Approaching a meltdown, but no one believes me.

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I'm Mark. I have a obsessive damaging thoughts, but clearly nothing that'd make me act out of character, because I know the difference. I've had bad stomach anxiety in the form of cramps for years, triggered by thought patterns clearly, in similar mechanics to obsessive-compulsive disorder did I have difficulty maintaining this anxiety. Now it has run full rampant and I can only control it sometimes, only when my mind is really strong and really knows the difference.

The problem, is that I need help, but no one is giving me it. No one is giving me the shred of decency towards my emotions. People take it all lightly, but I swear, that I probably will end up killing myself in the years to come - it's the only escape that I see from all of this. However my mind has decided to project the world on a cold set of bricks.

I feel hypochondriac. I know I have ADHD+Aspergers, but like, what I feel the most strongly sounds like Bi-polar. Is it possible to have all 3? I know I don't have depression. It adds up, as antidepressants had the effect that was explained if someone with Bi-polar takes the medication. I tried two different types, multiple dosages, and almost got stuck with akathisia.

This Bi-polar is killing me slowly. I let myself get fired this past week because I didn't care anymore. They're letting me work days still (used to do nights), but I don't even know if I want to now. I need a job though, but I'm so depressed that I can't see myself working at all.

A breakdown is impending. It feels massive. I just can't see any intervening light or solutions. I would never leave my siblings with suicide. I could not do that. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I need to do something. I'm going crazy.

I have to meet my manager today, at a grocery store, to sit down and talk, even though I still have one night left tomorrow/tonight at 12am. I have to sleep, as I have none. She wants to talk in the store, like we work at a law firm or something, when we talked a lot on the phone already. I see no point in this, and I'm not happy enough to even get out of bed, so I won't be doing this. The amount of anxiety that I get from it, for no reason, is incapacitating. The amount of worrying I do each and every day, over a shift, having to work, is life ruining. It has no apparent reason. Yes, I dislike work as much as the next, and yes, I don't have my dream job, but I feel like there's something to be afraid of. That unknown, is enough to crush my limbs.

How can I make my family and others believe that I need help, and the last thing that I need right now is work? Even a two month break. I need to organize my mind, or I swear, I don't want to live. I'm breaking down slowly, and everyone around me is urging, no, you're fine, while it's killing me so softly.

How did you get over the social ques and interacting with customers? I find some seem to say nothing to me at all like they dislike me, or the rest are chatty or doing their own thing on the phone, in their wallet or with friends. I find that I strike up conversations with some, but for the most part, there's way too many bitter older people. Which is what I fear the most out of day shift. It's not the old people themselves, I often just stare these people down and attempt to make them feel stupid for how they're acting. It's just the stress overall of these situations day in and day out and the toll it's taking on me.

I had asked to be put on only 2 or 3 shifts a week which is 2 less than my night schedule, and no doubt the hours will be shorter at times. This feels lighter to me, but the anxiety of doing day shifts, after being on a night schedule for like 2 years, is really scary. I barely experience anything in the day, so the fear of this and so many other added stresses is what is really setting off these bi-polar episodes I believe. It's wearing me down so quick and I need a break to collect my thoughts. They're really racing and I have no ability to organize or anything now, let alone sit back for 5 minutes in a comfortable silence with anxiety.

I've tried to find a few supportive people at work. It's weird that I tried. I figured that by talking to people, and by eventually bringing up my problems (I didn't care when I did, I felt comfortable enough to), that my co-workers, some guy in grocery, and the other cashier I worked with one nights, they were distant and sort of awkward with anything I'd say, or just dismiss that I have a problem at all because I looked okay.

Hi Mark, I think I understand where you are coming from, for the past 46 years I have experienced a build up of 'being out of control' then something major has happened, as a youth it was usually a fist fight, as an adult it normally culminated in my sacking (I am now self employed) or the break up of a relationship. I have been leading up to a major meltdown and thankfully as I am self employed I have just eased off on work, been a little unreliable, and taken time out. The swirl is starting to calm and I now see clearly the steps I need to take to re-order my life. I don't know what to suggest, but I am now in a relationship with someone who I am completely honest with and telling how I am feeling is making a very considerable difference.

Can you afford to see a psychologist? If so could this person intervene? I am not sure from your post if you are single, if you are, work, save, and then get out and have a break, for a few months, go somewhere cheap Asia, South America, take it easy.Good luck!

One thing is for sure, I long for the day when the brains influence on our behavior and day to day living is far better understood and widely accepted

`Yes. Definitely please see a psychologist if you can and any medical professional if you can't ASAP.

Your problems sound a lot like mine except I have not had to deal with working at the same time as having these issues.

Your health is more important than your job.

It really sounds to me like your current job may not suit you. It sounds like your job requires you to deal with a lot of other people -- most of them strangers. That seems to me like the kind of job that would be very difficult and stressful for many people with Aspergers.

Is there a good career counseling service where you live? For a fairly reasonable fee, some will do a detailed personality profile of you and provide a list of career paths that would likely be good for you. (I had this done for me recently and it was AMAZINGLY accurate.)

Also, as others have suggested, I would recommend seeing a psychologist and/or medical doctor if at all possible. You shouldn't have to face a difficult period like this alone.

Finally, no matter how bad you feel now, PLEASE do not give up on your life. I've been through periods like you describe -- where it seems like everything is hopeless. It's very hard to see this when things seem really bad for you, and it may take time, but things will get better.

Sorry for my late response; I've been at work all day.

Hi, thanks for your reply.

I have to say that I'm in the process of avoiding a panic attack as we speak. I woke up earlier with intense feelings of fear, anxiety and stomach pain. Things like this terrify me. How the mind can hold such foreign thoughts and make me feel this way just after sleeping.

I haven't been to work in a week. Every time I take a break 3 days or longer, I come back feeling like everyone's attention is focused on me and I feel uncomfortable, like even customers will know I was gone. This unknown has much anxiety. I realize how there's nothing I can do about most of my anxiety, yet it is still present, regardless of any will power to say no to my feelings and worries.

Perhaps I have post-tramautic symptoms in ways. It seems that way since my breakup/firing and with what I'm doing to myself.

I can empathize with you. I used to work the day shift as a cashier at Wal-Mart, and it was hell. I ended up switching as soon as I could to overnights, where I work as a stocker now. It works much better for me. Get a different job if at all possible.

I've been diagnosed with Asperger's and I've had meltdowns from time to time all my life. It just seems like stress builds up and makes me go crazy for a little while and I get really depressed. I eventually get over it.

Get some help from a doctor, if you can. And just try to keep surviving, make things as easy as possible for yourself and wait for your depression to pass. That's what I do. Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.