Brother with Autism

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I can't stand my brother anymore. He is 18 years old, with autism. He has not been diagnosed, but I think he has OCD as well. He is interested in washing clothes and dishes, and repeatedly washes his hands. He showers 3-4 times a day, each shower taking an hour or longer. He always has to do things a certain way, and gets really angry when my parents don't allow him to. When he gets mad, he likes to repeatedly punch his fists against each other, and the sound makes me wanna scream!

I cannot take it anymore. He yells at me everyday and restricts me from doing certain things. He is very selfish as well. He acts nice to me when we're in front of our relatives, so my relatives don't believe me when I tell them the things he does to me. My relatives all like him, because they think he is "innocent" and sweet. Ever since we were little, he would hit me, and then tell my mom that I hit him, so my mom would yell at me. In the morning, when he's awake and I'm not, he will throw a wet washcloth on my face, jump on my bed, and kick me in the stomach. When I go tell my parents, he says "I was just trying to wake her up, but then she slapped me." My parents will believe him again. He also likes to take money from my parents. He steals my money sometimes. Sometimes he sends silent calls to someone using my phone, and when I tell my parents, they don't do anything.

When he sees my parents yelling at me, he will laugh behind my parents' back, and then bring up old things so they can yell at me some more. My mom likes him for that. But when I see my parents yelling at him, I try to help. I could "get him back", but I'm not that kind of person. I don't betray my morals.

I feel so embarrassed by him in school. I was always at the top of the class, the perfect student, and he was the one with the lowest rankings, the one who doesn't care, the trouble maker. When people find out that we're siblings, they are shocked. I try to avoid talking about him, because I feel ashamed to have such a brother.

He is not on any kind of medication. My family doesn't believe he needs any kind of medication, because he "seems like a normal person". I heard my mom talking on the phone with my aunt, and she said that she has given up on him, and that as long as he doesn't become a bad person, it's fine. My dad doesn't seem to care much, either. So they're relying on me to take care of the whole family? My family is poor, and they haven't saved up any money for me to go to college. What am I going to do with my life?

Imagine living a life like that for 15 years. I honestly don't know what to do. I've thought about suicide before, but I don't wanna give up just yet. I've come so far. Somebody tell me what to do.

This isn't autistic behavior, autism doesn't explain it, nor does OCD

I think he's just a prat.

He just sounds like an a**hole to me... (No offense)

He seems more like a jerk to me, than someone on the spectrum.

I didn't see any evidence pointing to autism... maybe you should review his symptoms again and make sure he actually has it? It sounds more like Antisocial Personality Disorder to me, but keep in mind that you don't need a diagnosis to be a jerk. Some people are just like that for some unexplained reason.

When he was a child he was diagnosed as autistic. He's always been a slow learner and a bit introverted. Maybe my parents let autism be an excuse, so his a**hole behavior got worse?

He could have ODD or conduct disorder. It is pretty much anti-social personality disorder. I think he needs therapy.
Medication might even help to set him right. I know my ADHD meds make me more cooperative.

How old are you? You should just a get a job and get of of that house.

I'm 15. I wanna leave as soon as possible.

Yeah, he sounds like a total jerk. Some people are jerks. Some people are autistic. Sometimes those two categories overlap, and this looks like one of those cases.

He's eighteen, though. If somebody acts like that and they're already eighteen, they're spoiled and there's not much that'll change that unless they take a good hard look at their own lives and realize they need to change. Right now, seems like your parents are letting him do whatever he pleases, and that's not going to force him to do a thing to change.

If you're lucky, he'll move out. If not, just stick it out until you're old enough to leave yourself. Not much else you can do. When you're sixteen, you can start working; that'll help you get out of the house a bit more, and help you save up for college. Lots of colleges are cheap enough for you to get through, and you say your grades are good--go for the scholarships. Of course, if you are established as a regular worker somewhere, then you might be able to even keep that job through college (presuming it's local), working part-time to supplement your income, or working full-time and studying part-time. Lots of people work their way through college and it's perfectly feasible. You will even be more eligible for many government grants because you are low-income--the government tends to look at your parents' income and go, "Yeah, they can't support a college student," and give you grants to get through school. There's the option of an associate's degree or certificate program, both of which take less time and are cheaper. And check out community colleges. You can go there for your general education classes--it costs less at a community college--and then get to a regular four-year college for the rest of your degree. Saves money that way.

If your brother is being physically abusive, hitting you, etc., you can always call a hotline and explain what's happening. Domestic abuse can be perpetrated by anybody, including older brothers, including autistic older brothers.

This "autistic people are sweet and innocent and incapable of wrongdoing" irks me just as much as any kind of "autistics are evil incarnate" slander. It's like saying we're incapable of understanding right and wrong, incapable of deciding to do things. It's talking like we're ineffectual children who will never grow up. And we're not. Even the most severely autistic adult is an adult. People with developmental delay get the exact same crap, and it's no more true about them either. I swear, if I get one more cute-innocent-angel comment from anybody, ever, I'm gonna let them have a piece of my mind. And since I'm autistic, that'll probably mean a half-hour lecture on psychology, ethics, morality, and the folly of believing in stereotypes. Delivered straight to the face at point-blank range. That'll show 'em.

Malicious behaviour (the lying and bullying) like that doesn't sound much like autism. Sounds a little sociopathic with OCD. Maybe he does have autism, but it does not sound like the only problem.

Seems like a bad situation for you You could tape your brother doing that stuff to you maybe, but I get the feeling your parents would write it off as normal sibling arguments or even scold you for taping him secretly. Can you try talking to the school councillor? Tell them your brother has bad anti-social behaviour. Explain the bullying, don't go into too much detail about specific things, rather explain how he repeatedly bullies you and then lies about it to your parents. The issue here is the lying, that is very bad anti-social behaviour. Then also say that you think he needs some help for that, because you are also not coping at home. I don't know, it is an idea.

Hope you do get some help with him