the pain runs deep

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My girlfriend has left me in tears and i find it hard to eat alot of times because i care so much about her. I dont know what to say to alot of things she says to me because i dont want to attack or be mean to her. I definitely dont want to lose her, but the things she says and does to me are horrible.

i just want to link some conversations i have had with her and see what you all think about it. Before i do though i want you to know that i am trying to the best of my ability to give you all of the messages but sometimes little things are left out and since she can read this she can respond for any inaccurate information.

Her: i will say it for the last time....there will NEVER be an US if you do not CHANGE. YOU KNEW THIS. You have let aspergers take over your life, and that is why you never amounted to nothing. You ONLY got to the army because I called them and found out they were accepting GED's. You would've gone on thinking they didnt. So dont tell me that you are constantly bettering yourself. You havent done ANYTHING wthout a push. Id like to know specifically what you have changed about yourself. Specifics! Do you really try? Are you reading books on your disorder? Are you studying up on how you can make better choices and use your common sense better? Hell no. You are playing. As usual. Because life is about playing with you. You have not shown me crap. You think all it takes is to be kind to a woman, shower her with gifts and compliments. Well that is great, but there is so much more. You need to be a man, you need to be a protector, you need to have some f*****g SENSE, you need to be reliable, you need to overcome aspergers! SO NO, YOU HAVE NOT TRIED TO MAKE ME HAPPY. YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. I WILL NEVER TRUST MY DAUGHTER WITH YOU UNTIL YOU GET HELP AND HELP YOURSELF! STOP f*****g AROUND. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, SO WHY DONT YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO GET IT. TRY. NOT TALK. THAT STARTS WITH BOOKS, WEBSITES, THERAPY, ETC. THAT STARTS NOW. NOT NEXT WEEK. THATS ALL I AM GOING TO SAY ABOUT IT. I CANT WAIT FOREVER FOR YOU TO FINALLY DECIDE YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE. NOW OR NEVER.

me: Im going to change the instant i see what i am doing wrong and the better way to do whatever it is. I have been reading the wrongplanet website and i did buy a book and i went to a psychiatrist etc. I am no stoping that even if you arent going to be with me. I want you and i consider what you say always even if i dont say anything i do. you say something and i listen. You're everything to me and i want you but i dont want to be a creeper when you dont want me and i cant help but want you.

Her: A book. Sorry but one book wont change you. You dont have to be a creeper just because you like someone. You shouldve read the book multiple times by now, let alone just one. Excuses are for the weak.

Her: Did you want to talk? now is a better time than at 1am. lt me know. Life is too short to fight. My friend is having a baby right now and it makes me realize how life will always go on. but it is still too short.

Me: Hey, how you doing? Life is too short that's for sure We're almost 30! I dont want to fight about anything i want you to accept me for me and my flaws and know i am going to change things bad about me all the time. I want us to have talks about whats bothering you about me and i do you. I want us to grow together as people and become everything we have ever wanted. I never cared where my house is located or if i have animals but i do want 4 seasons, a hot tub, and a bike. trees are a plus and a stream/creek. your dreams fit mine and all your ideas... you fit me and its another thing i love about you and we get everything we want.

Her: I cant except you for your flaws, sorry. Your flaws tear people apart. You have a disorder, it has controlled your life for far too long. I cant talk right now , hanging out with a friend. I tried talking earlier but you ignored it.

Me: I didn't ignore it my phone was dead. Why do you assume i ignored it?

Her: because you charged your phone

Me: If you can't accept me then you arent working with me you are like a clerk saying well you dont have 2 dollars so you cant buy this. Come back when you have more money. Why dont you help me raise the money? If we both want that. So because i dont have my phone charged all the time im ignoring you? well i was out all day i just got back

Her: I have practically GIVEN you the damn money. help you? I have done more than enough to help you. You need to help yourself now. Maybe you should charge your phone all night. theres a concept. Ive been out all day and have a charged phone. Whats your excuse? Have you ordered more books? Last time ill ask that question thats for damn sure lol

Me: Hey, i will talk to you later i dont want to interrupt your time with your friend. Have a good night if i dont talk to you again. I did charge it last night its just it died because i used it too much

Her: ok have a good night

Me: The books i order are going to be on amazon so i have them. If i really cant get it from amazon ill send it to work

Her: Oh video games on the phone. gotcha. maybe let it charge without using it so much?

