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gav126
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25 Mar 2011, 6:16 pm

I thought people with aspergers did not usually have friends. I have a group of friends. This is how they are:



Best Friend: Quiet, and has a lot of aspie traits.


Other Best friend: Nice to me, and is hated by the whole school, because he is from Afghanistan.


Regular friend: Typical kid, I get in a lot of arguments with him.


If I have aspergers, why do I have friends?



RainingRoses
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25 Mar 2011, 6:26 pm

Don't worry. You have the kind of friends that Aspies have ... LOL! Love and appreciate them for who they are, as they do you.


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Orcist
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25 Mar 2011, 6:28 pm

Why shouldn't you have friends?



gav126
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25 Mar 2011, 6:34 pm

I am saying that aspies usually did not have much friends, but I do. I was wondering what makes me have friends.



ghdcanada
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25 Mar 2011, 6:57 pm

I have lots of friends and I was diagnosed with high functioning autism (now probably called AS) my friends who understand and accept me, I am fairly shy when you first meet me but in small groups, I do ok.
I don't have as many social issues as some people, I pretend to look people in the eye and keep my rocking to a minimum as well as remove myself from situations that might be embarassing (like I will be physically sick to my stomach if there are two different radio stations on, not very pleasant in a busy mall I tell you)

I think that assuming all aspies won't have friends just feeds into the stereotypes that we are all the same... We all have unique challenges and gifts.

I'm glad you have friends! Everyone needs someone.



Surfman
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25 Mar 2011, 7:08 pm

Your only a mild aspie, or, an aspie who has characteristics enabling him to have say more friends than your average aspie.

What those characteristics are, is easier for you to decipher, as i dont know you from a bar of soap



CockneyRebel
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25 Mar 2011, 9:00 pm

I also have friends, as well.


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25 Mar 2011, 9:16 pm

gav126 wrote:
I am saying that aspies usually did not have much friends, but I do. I was wondering what makes me have friends.

Maybe because those people like you and don't judge you.

I have a few friends and have had friends growing up. Not in the usual way though. In my childhood and teens I only ever had one friend at different times; one friend when I was 5, one friend when I was 9 and one friend when I was 13. I usually only get to know one person really well. I would say I have one friend now but others that I don't know as well. They're in different age groups and are just about as crazy as me. I don't hang out with friends like most people would. Even if they lived closer to me I don't think I would.


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daydreamer84
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25 Mar 2011, 10:16 pm

since I was 16 I most often had one friend at a time who would be around for a year or two.......right now I have one girl from my AS support group that I see once a week for 2 hrs at her dorm and one friend who I was really close to but have barely spoken to in the last couple of months.......she's always with her boyfriend now................At one point I has a small group of friends.....but I did not like interacting in a group.............and tried to get them to see me one on one



gav126
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25 Mar 2011, 10:26 pm

I like being in a group, because if my one friend (the one who argues with me alot) says anything rude to me, all of my friends attack him varbally.



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26 Mar 2011, 3:23 am

gav126 wrote:
I like being in a group, because if my one friend (the one who argues with me alot) says anything rude to me, all of my friends attack him varbally.

Ahh pack mentality. Yes it's good when they turn on someone in your favour.


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26 Mar 2011, 3:36 am

I had friends in high school. Not a lot, but enough. The thing is it isn't just about having a certain number of friends, but also the depth of those friendships. When I organized for all of us (7) to go see lord of the rings: return of the king when it came out they all said they'd come then the day of everysingle person, even my best friend canceled on me. I kind of realized I always thought we were better friends than we were. And people may like you enough in class and lunch but that doesn't mean they want to spend time with you outside of that (looking back only 1 friend ever hung out with me on the weekends). My point is, it is a lot easier to have friends in high school than in college and beyond.



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26 Mar 2011, 11:22 am

I had "friends". But in about four separate instances, those "friends" turned out to be people who liked to bully me or otherwise do things to hurt me.

My first "friend" was a girl who lied all the time and liked me because I believed her lies when I understood them at all (except sometimes when her mother or my mother would tell me she was lying about something). I stopped being her friend when she stole an object that meant a lot to me, and then claimed to have "found it in the woods". (And then when my mother asked her mother to get it back for me, she claimed she "found it in her sleeping bag".)

The next one was a girl who was in a small group of girls. They were always switching around so that one person was bullied and the rest would bully her. They liked me because first off I could be that person who was bullied most of the time, and second off because they could use me to get back at each other and I wouldn't know. One of them seemed to have no conscience at all, and I used to have nightmares about her.

