What is the wrong with this person? Anyone can help please??

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This is a bit long story but I am so desperate...I don't know what to do.....I am feeling depressed.
I met this guy online oner year ago (I am European and he is Australian). We were talking on Skype every second day for 4 months and we both were looking for the same: a serious relationship that could end up in marriage and children. He is 47 and I am 39. None of us had been married before.

After talking for 4 months he came over to Europe to meet me and we spent 3 weeks. Everything went fine apart from the strange fact that we never had any physical contact, sex during those 3 weeks. After another 2 months I went to Australia to live with him as we both agreed.

When I arrived in Australia he did not treat me as a partner at all. He did very strange things, such as sitting by himself on the couch separate from me. I would ask him if he could sit down next to me and he used to say: "I have been living by myself for 10 years and this is what I am used to doing". Many times he said no. When trying to kiss him he would tell me I was very demanding and I had high expectations, we would always go with friends but rarely by ourselves. In social events he would disappear and leave me alone considering I was new in the country and I didn't know anyone. We didn't have sex whether on the 3 weeks he visited me first and it took about 5 weeks till we had the first sexual interaction. Sex used to be so infrequent and I was always demanding it. I found really strange that he didn't have sex with me but masturbated in front of me from the very beginning. I found that so hurtful. He used to say that he was used to living by himself and he was not used to having someone with him. He used to say that he needed his privacy and space. While eating he wouldn't even have a conversation with me and many times he would finish eating and leave the table while I hadn't even finished.

Everything came to him being used to being by himself. Everytime I tried to talk about the issues he would become very defensive and end up accussing me of being demanding.

I had to organise a visa to stay in Australia after my first tourist visa expired. He never helped me with anything. I was trying to do a course and I had to look for the courses, apply for the visa, and do everything myself. Every time I talked to him he would get angry and aggressive. I needed to change the date on my air ticket and when I asked him which date to choose he would get angry and ignore me.

I was so tempted to leave so many times and I packed my clothes in the suitcase. My clothes were packed for 2 months out of the 4 and 1/2 that I spent there. Not once did he ask me to unpack and stay. Many times when I told him that I was leaving he would ask me to please not go and 3 days later he would tell me: "I think it is better you go". I kept changing my air ticket date because one day he asked me to stay and another to go.

At 48 years of age he used to call his mother to tell her everything and ask for advice and in fact he brought his mother to the flat so often to deal with things. His mother and I would talk and he would go away.

I know he is taking anti depressants and I think he has suffered from depression for years. I also noticed from the very beginning when I met him that he takes Paracetamol every single day (at least 4 tablets a day).

He hit me in a couple of ocassions and at the end he said that he would travel with me to my country which he did. The reason he gave is that if I left by myself the relationship would be over whereas if he came with me the doors were open. Stupid me I believed him. He came to Europe for 3 weeks and for the 3 weeks I kept asking what was going to happen. He always said he didn't know and never gave me answers. The last day came before he left and he told me he loved me and that we would be together again and that he could see a future for us together. He also said that we would be in touch. He returned to his country and just after arriving he said he is very confused and he is not clear.

While communicating, he hung up the phone on me, he would say he would send me emails or sms but he didn't. I was being driven crazy. He would say: "I will send you an email tomorrow" and then nothing. We would be talking on the phone and he said he would be back in 5 minutes and he didn't and I contacted him so many times desperately looking for an explanation or answer. Bottom line: we haven't communicated for 1 month now. I don't really know if it is finished, he hasn't even said it is over or good bye, nothing.
Anyone can help? with any advice?

I have been researching and think he might have a personality disorder or something but I don't know.

Thanks

Sounds a bit like Schizoid Personality Disorder to me. Here's the diagnostic criteria:

1.neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
2.almost always chooses solitary activities
3.has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
4.takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
5.lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
6.appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
7.shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affect

Sounds like a lot of those thngs apply to him.

Whatever's wrong with him, he's treated you appallingly and you deserve better. My advice is to reserve your energy for someone who will truly love and appreciate you and forget about this guy since he may well be incapable of ever truly caring about you or anyone else.

After seeing all his behaviour with me (I am so badly affected by it) I started to research. I bought books about personality disorders, about controlling men, about men who cannot commit, etc.....