Me: I don't have much interest in games lately. Dunno they just bore me. Using google maps and the satilite and that drains the battery

Her: the books was a big NO. under all that bs explanation lol. k. Saying i need to "HELP YOU RAISE THE MONEY" really made me just want to be done with you. Sorry but i have DONE MORE THAN WHAT YOU YOURSELF HAS EVEN DONE TO UNDERSTAND ASPERGERS. I HAVE DONE MORE THAN YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A FAMILY HAS EVEN DONE OR ACKNOWLEDGED. I AM THE ONE WHO FOUND WEBSITES THAT YOU COULD USE FOR INFO AND SUPPORT. I AM THE ONE WHO LOOKED UP BOOKS. I AM THE ONE WHO RESEARCHED ASPERGERS ONLINE. I AM THE ONE WHO BROUGHT SOMETHING TO THE SURFACE OF YOUR HOPELESS AND CLUELESS LIFE! SO IF ANYTHING, YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME INSTEAD OF TELLING ME I SHOULD BE "HELPING" YOU. GO TO HELL YOU HOPELESS MORON. WE ARE DONE. DONE WASTING TIME FOR LOSER GUYS TO GET THEIR ACT TOGETHER.

Me: I dont know what to say to you. You must hate me is all i can think of and really i dont know why i deserve it. I guess have a good time and this moron is going to bed.

Her: No wrong again. I am the one who doesnt deserve this BS. All the time and effort spent just to help YOU. and you have the nerve to say i should be helping you. after all this? GTG


That is the last text message and i am just wondering what i can do better?

i am not diagnosed with aspergers but there is some wierd things i do and i have tried to take this whole experience as to see what i am doing wrong and address it so that i am a better person. I did buy the tony attwood book on aspergers about 4 weeks ago( havent been able to read it cause i forgot it at her house). The first doctor i seen said i may have high functioning aspergers and the 2 psychiatrists and a mri after that suggest that i am normal.

damn man she hit hard. I know how that feels. My best advice would be try to not let this drag you down. There is a lot of things that are suitable for you to make it through life. seems like you just have to find them. Hope you find your niche. Might not be now might not be later but i'm sure you will eventually find it.

She seems kinda B#tchy if you ask me. It seems to me what she needs to understand is that AS cant exactly dissapear, but some of our symptoms, if treated in the right way, can be made so their not as bad. it seems to me that as your girlfirend she should be loving and supporting you, she should be going into therapy with you, or helping you search on the internet or going to help you find that book, and she should overcome this with you and not leave you in the dust to do it alone, because our symptoms cant be helped alone, we need a loving hand to guide us and support us and encoruage us. i would tlel her that you will try and change, but you need her support and her help to get throughthe changes and the therapy.

she sent me these e-mails a few days ago and they might help better understand the situation.

Me: i miss you

Her: How's the aspergers book? learning on change your ways yet?

Me: He said you didn't give him the book when I asked. Did you get your sim card? I bet its hot there and you been taking advantage of it. I seen like a thousand caribou migrating through my camp the other day. anyways, gotta work ttyl

Her: I figured u wouldve ordered more books since one book cant possibly cover it all. Guess I was wrong, my bad. Yeah got the sim, curious as to why u put down your sisters address on the envelope. But then again, you arent the sharpest tool in the shed!

Me: If I knew of another book that will help me then I would but I don't. I have the forum to use and that book to read for now. You got the sim card and that's what matters. At least if it did get lost I know where it is and my mom or brother would send it to you. You would have to wait for me to get to my p.o.box and using the address up here could take months. That was IMO the best option.

Her: first off, the adress up there would not take months...did it take months to get to me? Just use your head for once. Second, you have a po box. So what does it mean when u say i would have to "wait"?? Third, it would not be going to your brother or mom....you had your SISTER'S address on it......Rocket science? so IMO that was the worst option. Your c**t of a sister possibly getting my sim card is the WORST you could have done. Well done......again.

