Don't know if I said something rude until they react?

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swbluto
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10 Jul 2011, 12:03 am

I was at the store today and was in line and this girl was taking an exceedingly long time to finish checking out because she had a boat load of goods, so I started wandering around this product display rack near the register. Another person got in line and took my spot, so I explained that I was in line and I was just looking around because the girl checking out was taking a really long time.

Well, as soon as I said that, the girl started apologizing and acting kind of offended and I thought to myself, damn, was that another Aspergian moment of mine? Or was that more characteristic of ADHD?

I think the difference between ADHD and Aspergers is that the person with ADHD can accurately predict how people would react to certain statements, even if it they tend to speak before they think whereas those with aspergers would have significantly harder time predicting how people would've reacted and so tend to "speak" before ... well, can't say thinking because technically they're not thinking of it. So speaking before(and after) not thinking about how other people will react.

I sincerely didn't anticipate that she would've been offended by that explanation until in retrospect.



BillyIdolFan217
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10 Jul 2011, 12:23 am

One time I was shopping with my mom and this baby keep making noises and I said "that's annoying" a little too loud and the mother looked at me with a pissed off look but I didn't notice until my mom told me! My mom said I say things a little too loud sometimes. I don't notice!


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League_Girl
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10 Jul 2011, 12:25 am

You didn't do anything wrong. It just sounds like she was embarrassed because she cut in front of you and didn't realize until you said something.



swbluto
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10 Jul 2011, 12:33 am

League_Girl wrote:
You didn't do anything wrong. It just sounds like she was embarrassed because she cut in front of you and didn't realize until you said something.


Oh, yes, she was probably more embarrassed than offended. Anyway, she was already in front in line when I got there, but she just happened to have a million different things so it took forever. The guy that came in and took my spot essentially "cut in line"(Although it was understandable since I wasn't physically in line at the time he entered it) and he wasn't embarrased at all. In fact, he replied to my assertion I was in line with a skeptical "If you say so..." (So then I had to explain why I was looking around the product stand which was because she was taking a long time.).



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10 Jul 2011, 12:49 am

Sorry I misread. I thought you meant the person who cut on front of you apologized, not the girl who was checking out. I don't know then if it was your AS and why she be offended by it. Maybe she thought you were accusing her like you were thinking it was her fault and that she could help it.



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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10 Jul 2011, 12:51 am

One time I was at Braum's late at night getting one little ice cream cone. I thought I could run in and run out really quickly since I only wanted one thing that was easy to make and the drive thru had about ten cars in line and I was low on gas. These people in front of me had seven people in their party and they were taking forever and I was getting a bit bothered because the only reason I went in in the first place was to be quicker than the drive thru and it was actually taking longer. I think the lady behind me could tell I thought there were too many people in their party because she started talking to them about places where large groups could receive discounts for having so many people.
Normally this wouldn't annoy me at all except it was late and I expected quickness and ended up waiting twenty minutes just for one ice cream cone.
Don't know if this has anything to do with AS.



Verdandi
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10 Jul 2011, 2:44 am

There was nothing socially wrong with saying that she was taking so long, although it might have been more tactful to just say the line was taking forever.

That you didn't predict her reaction is still meaningful, possibly. If that's a typical experience for you?



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10 Jul 2011, 6:22 am

This happens to me not very often in day to day interactions because I have a strong self editor. I actually don't talk very much because of that. But occasionally I talk about something that society considers taboo to say out loud and I get a reaction (or a blank stare). Once at a family gathering my mother jokingly commented that she didn't know how she managed to raise 5 kids without beating any of us. I said "Valium". She said I didn't have to say everything that came into my mind. Oops.


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10 Jul 2011, 9:27 am

swbluto wrote:
I was at the store today and was in line and this girl was taking an exceedingly long time to finish checking out because she had a boat load of goods, so I started wandering around this product display rack near the register. Another person got in line and took my spot, so I explained that I was in line and I was just looking around because the girl checking out was taking a really long time.

Well, as soon as I said that, the girl started apologizing and acting kind of offended and I thought to myself, damn, was that another Aspergian moment of mine? Or was that more characteristic of ADHD?

I think the difference between ADHD and Aspergers is that the person with ADHD can accurately predict how people would react to certain statements, even if it they tend to speak before they think whereas those with aspergers would have significantly harder time predicting how people would've reacted and so tend to "speak" before ... well, can't say thinking because technically they're not thinking of it. So speaking before(and after) not thinking about how other people will react.

I sincerely didn't anticipate that she would've been offended by that explanation until in retrospect.


I've wandered & done things such as these. But I know what the reaction will be. I might of been naive enough when in early 20's to do this, though, as I can recall doing something similar.



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10 Jul 2011, 12:05 pm

Aimless wrote:
This happens to me not very often in day to day interactions because I have a strong self editor. I actually don't talk very much because of that. But occasionally I talk about something that society considers taboo to say out loud and I get a reaction (or a blank stare). Once at a family gathering my mother jokingly commented that she didn't know how she managed to raise 5 kids without beating any of us. I said "Valium". She said I didn't have to say everything that came into my mind. Oops.



