Social Anxiety

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I am working on getting over my social anxiety (in unstructured situations). I recently went to a potluck, but with a friend. I feel so anxious before an event that I just don't go. Anyone have any sharing or tips about this ..

I have the same problem. Also, I have issues similar to selective mutism. Maybe exposure therapy might help. You start with something easy and work up to harder and harder exposures to those situations.

What is potluck?

I have Social Anxiety as well.

^ a potluck is a dinner common in North America. In it, people prepare their own food at home and bring it to the dinner to be shared amongst the guests.

I've found that going with a friend or two helps - it gives me someone to talk to if I start to feel overwhelmed. And NTs are more likely to approach you and strike up a conversation if you're talking with a friend rather than isolating silently. Plus, if it's just me going to a social event, I'll often just decide to not go: figuring out how to get there and getting through my social anxiety seem to far outweigh whatever I might get out of going. But if I'm going with a friend I find I can share some of their infectious interest in participating and this helps me get over my inertia and anxiety. Going into a group for the first time when I don't know anyone is really tough for me. Potlucks and dinners are a little easier too, because participating involves eating and other largely individual actions, rather than pure social interaction - it lets me look busy while I think of what I might want to say. Also events that are related to an issue are somewhat easier for me - I used to be vegan and involved in animal rescue and going to vegan dinner MeetUps for example gave me subjects to discuss with others in attendance, e.g. vegan nutrition or homeless animal issues. Group game events (I actually went to some bingo games with friends in my 30s) also are a little easier. Volunteering to help set up events (setting up tables and chairs, bringing food, etc.) also helped me feel somewhat less anxious. I need to take some of these tips again myself - I've fallen away from going to social events the last several years. I tried attending a church for several months earlier this year, but my social anxiety literally kept driving me out the back door when confronted with a crowd of people I didn't know all standing around chatting.

You might be able to train yourself to view the event as an anthropological study.

IN doing that, I've become a bit better at relaxing and possibly breaking out of the downward social spiral in which having a socializing "handicap" feeds into anxiety, anxiety makes socializing more difficult because your nervousness exacerbates the already existent "handicap" and that in turn creates even more anxiety...

So for me now instead of trying too hard to actually make small talk, I try to just focus more an relaxation itself and not "forcing" small talk.

It doesn't totally fix everything, but at the very least you can possibly enjoy just listening to others talk, at least for a bit, and then you have more of a chance of contributing to the conversation.

All in all, socializing is its own type of transaction, like of mental "goods". People socialize to "gain" something.

YOu could think of the group as being mostly those sharing smaller, but numerous goods. But to you, it may be that it is best to share only a few "larger" goods.

I've just had to accept that I'm not good at small talk, but I can share things that are important to me much more easily. Your "social goods" may be less numerous, but have a higher value per unit (like in fiat currency) so the group can possibly have a lot of respect for you despite the fact you may not talk much.

Another analogy might be like, not being a performer per se, but how musicians might only sing a few words and /or play instruments, but a huge crowd will stand at attention for them. It's a huge transaction between only a few people and a few thousand, yet if all goes well, they feel like they've all gained something and feel happy about it

Meetings are easier than parties, overall.

Have you tried drinking wine or beer beforehand (only 1 or 2)? When I was in college (at a time when there was a lot of social events for me), just having a few beers would make me A LOT more social. Although, I never drank more than about 5 drinks since I'd start gagging (from my body rejecting it I think).