" for them. not the made up fake BS brought to by the media.



quietbird
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24 Mar 2011, 4:43 am

All I can tell you is to hang in there. Hang in there and hang in there.

You're right about yourself. You're handsome and likely quite a catch.

This may not be the most exciting or adventurous advice, but I'm going to give it because it's a pattern that I've noticed.

Allow yourself to be found. That's all. Do what you do, work on your goals, be comfortable and at some point someone will notice you.

They'll find you and they'll call you and they'll allow no confusion over the fact that they enjoy your company.



And don't listen to those people who tell you that you need an edge or a front. If you play that game you'll be both competing against and for people who enjoy it and are naturally better at it than you; which ultimately means they're incompatible with you. The loudest and most visible people are not the only ones out there.

Your eyes would go wide in disbelief at how many of us are lurking just off-stage.



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24 Mar 2011, 5:16 am

Just a thought - do you ever let these people know that you don't like it when they cancel? Challenging can be difficult for us, but it shouldn't be too hard to explain that what they did caused you to miss out on other stuff.

Also, women sometimes do that cancelling thing as a test of the guy's strength (or whatever), so it's not always quite what it seems. Chasing can feel very risky, but when you think about it, mostly the only risk is a bit of humiliation and rejection. It's not always the appropriate response, but I'd always at least consider it if a woman was acting like that, and if I felt she was worth the risk I'd see what I could do. Wouldn't accept it as a way of life though.

The thing about getting an edge - I don't think it's a matter of pretense. Just that if you're habitually pulling your punches and being nice all the time, they might respect you better if you stood up for your own needs occasionally and drew a few lines. But it's impossible for me to be sure, as I've never seen you in action - it might not be your problem at all.



Gideon
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24 Mar 2011, 6:35 am

johnnydangerous wrote:
Gideon wrote:
You want a women don't be the nice guy. This doesn't mean be abusive but women don't like nice guys. get an edge.



What does that even mean? Put on an act? "Edge" in other words "start pretending you're someone else". Well I am unable to do that, and even if I could, I don't think I'd want to. I guess I have to accept my fate as forever being alone.


If you want women then no you can not be "Yourself" obviously being yourself doesn't work if it did you would be laying in bed with some woman right now.

Look I was in your boat. I was horrible with women. They just wanted to be friends because I was such a nice guy. That s**t stinks and being nice, listening to her, and chasing her doesn't work. It never has and it never will.

You have aspergers or you probably would not be here...so use it.

You can learn what women want. It is easy hell I'll tell you right here what to do.


1. Be cool. women want to laugh and the clown sometimes gets the girl, but not you don't do goofy crap don't be the clown. You need to stay cool, Dress cool act cool and be a little unavailable.

a. always set a date for as soon as possible and as exact as possible..."let's do something next week" is a brush off "Let's go eat tomorrow at 6" is a date. If she doesn't want to set an exact time tell her you are too busy and need an exact time. If she continues to say she can't give you an exact time tell her that you don't play games and that if she can't make the time for you then you aren't interested. She will then set an exact time.
b. if a women calls and makes an excuse about why she needs to break a date...hang up on her just as soon as she starts to say it (she will cream her pants if you do this). When she calls back and she will. Tell her you don't have time for BS excuses and that if she isn't interested enough to make some time for you then you don't have time for her. She will be falling over herself to go out and make up for her mistake.
c. Always be in charge. You make the dates you break the dates.


2. Women decide in the first minute or two if they want to sleep with you (best to meet them when they have been drinking because their perceptions are weaker then) First impressions count big time. They drink at the bar and if you want to get laid you don't.

3. The asperger way is to act Smart and arrogant. You are better than those NT guys. You are smarter, If you manage your interests you will make more money than them so your future is brighter, You are a better partner because you will be less likely to cheat. You are better and more evolved act like that, believe it and they will see the confidence. Women can smell a loser you aren't one so don't smell or act like one.

4. Women choose mates based on instinct. If you can't dance and dance well...don't. Do the things you are best at never let them see you doing things you aren't good at. If you are a good artist take an art class, women will be there. If you sing really well, go do karaoke. Find a place where your interest is appreciated and where there are women. When they see you doing something you are good at they will flock to you.

These rules work everytime

I wish someone had told me these things when I was 15 or 16 I was in my 20s before I made this an interest and did the research needed to do this correctly. It works when I first decided to be confident in my abilities I was picking up women right and left. Once a girl fell so in love with the arrogant fake me she brought a second girl into the mix because I said I would only be with her if we had a three some, and these weren't dogs. I have dated models, strippers, hot goth chicks you name it. Now I am settled down but I had alot of fun after I learned the secret.