The next one was someone I didn't really consider a friend at all, but who later approached me saying "I was your best friend in junior high!" (I had no friends in junior high.) Later on (much past junior high), she would invite me over, or invite herself to my house. When this happened, she would spend a whole lot of the time gleefully running through what she saw as my faults. She said a lot of cruel things. And the worst, was that she never, ever listened to me when I managed to tell her she was wrong about something about what went on inside my own head. She would just continue pronouncing her judgements on me including my motivations for doing various things.

The next one was a group of people who purported to be my friends, but talked about me behind my back in really cruel ways. They had a whole lot of fun with me. I could be persuaded into anything, even when they convinced me that I had multiple personalities. (And I blamed myself for everything until much later. My psychiatrist actually saw what they were up to, and ordered me not to see them, but I saw them anyway. I had no clue how badly I was being used.) They basically treated me like I was an object, and as if this object was their toy, belonging to them, not to myself. When I finally got away from them, they became enraged the same way a person would if their own possessions walked off and decided they wanted nothing to do with them anymore. Even now, they still look for ways to bully me, much of which involves lying about me or twisting bits of the truth into mostly-lies. One of them even took a picture of him and me when he visited me in a mental institution as I was being diagnosed with autism, claimed that the picture was taken much earlier than it was and in a different location, and claimed it proved that he was my boyfriend at that time (I actually had another boyfriend at that time, not him, who mistreated me but wasn't the kind of conscienceless manipulator this guy was), thus giving him supposedly a greater insight into who I was, than I have myself (or than people like, say, my real boyfriend, had). (He also claims I was never diagnosed with autism. Okaaaaaaaay.)

It took me a really long time to overcome my social passivity and get away from "friends" like this. What happened to make me realize how bad it was, was that I made some real friends in the autistic community. Around those friends, I was highly fearful. Whenever I was at a vulnerable point, I waited for them to hurt me. When they didn't hurt me, and repeatedly didn't hurt me, I realized how awful my previous "friends" were for doing that to me. They'd use my social and communication difficulties against me in every way they could possibly think of.

The good thing is that my life is no longer the nightmare it was around "friends" like those. The bad thing is that some of them still try to bully me even though I leave them alone.


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26 Mar 2011, 11:44 am

I have had friends. I've never approached anyone for friendship. People have approached me. Dunno why they want to be my friends. I usually don't even enjoy their company and then I'm forced to stay with them. I once had a friend whom I feared very much, I really can't tell whether she was mean on purpose or if she truly thought she was being pleasant. I had to be her friend when I was 9 - 15 years old. I truly loathed and feared her company. :?
My friends at the moment - my little brother (Whom I can only talk about the computer game he's playing at the moment. I like him, but I'm also sort of afraid of him, which is very irrational.) and my cousin (Whom I find very annoying most of the time, but sometimes it's fun to share the things me and my brother might have come up with. If I've been able to spend time with him. After that's done with, I'm usually disinterested in his company. He's my brother's best friend, I think.)
I'm not studying anything or such at the moment, so I have no forced friends such as I've had many times.



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26 Mar 2011, 11:51 am

RainingRoses wrote:
Don't worry. You have the kind of friends that Aspies have ... LOL! Love and appreciate them for who they are, as they do you.

:lol: Several years ago I had some friends and realized that they were all minorities or outcasts in some way. Sadly, I seem to have lost touch with them all now.
I have online friends. They don't expect me to hang out with them in noisy environments.



sandrana
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27 Mar 2011, 1:22 pm

I am fortunate to have a few friends who I trust and feel at ease with. none of them are my age, not sure if this has anything to do with their willingness/ability to communicate with me. They are:

my boyfriend - 8 yrs difference in age, grew up in a different part of the country with a different upbringing/home environment from me

M from work - 25 years older than me, slow moving, slow talking, very sweet, shares my interests in animals, food

M2 from work - 30 years older than me, I was kind to her when she was new, she's never forgotten. thinks I am funny, appreciates my calmness and simplicity. I admire her strength

N from my volunteer group - slightly excitable woman, 20 years older than me, worries a lot, appreciates my work in the group, she is funny and patient with me.

J - my boyfriend's friend, 8 years older than me. grew up in a small town, likes my brain and cheerful cluelessness

I think a willingness to cross invisible boundaries (age/gender/experience) can be a big help in making friends. I'd spent some very enjoyable hours with a devout religious lady at my work (I'm an atheist) before she retired and moved away.