Getting "projected threats" from people - how does

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Hi,

I'm wondering if other Aspies like myself have dealt with this one a few times...getting what I call "projected threats" from people. What I mean by that is, when somebody tells you "If you don't (do X) (stop doing X), then people are going to react in manner Y." I also call them "detached threats". What it means is that the threat doesn't come from the person making it, they're basically making it on behalf of a group of people in the hopes of a) warning you out of concern for you and/or b) modifying your behaviour to better suit their needs.

I personally have found projected threats to be insulting, as they insinuate that we have more control and awareness over the behaviour than we actually do. It's a veneered way of saying "you can do X if you really want to" but using fear as the motivator. It's not the fear that gets to me, 99% of the time I'm aware that if I don't do X or do X then people will have Y reaction, it just sounds patronizing to me. I received a detached threat from my stepmom at 13 when I was with her at the mall, and when it came time to go, I got into the back seat of the car when the unwritten rule was that at 13, I should be sitting up front in the passenger seat. She told me that if I continue that behaviour into my teens, the other teens will take me aside and beat the heck out of me.

In my 20s I've also received projected threats from people who said that if I say X then people will think I'm weird and will ignore me (which turned out to be true in some cases...) and a roommate said that if I always get visibly upset the way I do (he was randomly moving my stuff around to piss me off) then I'll get fired from work. Even recently, I've gotten some projected threats where if I use too high calibre of words (my Aspie hyperlexia ) then people will think that I'm being patronizing to them. Most of this stuff I realize, but it's just how I come out &come off, unless I mentally exhaust myself putting on a different mask every waking moment. I suppose it's like the rare person who tells somebody they have bad breath, the recipient of that comment is offended but at least they know why they might be turning other people off.

Yeah, I've heard this in a variety of contexts, not just related to AS (or things that have to do with AS). I find it pretty patronizing most of the time.

I have mixed feelings about that sort of thing. I have actually gotten good advice that way. On the other hand, it can be a way of criticizing while trying to appear neutral. I guess that it really depends on whether the speaker really does have your best interests in mind or is just being passive aggressive.

I always reply with "at least they won't be as patronizing as you", and that usually shuts them up. For a while, at least.

I refuse for example to fill in a census because it says I will be fined £1000 if I don't and I am not anyone's property to order around and threaten.

Have you ever considered that they might actually be trying to help you? Of course, threatening someone is a bad motivator, but you would probably feel just as patronized if you were told straight: "Don't sit in the back of the car, you're old enough to sit in the front now."

We shouldn't over generalize this. Some people are definitely being condescending or even doing this as a form of bullying. Others have more sincere motives. I suppose this is part of the problem with being autistic - it's not easy to tell one from the other.

I have never gotten a projected threat based on my Aspie behavior. Women in particular seem to just avoid, fear, or attack me without giving me any indication of what, if anything I did wrong. I sometimes fear that a NT woman might take out a gun and shoot me for saying hi or even looking in her direction.