I just had to add one more thing because its funny how predictable u are. I told my mom that once I ask about the ret*d move u made, I knew how u would respond. She said "well what can he say to that? There is no good reason for him putting his sisters address on there. The girl who threatened you. He never seems to quite get it does he?". Then I said "I will bet you 20 bucks that when I tell him how stupid that was and he has nothing better to say, he will say "all that matters is you got your sim". Am I good or what?! I called that one. Because whenever u do something to show how slow u are, you try your hardest to avoid it lol. I knew u would say that. Instead of owning up to it! For example, most normal guys would say "oh damn i did write my sisters address? That was stupid, my bad". But u actually have a reason for it lol. Which is the stupidest reasons sadly.....

I only wish there was a magic pill I could give u to make u better. It sucks. I would never wish this on a parent. I would say your poor mom, but she is use to it by now. I know u arent helpless, and I know u know how to search for books online.....so instead of having excuses as usual, maybe u should seriously think about ordering some more books. Its as simpls as logging on to Amazon and doing a search....but u already knew that

and yeah I'm pissed. Your airhead act is getting old. Real old. You are a grown man, act like one please. If my sim wouldve got to your sister, I would NEVER have gotten it back. Not to mention she would stick it in a phone and mess around. This s**t is getting old and I'm done. Being your friend is more of a hazard than not. Its no wonder u dont have REAL close friends. Its hard just being a friend to you. I cant rely on u, because the moment I do, you go and act like a tard again. I'm not trying to be mean, but its time to wisen up. Seriously. Nobody is going to put up with it for long. I understand nobody else is around u for a long period of time, but the moment a person is.....watch out. Because I am telling u that they wont stick around if u continue to act like u are mentally ret*d. Aspergers is NO reason to be this way. Work on yourself. U are just as capable of looking into book reviews on aspergers as I am. U are capable of looking into resources for yourself. I have NEVER had to help a friend as much as I have had to help you. I have never had to baby a friend as much. I have never had to expect the worse from a friend like I do with you. I hate to say it, but you have the WORST mind. I cant imagine being born with a mind like that, being so out of touch with the world. Being so slow when it comes to common sense. If only u could teach yourself to take a moment to think about what u are about to do, then maybe u wouldnt make such foolish mistakes. Just something to REALLY think about . Dont act like u are ok. Dont settle. Look at how far its gotten u. You would still be in your basement playing video games a 40 yr old virgin. I helped u, now u need to help yourself. NOW.

If u cant respond to my emails, I take that as you dont know what to say. Its ok I understand. But all the excuses just get old. Your whole life has been one big excuse. Sinse I met you, you have had excuses. Excuses as to why you lived with your sister your whole life. Excuses as to why you never had a girlfriend, Excuses as to why you never moved outside of your city. Excuses as to why you never got your GED. Excuses as to why you never went to college. Excuses as to why you had on online "girlfriend" who u never met, never saw, never heard its voice, for a FEW YEARS(very disturbing). Excuses as to why you dont have any close friends. Excuses as to why your only "close" friends are from a video game. Excuses as to why your "best friend" is a 40 something yr old who is addicted to video games(kinda disturbing imo). So many more, but u get the picture. Anyways, all I wanted was to be friends with you, maybe more IF and only IF you had changed your ways. NOBODY can be with someone like you. I know its hard for u to accept that. But you have to accept it and change. You always said that u hated guys who say they can change, but they never do. Well u are that guy. I have done MORE THAN ENOUGH to help u. I have given u the tools, but u dont use them. You are a 29 yr old man who knows how to get help. But u dont. You say if u knew of some more books u would get them, but u dont. Well funny, you know how to look for expensive phones online, but u cant look for a book??? Its all a BS excuse....as usual. So I'm tired of u being all talk. And on top of it, having excuses left and right. Grow up already! Lose the loser friends u have that are not all there in the head. He is gross and immature. Maybe thats why u two connect so well. Its disturbing. He talks like a schoolboy with all his gross immature s**t. Why do u like that??? Is it because you are on his level?? I dont know any guy that age that acts like that. But thats the last thing u need to be around. You need to get MATURE, not be around immature old guys. God wtf is wrong with u?? He once said something very inappropriate about my daughter and i do NOT think that is funny or acceptable. It was in my mom's living room when u were on the phone with him. So dont even act like u dont remember.

