Did you hypothesize about your social problems before AS?

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no. i knew and my parents knew that i wasn't sociallising like the other kids but because everyone thought i was just shy and that i would grow out of it and i managed to go unnoticed until i moved primary schools. my social difficulties were talked about at pt interviews. i didn't really care that i was alone. i liked it. what i didn't like was people thinking it was a problem and making a big deal about it or making fun of me for it or being pity play mates at lunch(i aways humoured them) when all i really wanted was to read alone on the playground. being with people made me feel bad and being appart from them only made me feel bad because i got teased by my class mates and parents. then in year 8 my parents dragged me to a shrink and i got diagnosed. they wanted/want to fix me and i don't understand why.

That seems a lot like me. I don't see anything wrong with being asocial besides the fact that everyone gives me flak for it. Everyone makes a big deal out of it but it really isn't.

Well I wasn't going to write on this post...but I decided to.

I thought I was possibly insane, misfit, inept, stupid, ummm...just messed up in the head.

I did found out about autism and not aspergers when I made a myspace. I emailed a lady who had a son with autism (assumedly on the lower end) because a lot of the things sounded so familiar to me. But she said normal people can't have autism, and that autism is a debilitating disorder and the I was basically stupid for thinking I could have autism. So I thought she was right for quite awhile until I found out about aspergers around a year ago. I started researching it and I began to understand there is degrees on the spectrum, and that no one on the spectrum is going to be the same. I have found I lie somewhere on the spectrum and though my psychologist has agreed that I am likely on the spectrum. I don't want a label as such, unless I go on disability but I am trying to just live my life and do what I can to better myself regardless of said disorders. So that is not saying I do have it, and not saying I don't- just recognizing that I think differently and I have come to grips with it and am trying to move on with my life which after all is not going to stop regardless of anyone’s condition.

When I was around 10-14 years old, my mother kept bringing up a friend's son who was schizophrenic. If I was watching TV she'd say "He watched a lot of TV and then started thinking his life was a movie". I became obsessed with schizophrenia. I borrowed books from the library and read all articles I came across. I still remember the subtypes: paranoid, hebephrenic, catatonic. I thought it explained why I was so weird. I did wonder why I didn't fit the descriptions, but I figured it was going to get worse. I was convinced I would be institutionalized for good when I grew up. It was the same kind of obsession I had with childhood cancer at the age of 7, only I didn't think I had cancer.

It faded away at 14-16. But then I started having problems at school (which turned out to be due to hypothyroidism), I ended up at the mental health clinic. Some years later I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. I read a lot about it and thought that some things described me. I even tried to be more "schizotypal". But at some point I realized it wasn't me. A year or two from that I heard about AS.

Well, hate to burst your bubble, but I do my best to be optimistic and be humorous and I still have troubles with socialization. In my own personal experience, having an "attitude adjustment" didn't really help that much.

I imagine that there's just something about my body language, tone of voice, or mannerisms that sets people off. Whatever the case, I feel like they can see me coming from a mile away and they just "know" that I'm different.

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As for the topic, I used to think it was many things that I was doing wrong. At one point I thought I didn't have friends because I wasn't 'cool' enough and didn't change my outfits everyday. For a time I thought maybe I wasn't pretty enough, or perhaps too pretty. Or perhaps that there was something about the way I spoke that set people off. Etc, etc.

When I realized that I actually do enjoy alone time, I used to call myself antisocial (as someone mentioned earlier, it's more asocial though) and thought there was something wrong with me.

I blamed my obsessions at one point too, saying that if only I had more normal interests, people would like me better. I blamed my internet use. I blamed my being an only child. I blamed being too sheltered.

But what it all came down to is that I didn't understand why I was pushing people away.

Learning about AS has really helped me put some of these negative feelings behind me. It's still frustrating, but at least I have a viable explanation for my difficulties.

I had that same observation, too. However, I think it might be due to "practice" as it takes time for fundamental attitude adjustments to take hold -- that is, the more you practice, the more "authentic" those attitudes are. However, normal people seem to have no problem in convincingly "faking it"(Including their attitude), and there are many people with 'friends they naturally connect with' all along the "attitude" distribution curve.




I'm suspecting that might actually be the case. Then again, not fitting into the "speech norms" fits rather well with the AS criteria.



I'm still blaming my internet/computer use! I figure the computer programming obsession that started at age 13 just set the stage for atrophying whatever existing social skills and the development of the internet and my subsequent addiction to it arrested the development of any future social skills. But then again, I know a few other computer addicts in my computer science department that don't have similar "connecting to others" problems -- Of course, asking them of their activity patterns leads to the admission they linger on IRC chat channels and chat it away at home. The closest "social skills development" activity for me is forum posting and I don't think that counts, lol.

