19 May 2011, 8:20 am
Twirlip wrote:
wonderboy wrote:
Ramble all you want. No one has talk to me in this depth for a very long time.
The most overwhelming thing I remember from when I was about your age was how utterly fascinated I was with the intoxicating possibility of actually really talking to people about things that really mattered.
OK, that dream fell apart in tatters, but it needn't have.
wonderboy wrote:
At the moment how is life?
Oh dear, oh dear, very bad, I'm afraid! Suicide is on my mind a lot (but I'm not making actual plans). I have a daughter, also aged 19, and her hatred of me and contempt for me, in spite of all that we have in common, seems implacable. This has brought home to me, with renewed force, how people have hated me from the moment I was born. That is not a depressive illusion, and I do know when people are being nice to me, and when they see good in me. But the hatred is also real. The real illusion is the denial of the reality of the hatred, and the dogma that it is just some faulty chemistry in my brain, or some misperception or misunderstanding on my part. I have to reckon with the lifelong, persistent, and almost universal hatred, and it's not at all clear how to do that.
But I mustn't try to delve too deeply into that, partly because it's off-topic for the thread (I'm a terrible derailer of perfectly healthy and useful threads!), and partly because it's still fresh in my mind, and writing about it can be a way of trying to escape from it, in search of some facile and temporary reassurance.
You did ask!
I don't regret asking. Everyone needs to blow steam off time to time. Have you ever tried meditation to shift through your thoughts?
19 May 2011, 8:40 am
19 May 2011, 9:18 am