I thought he could be schizoid but yesterday someone gave me the description of Aspergers and he matches with that so I dont know. I don't even know if he is just evil or he has a mental problem.....my self esteem is gone, I was so humiliated by the comments he made to me and his actions.

Why did he ask me to move to the other side of the world if he didn't want me?

He's certainly odd. With people on the spectrum, especially the undiagnosed ones, you can get some very strange adaptations to the ongoing problem of life not making sense. And violence in close personal relationships is never OK.

At a guess, I'd suggest that he's concerned about his failure to respond appropriately to you, and caught between wanting to avoid further exposure to threatening situations and wanting what his psychopathology makes impossible for him.

There's plenty more fish in the pool...

I don't think his oddities have anything particularly to do with his being Australian, in case that was a concern.

He could also have Asperger's, it's difficult to tell, and there is a lot of comorbidity between that and other mental health conditions, but the most striking thing to me about what you wrote was his lack of interest in sex which seems to be a key factor in Schizoid PD. I have known a few people with Asperger's and they were all pretty highly sexed!

As for why he asked you to move when he didn't want to be with you, who knows. I don't know how to answer that. Maybe he felt like he 'ought' to have a relationship or something even though realistically he didn't want one. It's understandable how much this is affecting you though. Have you considered havng counselling to help you deal with it?

I am really depressed. I have had other relationships before, the last two bad ones, but no one had ever treated me like this. We haven't communicated in 1 month and he left 2 and 1/2 months ago. He came with me back to Europe for 3 weeks because according to him if I left by myself the relationship was over whereas if he came with me the doors were open. To me nothing made sense but I let him come with me. When he left he said he loved me and that we would be together again and would buy a house, etc.....then he returned to his country and after 2 days he writes an email saying that not trusting his own instints he consulted with family members (the mother) and that he realised the difficulties we had (ha ha...."we"). Then we would be talking on the phone and he would hang up on me or tell me that he had to answer his mobile and would be back in 5 minutes and never came back. He told me he woudl send sms or emails but he didn't. I kept calling him desperatly looking fro an answer and he kept ignoring me.

His last email a month ago read as follows:


"I do want to say that I never had any intention to hurt you or anything like that.
This has been a very sad episode for me as well. I can not help it if we had different expectations of each other..because we are two different individuals with different backgrounds.
Unfortunately ,I was not used to having another person sharing a life in my flat,and you were far away from your family & support network here in sydney,which made you feel vulnerable.
I do feel very bad that you are suffering."

Since then I haven't heard from him and I stopped contacting him as I cannot even get an answer.

He was also on antidepressants. I have heard him saying that he has suffered from depression for years. Apparently he takes the antidepressants only when he feels low. He is a GP (doctor) himself. A friend of his prescribes the antidepressants. He takes them on and off so withdraws from them suddenly. He also has some alcohol, minimum 2 beers per day. But the most weird thing is that he takes Paracetamol (Tylenol) on a daily basis from 4 to 6 tablets a day. I have seen him taking them fro 6 months every day. He never said what for or he never mentioned he had a headache or any other type of pain. At the beginning I was embarrased to ask considering he is a doctor. What was I going to say?? that it is not good taking paracetamol?? he said it was for jet lag and viruses but for the next 5 months he kept taking them......

At 48 he has never lived with a woman. Only myself and another girl from India. both of us for 3 months. The other girl returned to her country as she could not stay in Aus and then he kept in contact with her fro 1 year keeping her in limbo. She wanted marriage as they had met on a matrimonial site. He said there were problems they had to sort out and she was in a mental place fro a few months. I think she had some sort of problem but I have the feeling that him keeping her in limbo triggered it and she ended up in a mental place. At the end she finished it because she said he wasn't serious about her.

He seemed to be obsessed with that girl. That had been 2 years ago and 2 days after I arrived in Aus he told me that he should have tried the relationship wiht her harder. He also said that she paid a high price and that now they could be married. He was telling me this when I had left my life behind to go to him

See my post on the Love and Dating thread. Good luck whatever you decide to do about it. Re. your question about why he moved you to the other side of the world - that's the way abusive relationships work. The abuser gradually cuts the victim off from all their friends so they have no support network and their self-worth becomes entirely dependent on the approval of the abuser. It's control freakery.

This is over the line. Actually a lot of his behaviour is over the line. It does not matter how much money, time and emotion you have invested so far, it is not being returned. A man who hits you will not change.