Interesting. My current obsession that's been standing for 2 years or so has been schizphrenia, and I figure I'm probably still in the midst of becoming schizophrenic and I just don't know it. I do, however, have a lot of evidence suggesting schizophrenia is not that..OMG A GIANT WEREWOLF BUNNY!! !... likely.

To clarify, this more accurately describes my thoughts on the origin of my depression and anxiety. On my social issues, I simply thought I was a worthless piece of crap that no one would want to know.

Well, the attitude change is something that I was very mindful about for at least a year or two. I would intentionally avoid saying anything possibly "negative" and I tried my best to just "be happy". If I was sad, I would listen to happy music and I'd try not to let my mood fall too far. I would also practice laughing or smiling in the mirror. It wasn't just a one-day thing... (actually, sounds rather like an obsession now that I think about it)

Admittedly I was probably going about it the wrong way. You can't "force" a feeling. All I knew is that I wasn't very happy at the time and I wanted to improve. So I did so in the only way I knew how.

Trying to be happy, cheery person all the time was unrealistic and took more energy than I'd like to admit. I did learn something from the experience, though. Nowadays, I've learned to be more accepting of my bad days as well as my good days. I do try to look on the bright side when it is possible and I do try to maintain a positive outlook. Life is never as bad as it seems. Problems that seem impossible today can sometimes become easy the next day. I think the key is just keeping it all in perspective.

*probably not making any sense*

Agree, pretending to be at another level of 'cheeriness' than ones 'natural cheeriness' level takes quite a bit of energy and, personally, whatever changes there are in the outcome doesn't really justify the extra energy expended. It also helped finding out, for me, that happiness is roughly 50% genetic and so the difference in average happiness level between my sister and I is likely genetic, as can be inferred from childhood photos, so I'm not going to blame myself for any downswings in happiness. I'm not really that 'naturally' depressed, though, it just seems my sister has a positive social feedback loop in her life that helps her maintain an ongoing "pretty high" happiness level. (And other socialites)



Oh yes, I definitely agree there -- keeping a perspective really helps. When outcomes that continuously take a turn for the worse that can usually be attributed to social dynamics rather than ability, though, I get a bit discouraged. When "other people" aren't involved, I can accomplish just about anything I set my mind to, but as soon as I start to depend on other people, it seems things inexplicably turn for the worse(i.e., team-mates stabbing me in the back; critically important people become visibly uncomfortable and it's pretty obvious that negative changes in certain conditions/outcomes are probably attributable to this as every other objective goal was achieved in a quick and efficient manner; etc.) and I'm on the continuing search for the answer to the question "Why?". Is it really due to happiness? I "feel on the inside" quite a cheery person in real life social situations, so I'm thinking it's probably due to something else -- some element that's involved in the communication process. The words I choose? The sentences I form? The ideas I think up (Not humorous enough, maybe? Maybe the ideas aren't "logically connected" enough or perhaps too tangential?)? My facial expressions and tone of voice? My insensitivity to nonverbal cues? My slowness in processing and reacting to social information? I don't know, and it seems that "AS" seems like it could be the most explanatory factor. It might not be, though.

Most of the time the psychotic phase of schizophrenia begins in late teens or early twenties. I'll be 30 soon I have only improved since childhood, so it's highly unlikely that I will ever get it.

How much do you remember about your childhood? Parents can often provide answers if they're alive and cooperative. My mom doesn't have the insight to reliably recall what I was like, and I have qualitatively poor relationship with my stepfather. Mom has mentioned that I was sensitive to loud noises and took things literally, but some (contradictory) statements led the psychiatrist to believe that I had changed in my late teens. The SCID-II interviewers wrote "We suspect Asperger's Syndrome that went unnoticed by the mother because of an alcoholic and abusive husband, divorce and disabled child". Mom has also said that "When it's your first child, you think everything's normal, but when you watch the others grow up, you no longer think so". I'm oldest of four. Sometimes it takes a little decoding

In the post in which you were keeping that possibly open you described my problem with verbal memory very well, so I think I owe you a thank.
It's interesting that my scores on AS tests are not very high, but mostly over the threshold, while I do experience about average problems all in all. Less sensory, more socialization/communication.

