Married to an Aspie - thinking of divorce

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Reckoning
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09 May 2013, 12:02 am

I love my husband very much but being married to someone with AS if draining. My husband can walk right past trash on the ground and say he didn't see it. I just don't know if this is true or he just doesn't care enough to pick it up. I feel like if I could just understand what the truth and the facts were, maybe I would no longer take his lake of attention to detail for things important to me as such a personal affront. I can't even point out something without him getting uber defensive. I've heard many say that it's like having to be your husbands mother and I have certainly felt that way at times. We have been married nearly 7 years and if I had no other stress, I think I could handle his differences without feeling alone in my marriage, without feeling like the foundation, without feeling like everything's on my shoulders. I don't feel like any change is ever a lasting change and truth be told, I'm depressed and although I really don't want to give up, I'm exhausted and feel like I'm just going to break in half at any time. My young son also demonstrates symptoms and I'm trying to get him ready for kindergarten...alone... We are Christians and I believe God put us together but I just don't understand why he doesn't try to overcome these obstacles. It makes me feel like I'm not important enough for him to change although I don't believe he feels this way. I think he's just stuck in his symptoms, ways, and patterns and just cannot break himself of these things. No less, that doesn't make up for the lack of my needs being addressed in our marriage. Am I asking too much?



BassMan_720
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09 May 2013, 1:16 am

Hi reckoning

Your situation sounds very familiar. I am a 54 year old married aspie who found out sbout the condition only 2 years ago. I am happy to try to answer some of your questions but from experience, I would rather talk detail in private.

Your husband's behaviour is very typically aspie. He can't help this: really. I csn also steer you to a more exclusive website specifically for people in aspie relationships. If you wish to know more feel free to PM me.



Ilka
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09 May 2013, 10:20 am

Is there any chance that your husband can get therapy? My Aspie husband has changed a lot (for good) since we married. Because he made the effort and changed himself to adapt to married life. But his Asperger's is mild. I know it is not possible for everybody. Therapy has done wonders for our daughter. I do not know how effective it is for adults, but I know it is possible, and it might be a possibility worth looking into, if you can get it and/or afford it.



ericatris
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08 Nov 2013, 6:52 am

Hello - I have been just learned that after 12 years of marriage he has been officially diagnosed with aspergers. We have a 6 1/2 year old that is an aspie as well. I've suggested to my H that he might have it and he never told me, but he had looked into it and said he thinks he might "fit the bill". When issues arose at work he went to see a psychiatrist and has now been diagnosed. I love him and care about him and maintaining my family as a unit, but the truth is that staying in this marriage, i feel, is going to be the death of me. It is SO LONELY. I know that there isn't a magic answer, but I am desperate to find some help. We are in in therapy and the therapist has advised him that the success or failure is going to rest on him. He wants to try, but I feel so deflated.



BassMan_720
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08 Nov 2013, 8:02 am

Hi ericatris
I am so sorry for how you must be feeling right now.

I would suggest that you change your therapist. My wife has finally decided to divorce me after 27 years. I found out about Asperger's less than three years ago. I am 54.

WHen I found out that I was likely Asperger's, I worked very hard to find ways to find work-arounds to my limitations. I know I was the one with the problem. I was willing to do what was necessary but I was working alone and spent much energy addressing the wrong things. It was not only my wife that was lonely, I was terribly lonely too.

Your husband will never understand what it is that makes you feel so lonely. I am assuming that he loves you and that he is very frustrated that he does not understand what is missing from your relationship. It doesn't mater how much effort he is willing to put into making things a success, because he needs help just like a blind person would to find his way around a strange place. He will need you to be understanding of his limitations, which might take some time, and he will need you to guide him to put the effort where you need him to. He will also need encouragement when he get things right.

To me, negative responses do not work well. I am not good enough to distinguish the subtle rules to identify what I the negative response was for and I compensate by shutting down all possible offending activity. This can mean suppressing positive actions too.

If you want this to succeed, you will both have to put in effort and both will need to be understanding and patient with each other.

I wish you both success.



legomyego
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08 Nov 2013, 8:47 am

hope this doesn't sound too harsh....but fall in a ditch and lay...(OP)

=/

married for 12 years and you're going to throw that away?

how petty are you....



Adamantium
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08 Nov 2013, 9:06 am

BassMan_720 wrote:
Hi ericatris
I am so sorry for how you must be feeling right now.

I would suggest that you change your therapist. My wife has finally decided to divorce me after 27 years. I found out about Asperger's less than three years ago. I am 54.

WHen I found out that I was likely Asperger's, I worked very hard to find ways to find work-arounds to my limitations. I know I was the one with the problem. I was willing to do what was necessary but I was working alone and spent much energy addressing the wrong things. It was not only my wife that was lonely, I was terribly lonely too.

Your husband will never understand what it is that makes you feel so lonely. I am assuming that he loves you and that he is very frustrated that he does not understand what is missing from your relationship. It doesn't mater how much effort he is willing to put into making things a success, because he needs help just like a blind person would to find his way around a strange place. He will need you to be understanding of his limitations, which might take some time, and he will need you to guide him to put the effort where you need him to. He will also need encouragement when he get things right.

To me, negative responses do not work well. I am not good enough to distinguish the subtle rules to identify what I the negative response was for and I compensate by shutting down all possible offending activity. This can mean suppressing positive actions too.

If you want this to succeed, you will both have to put in effort and both will need to be understanding and patient with each other.

I wish you both success.


Your post is somewhat chilling to me. I am a few years younger and have been with my wife a few years longer. But I know she has considered divorce when I was utterly, utterly clueless.

I have been the one who kept us together, by being extremely willing to change and prioritizing the relationship over every other thing in my life. The most difficult parts have been when she has been withdrawn and non-communicative and I have had to beg and insist that we talk things through. This usually results in epic talks, often lasting until sunrise followed by closeness that is sustaining. Sometimes these talks are followed by big changes: jobs, living situations, schools, ways of living.

But it's a thing that needs constant monitoring and maintenance, this connection that makes the marriage work.

I don't know anything else. We met in high school and have been together since I was barely an adult. When I read your story, and consider that this could be my future, I am chilled to the core. It sounds like you are doing well and I salute you for that.

I guess the woman who started this thread is no longer coming here. It sounds like there are no answers for that situation. I hope they are all OK. It sounds like the family has financial resources and that's a good thing. I would suggest that mom hire some people to do the necessary care and then take a month away, go on holiday to somewhere peaceful, alone, and figure out where her priorities are--then maybe go back and keep delegating a ton of the maintenance tasks (keeping meds scheduled etc.) to human or software assistants. Everyone should live for themselves and love themselves first--it's the only way to solidly be there and love others.

Wishing the best for all.