He was agressive. It wasn't hit as such or badly hit. He left my arm with bruises and talked or acted in an agressive way. I asked him one time if we could cuddle and he would jump out of bed as if he was going to hit me. He didn't as such but he scared me. ANother time he left my arm full of bruises because he grabbed it. He was agressive. He did say that he coudl smash my bones and body. And he said "sorry" but I told him: waht will you do if you kill me? say sorry? and he said: "yes, i could kill you"

I do not think that things will work out between bluedophin and the man she meet, regardless of his state of mind or AS / NT status I do not think from reading bluedophin's posts that this relationship looks like it could turn into a healthy relationship. I do not like being the dark cloud of doom or the prophet of doom but I think that she would be better off not with this man.

I have been blessed by the fact that I have been in a relationship with a woman (She also has AS) for almost ten years. Sometimes things have gone wrong between us but neither of us have ever hit the other one, the key to a good relationship is for both people to make a daily effort to get on well with each other and try to be forgiving of each other's weaknesses and faults....... But things like violence in a relationship must not be tolerated by either party.

If one party is violent to the other, sneaking off to have sex with the person from down the road, spends every waking moment intoxicated, or does spiteful things like sticking the other person's cat/dog/etc on a space rocket to mars or starts to steal/destroy the property of the other then the relationship has gone very badly wrong. Maybe the experts at Relate (Used to be the UK marriage counselling organisation) might think that they can fix the relationship but I have grave doubts if a relationship which has gone that badly wrong can be fixed.

But this aggression and the sexual selfishness that you describe is just the start. It will not get better from this point on, it will only get worse.

Whatever your investment in this relationship, you are better off ditching it. You deserve better. It is not your job to diagnose or provide therapy for someone who does not return your affection. I am sure that he must have fine qualities, which attracted you to him and convinced you to travel so far, but I can not see the qualities from what you describe.

he sounds like a jackass.

he has done you a favour by stopping contact because you are better off without.

I would suggest that if you are posting here, you have already seen enough and already know what the correct choice is. And maybe you are just looking for validating opinions to make sure you are thinking correctly.

A man who hits needs more help than you alone can possibly give. A man who lets his mother handle the tough issues in his life is not likely to change any time soon. If he is so used to being alone, then he will be just fine when you move back home and move on with your life. You have already given more than enough in this situation... he needs to work out these problems before even attempting to form a relationship. That would be the considerate thing to do and by the sound of things, he may not even be capable of seeing that or making that sort of rational, adult decision.

First and foremost - you need to be safe and you need to not be stranded in a foreign country with someone who is potentially unstable.

Yes but, I do not know whether the lack of interest in sex was exclusively with me (maybe because he didn't like me or felt attracted to me) or it is with everyone else. I know nothing about his sex life in previous relationships with other women. He kept saying I was attractive however he said it as if he wasn't attracted to me. He used to say that him being his age, 48, he had these images he fantasises about and he is set in this way because he is used to being by himself and that is why he masturbated in front of me thinking of "these images" or whatever he was thinking about. He also told me on one ocassion that he thought of the previous woman he was with, in a sexual way while being with me. The whole thing about sex with him has left me traumatised. He even opened porn websites at the beginning and took me to look before having sex with me. These websites were only about women. The whole thing was disgusting!!

From what you have written about his solitude, and his failure to form stable relationships with equals, it is not in any way related to you. He has some very fixed ideas of sexuality and appears to have wanted to coerce you into the mould of those ideas. He seems to have been disturbed by any independent thoughts or feelings that you expressed. He appears to have a need for total control and he seems to be unable to feel safe with other equal adults. The only relationship that you mention is with his mother, and you also say he is a doctor, in a position superior to most of the people he deals with through work.

I don't think there is any such thing as "normal" in human sexuality, because many kinds of relationships and behaviours make people happy and feel secure. But sexual health is "An integration of somatic, emotional, intellectual and social aspects of sexual being, in ways that are positive, enriching, and that enhance personality, communication and love" (World Health Organisation) and "The physical, emotional, psychological, social and cultural well being of a person's sexual identity, and the capacity and freedom to enjoy and express sexuality without exploitation, oppression, physical or emotional harm" (Royal College of Nurses) - I do not see the behaviours that you have described as being healthy.