There are going to be women on here that tell you women like the good guy and that these rules are BS. Do not listen to them. What you are doing now is not working. If someone tells you to relax and wait for someone to find you yes someone will but it won't be the person you want to be with. It will be some fat cow who is looking for someone to take care of them. To just be blunt. You want the best you got to play the game. It is that simple.


Go use these rules on one women. Just go out right now and the first hot women you see ask her out. IF SHE SAYS NO GO ASK THREE MORE Be confident and use these rules then report back here you will see that I am right.



fiddlerpianist
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24 Mar 2011, 7:01 am

Take something you like to do (or think you might like to learn more about), and then find others that like the same thing. It could be an activity, club, book group, bird watchers, etc. It helps to choose an activity which is somewhat tolerant of eccentricities. :)


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Musicprophets
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24 Mar 2011, 10:38 am

If you want women then no you can not be "Yourself" obviously being yourself doesn't work if it did you would be laying in bed with some woman right now.

Look I was in your boat. I was horrible with women. They just wanted to be friends because I was such a nice guy. That sh** stinks and being nice, listening to her, and chasing her doesn't work. It never has and it never will.

You have aspergers or you probably would not be here...so use it.

You can learn what women want. It is easy hell I'll tell you right here what to do.


1. Be cool. women want to laugh and the clown sometimes gets the girl, but not you don't do goofy crap don't be the clown. You need to stay cool, Dress cool act cool and be a little unavailable.

a. always set a date for as soon as possible and as exact as possible..."let's do something next week" is a brush off "Let's go eat tomorrow at 6" is a date. If she doesn't want to set an exact time tell her you are too busy and need an exact time. If she continues to say she can't give you an exact time tell her that you don't play games and that if she can't make the time for you then you aren't interested. She will then set an exact time.
b. if a women calls and makes an excuse about why she needs to break a date...hang up on her just as soon as she starts to say it (she will cream her pants if you do this). When she calls back and she will. Tell her you don't have time for BS excuses and that if she isn't interested enough to make some time for you then you don't have time for her. She will be falling over herself to go out and make up for her mistake.
c. Always be in charge. You make the dates you break the dates.


2. Women decide in the first minute or two if they want to sleep with you (best to meet them when they have been drinking because their perceptions are weaker then) First impressions count big time. They drink at the bar and if you want to get laid you don't. this advice seems to be for the classic douchebag arrogant college minded frat boys. and sure this s**t may work until you're in your 30s (if that), but eventually you will meet a woman who is mature and is not thinking about f*****g you after meeting in 2 minutes. and let me tell you if a woman gives off those kind of vibes as being so shallow/aggressive to meet their own selfish sexual needs, than that woman is an immature insecure arrogant as*hole. and not worth my time at all.

3. The asperger way is to act Smart and arrogant. You are better than those NT guys. You are smarter, If you manage your interests you will make more money than them so your future is brighter, You are a better partner because you will be less likely to cheat. You are better and more evolved act like that, believe it and they will see the confidence. Women can smell a loser you aren't one so don't smell or act like one. WOMEN CAN SMELL A LOSER?!?!?!?. again shallow ignorant BS advice.

4. Women choose mates based on instinct. If you can't dance and dance well...don't. Do the things you are best at never let them see you doing things you aren't good at. If you are a good artist take an art class, women will be there. If you sing really well, go do karaoke. Find a place where your interest is appreciated and where there are women. When they see you doing something you are good at they will flock to you.

These rules work everytime..... bull f*****g s**t.

I wish someone had told me these things when I was 15 or 16 I was in my 20s before I made this an interest and did the research needed to do this correctly. It works when I first decided to be confident in my abilities I was picking up women right and left. Once a girl fell so in love with the arrogant fake me she brought a second girl into the mix because I said I would only be with her if we had a three some, and these weren't dogs. I have dated models, strippers, hot goth chicks you name it. Now I am settled down but I had alot of fun after I learned the secret......so you did this research....where exactly is this research? scientific research with charts and graphs. and not just something you pulled out of your ass and say "hey thats my research, everybody, im an expert on dating and im awesome at making awesome research work to fit my awesome advice". please dont tell me you are one of those "how to get a woman in 5 minutes by using this scientifically based pheromone enhancing, jaw dropping, mind spinning secret ingredient that will make women want you...over and over again!" .....again BS from internet bullshitters.