Oh god...all the time. Most of my hypothesizing during my life was in the form of questions like

"what is wrong with me?"
"why do people hate me?"
"why do bullies always want to pick on ME?"
"why do people always get mad at me when I try to help them."
"why can't I make friends?"

and on and on.

Finding out that I'm on the spectrum has made a huge difference for me. Instead of viewing myself as someone who just had too many weird issues for people to like I know that I'm just different, that its not going to change and that its not a bad thing. I still have issues with people but now I know that its not actually my fault. That makes it easier to learn coping skills or to be patient and not start arguing when I know that people are misunderstanding me.


Of course, its an effort and not always successful. But its better than the way things used to be.

It brings up thoughts. I also never felt that I was something very different to others. I tried to understand my otherness by everyday reasoning. In fact, the word 'bullying' meant nothing to me until February, there is no word for it in my language. I was often conflicted, mocked at, left out socially, I accepted that I was shy, but all of it never formed an entity to me (good word). I only thought I'm behind with understanding and using social skills, and practically there is mundane reason for all the problems I had, stretching from faults of myself to faults of others. (periodically at different margin)

I think I was not so conscious to come up with an idea of 'living on the wrong planet', though I liked to daydream over many-many things.

(sorry I also left out graphs)

I don´t think it explains it. I, personally, was on the wrong track with this "negative" thing. People told me for many years that I was negative too. Now that I look back on it- and now that I know about AS- a lot of it makes sense in retrospect! If I was in a situation that was difficult on my senses- let´s say, a crowded bus where people kept jostling me- if I reacted, or was surly, or went into pre-meltdown mode, people I knew around me would say "calm down, we´re all going through this too you know". After years of this, I assumed everyone suffered through sensory problems the way I did, I just thought they were better able to handle themselves! I assumed I must be too weak, over-picky and negative, because people treated me as if this were the case. Now, through reading about AS, I realize I must be going through more hardship and anxiety than the average person....no wonder these people are in a better mood, I would be too....

Another example, which is actually quite embarrassing But for years, when people asked me "how are you?"- I would give them a general run-down on my current state. Often, this would entail some kind of negativity, as whatever problem was uppermost in my mind would just come out as an answer to this question. It takes me quite awhile to observe what others do, so it wasn´t until about a few years ago that I began to realize that when most people were asked the question "how are you?", they would smile broadly and answer "fine!" I started to wonder why everyone else seemed "fine" most of the time, when I hardly ever felt really fine....so I deduced that I must be too negative; and around the same time I was also reading about the Law of Attraction, which claims your life won´t really work for you if you´re not "vibrating correctly" and being positive.....so, I figured that must be it.....

When I learned about AS, I learned- only about 2 years ago, here on Wrong Planet- that when people ask "how are you?" you´re *supposed* to answer "fine"....it´s just a social nicety! So I learned a little late what´s really going on Maybe I have AS or something

In any case, now I don´t think I´m too negative anymore. I´m doing the best that I can anyway.

Lucky you! I still have another year or two to ago before I pass the magical age threshold for males where I no longer have any reason to be concerned about developing it.




I asked her about the "essential things", like facial expressions and expressivity, and she described it as "conservative"(Not "unusual" even though my cousin plainly admitted that I had very unusual facial expressions.) but not expressionless or something like that that I'm inferring is the probable norm for aspergers. There's also variation in my tone of voice as far as she could detect although it's not as varied as more emotive speakers. I asked her about literal interpretations, and she said "yes, but those kind of literal moments are normal because I make those literal interpretations as well". The only "odd thing" about my development seemed to be odd speech development, and the characteristics are suggestive of a language delay although I'm suspecting an expressive language disorder (Where the language usage is 'abnormal' instead of merely delayed in development.) since the impacts on my social functioning appear on going (Almost nobody on a teenage social networking site (I used it earlier in my life) tagged me saying "You're a funny person!" or "You sound so cool!" or "Hello!" or greeted me or anything, unlike just about everyone else, suggesting there was something about my wording/thinking that was universally "socially un-kosher"), Does my writing seem "odd"?

Also, ever since writing about this topic, I feel like I'm "almost" hearing something that's not intelligible but almost seems like it could burst out any moment and start repeating my name. I think that might just be my overactive imagination, though, and not really a pre-hallucinatory foreboding. Also, I seem like I might have verbal memory deficits that puts me in the same "IQ / verbal memory discrepency" percentile where schizophrenics are, and verbal memory deficits seem to be fundamental to schizophrenia. I'm seeking memory testing to ascertain that suspicion.

Last edited by swbluto on 24 Apr 2011, 2:13 am, edited 2 times in total.