Welcome to the Machine.

Every now and then I'll say something that is not sensitive to the circumstances. I'll notice it later, sometimes immediately, and face palm ( figuratively). It's a lack of inhibitions or lowered inhibitions and it seems that the drive is to act now-- blurt-- like a compulsion.

"My, my, some of the things you say"............ There was an 90's TV commercial about passing the All Fruit ( a jelly) around the table, and some hick is at the table amidst Victorians and he asked: " would you please pass the jelly" instead of properly saying "All Fruit," the table moans and a prim and proper lady passes out.

Though a spoof, this is kind of how I am in delicate scenarios. :lol:



b9
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10 Jul 2011, 12:14 pm

Quote:
Don't know if I said something rude until they react?


who cares?
whatever their reaction, it is not important to me.



swbluto
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10 Jul 2011, 2:39 pm

b9 wrote:
Quote:
Don't know if I said something rude until they react?


who cares?
whatever their reaction, it is not important to me.


Well, if you've noticed people are constantly giving you the "Get away from me" signal and you infer it's because you say rude things unintentionally, then you tend to wonder how to change that for the better. And when your financial/professional success is life is dependent on other people (And, it is to a large extent no matter who you are.), and you care about that, yes, you do care. Maybe in a superficial way and you might pretend to dismiss it, but you still do.



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10 Jul 2011, 2:45 pm

I often say rude things that I don't consider rude and discover to be rude later. Or my intention is just to state the facts, and everyone else thinks that I intended to be rude on purpose. It's a shock to discover that so many things are considered rude and unspeakable. Sometimes, just speaking something that everyone already knows is the pinnacle of rudeness.



swbluto
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10 Jul 2011, 3:02 pm

btbnnyr wrote:
I often say rude things that I don't consider rude and discover to be rude later. Or my intention is just to state the facts, and everyone else thinks that I intended to be rude on purpose. It's a shock to discover that so many things are considered rude and unspeakable. Sometimes, just speaking something that everyone already knows is the pinnacle of rudeness.


Interesting. One of the implications of an impoverished Theory of Mind is that one wouldn't know very well what other people already know (Whether it be "common sense" knowledge or otherwise.), so there'd be a trend to state what other people already knew and be "rude". People think it's rude largely because it's assumed you think they didn't already know that, and so you're basically suggesting they're stupid.

I personally notice I state the "obvious" quite a bit. It seems to be unintentional most of the time, but maybe I just think most other people are stupid, so they might not be incorrect about that assumption. :lol:



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10 Jul 2011, 3:14 pm

Here's a possibility. What if people get the impression someone is not very bright so they habitually state the obvious to the unenlightened one on a regular basis, thinking they are helping by educating through life, mentoring, providing support by allowing avoidance of pitfalls and all that. The person is surrounded by people who state the obvious, day and night, and never learns that stating the obvious is considered rude.
So, the person states the obvious to others because others have stated the obvious to him and he knows no different. Is it still considered rude for him to state the obvious?
And if it's considered rude why were all the people in his life allowed to state the obvious for him so long that his personality developed that skill when dealing with people?



btbnnyr
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10 Jul 2011, 3:19 pm

swbluto wrote:
btbnnyr wrote:
I often say rude things that I don't consider rude and discover to be rude later. Or my intention is just to state the facts, and everyone else thinks that I intended to be rude on purpose. It's a shock to discover that so many things are considered rude and unspeakable. Sometimes, just speaking something that everyone already knows is the pinnacle of rudeness.


Interesting. One of the implications of an impoverished Theory of Mind is that one wouldn't know very well what other people already know (Whether it be "common sense" knowledge or otherwise.), so there'd be a trend to state what other people already knew and be "rude". People think it's rude largely because it's assumed you think they didn't already know that, and so you're basically suggesting they're stupid.

I personally notice I state the "obvious" quite a bit. It seems to be unintentional most of the time, but maybe I just think most other people are stupid, so they might not be incorrect about that assumption. :lol:


I state the obvious a lot too. In my case, I do it because I'm not entirely sure if it IS the obvious. I think it works like this. People who share the same modes of thinking or some fuzzy-wuzzy social experience know that "A" is the obvious, so they don't have to say it to confirm it. Everyone knows. I think that "A" may be true, or it could also be "B", "C", "D", "E", "F", etc. There are too many alternatives, and I'm not sure which one is true. So I have to say one of these to test it out amongst the other people. It's not because I think they are stupid, because I don't ever have thoughts about whether other people are stupid or smart or whatever. My mind doesn't even go there. It's not like incorrect application of ToM on my part. It's like a total lack of application of ToM. I'm not sure what people are interpreting from my "rude" comments - either that I am stupid to state the obvious or I think they are stupid because I am stating the obvious to them? Or possibly something much more insidious that I would never think of on my own.