There are going to be women on here that tell you women like the good guy and that these rules are BS. Do not listen to them. What you are doing now is not working. If someone tells you to relax and wait for someone to find you yes someone will but it won't be the person you want to be with. It will be some fat cow who is looking for someone to take care of them. To just be blunt. You want the best you got to play the game. It is that simple.


Go use these rules on one women. Just go out right now and the first hot women you see ask her out. IF SHE SAYS NO GO ASK THREE MORE Be confident and use these rules then report back here you will see that I am right.[/quote]

well from a man's perspective, i believe this advice is complete bs. fake, shallow, cynical, depressing BS. of course you could say well the truth hurts, but i for one still find that i would be one of the few who can easily see this BS. im not looking for an argument, im just saying your advice is BS. and unfounded. and cynical and fake. nor has any practical meaning to any relationships, and if your research can tell me otherwise, which i doubt it would be without having a sense of personal bias/opinion/cookie cutter advice/ this is how it really works "advice". :roll:



Last edited by Musicprophets on 24 Mar 2011, 10:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Gideon
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24 Mar 2011, 10:44 am

I don't give a rats a$$ if you think it is fake. I will let the guy I gave the advice too decide if he wants to use it or not. He will lead a happier life if he does. Simple as that.

The first time I finally stopped being the victim and simply hung up on some girl that was canceling a date it changed my view forever. After she called back I told her I hung up because My time was valuable and I didn't have time to wait on flaky b!tches. We went out on a date that night and she was all over me. I learned a valuable lesson..


This is always true.... women value a man who values himself and is not willing to put up with her sh!t.


Call it BS call it shallow call it wrong.....she will call you back if you use the advice. That's all that matters.



fiddlerpianist
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24 Mar 2011, 10:59 am

Gideon wrote:
He will lead a happier life if he does. Simple as that.

A giant, enormous assumption which might be rooted in the AS tendency to think that one's own path to happiness is implicitly everybody else's path to happiness. BS. If the idea is to pick up girls, Gideon's advice may work. But there's a good chance you won't be any happier or any less lonely in the long run.

I'm going to say it again: establish friends through an activity you like to do. IMO this is one of the most stable, foundational things you can do for long-term friendship. If conversations get awkward, the immediate fallback is to discuss the activity (or doing the activity). Chances are, the other person involved in the conversation may feel equally awkward and appreciate the "out" to take the pressure off the small talk.

And for heaven's sake... don't worry about dating women before you have such a foundation in place! That will naturally evolve over time. I don't get the impression that's your focus, though... which is good. Have faith in yourself and learn self-love, and I agree that:

Gideon wrote:
women value a man who values himself


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Gideon
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24 Mar 2011, 11:08 am

BTW if I was selling something I would not be giving this information away. It is this simple all human beings and especially women rely heavily on their instincts to decide who to mate with. We may love to believe we are rational creatures driven by rational thoughtful urges but we aren't.

Women see confident men as good mates.

Confident men don't put up with BS.

Confident men are somewhat arrogant (or at least act like it)

Confident men dress well

Women also look for competence in the men they seek as mates.

That means you go and do things you are good at when looking for women.

If you can't dance don't look for a woman at a dance club you will look like a goof.

Women look for wealth in a mate

Instinct drives women to find mates who can care for her children

So look like you have money even if you don't


These are tried and true...You know they work because this is what NT men do to get women and they don't even realize they are doing it most of the time. It comes natural to them, you have to make up for that lack of male instinct.


Millions of years of instinct and mating ritual isn't just going to change because you are lonely.

If you were doing a job and someone told you a way to do that job easier and quicker and that it would pay off big in the end, but it actually required a little bit of up front work. Would you blow them off because you would rather be lazy and keep doing it the same way without the end reward?



fiddlerpianist
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24 Mar 2011, 11:30 am

Gideon wrote:
Women see confident men as good mates.

Confident men don't put up with BS.

Confident men are somewhat arrogant (or at least act like it)

Confident men dress well

Women also look for competence in the men they seek as mates.

That means you go and do things you are good at when looking for women.

If you can't dance don't look for a woman at a dance club you will look like a goof.

Women look for wealth in a mate

Instinct drives women to find mates who can care for her children

I agree with all of this, actually. My point is that you need to honestly, truly believe in and love yourself first. If you are seeking friendship, that means finding the right kind of friends who can affirm you as a whole person. Don't put the cart before the horse.


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