So if u really cared about me or wanted to be friends, you have done NOTHING to show it. Here are some things that you need to understand. You need to change and not just talk about it. That means today order some books that have good reviews off amazon. Send them to your mailbox, NOT YOUR SISTERS. Or u can send them to me.

Then drop the creepy old guy. Seriously. Slowly just stop talking to him on the phone and it will fizzle. There are other "good" guys out there. Prob meet them in bootcamp if u make it to bootcamp.

Read ALL the books, take notes. FOLLOW THE NOTES!! !

Take the tips I give you and live by them. Learn how to conversate. Probably from the books.

DO NOT say you know something or how to do something IF YOU DONT. It will not get u points or make u look smarter, or better. It only makes u look like a fool when u are called out on it. Plus it annoys people.

Stop and use your head. Use logic. The books and cognitive thinking games COULD help. Not saying there is a cure, but its best to try everything. I'm tired of constantly making excuses for u. Whenever u do something that is just plain stupid or ditsy. Putting your sisters address on my mail was one of THE most thoughtless and stupid things.

There are things that are a hazard with u. I feel like u constantly will throw me under the bus ON ACCIDENT because of your lack of thinking. When your sister read all my personal texts to you, that was because YOU DID NOT THINK AND DID NOT ERASE EVERYTHING OFF THE SIM AND PHONE THAT U GAVE BACK. I was violated. Her and angie taunted me and sent me my own messages and tried to use them against me. All because u NEVER use your head! Do u get what I am saying??? You cause me pain because of this reason of not thinking. It scares me. I dont think its something u can change and I fear we cant be friends because of it.

Unless u SHOW ME SOME IMPROVEMENT. You have yet to do that. Which only tells me that u are not serious and would rather just be helpless and lonely forever.

I hope u take this seriously. But if not, let me know. If I dont hear from you today, I will take that as my answer.

Me: I don't know what to tell you. I have told you how much you mean to me. I am going to love you forever. I want you to be happy and I need to be happy. Some things you say to me are just hurtful and disrespectful and you justify it every time. I know I f**k up and do things wrong or not as good as I could but I mean well. I wish you would just give in to me and either suggest or go with an idea I have to go do something. Like we were going to go to Virginia city, napa valley, fishing, camping, or whatever. I am not a sit in my house and play video games guy. My addiction to games died when I met you. I turned all the time and attention to you and its too much obviously. I can't think right now I just want you and you know that so what more to say? I am trying and have been to make and keep you happy. I need to be happy from that, and I should feel wanted from you like you do from me. I feel like half the time you don't care if im there or not so how do you think that makes me feel?

Last edited by CharliebrownE on 27 Jul 2011, 4:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds like shes verbally abusing you, and she called your sister a C#@t, which my mother always taught me is the most foul word you can call a woman and should never be spoken. I know im only 15 and i try to respect those who have more experience in life as much as i can and im a bit out of place, but it really sounds like shes treating you horribly

she went to the first doctor with me and to one of the psychiatrists but it was not a group therapy thing between us it was just for me. I appreciate her so much and i am thankful for everything she does for me but i dont know what to say to what she tells me .

I really just want the comments to be about me and what i can do better. she is an amazing person and maybe i just frustrate her too much for her to be happy i dont know how to make her understand what i tell her

While she might have some valid gripes and frustrations, to be honest I can't condone her behavior and I think she wants you to be something or someone that you are not capable of right now. I think she wants you to take more initiative and be more proactive in life in general.

I think unless you become more insightful, if you stay with her you are just going to be subjected to more of this until you leave or she leaves.

Well first you must ask yourself, and please be perfectly honest with yourself, Do you really feel the need to change? forget about your lover but pretend she doesnt exist for just a moment. and then ask yourself, would you feel the need to change yourself?

Sounds like she is trying to help you by telling you what to do. Idk man, this sounds like what my bros ex girlfriend did to him. She said some things to him, could take it as mean or take it as encouragement. I dont really understand. He has a good head on his shoulders he just doesn't know where to start it seems. Idk people can be very complicated. Did you gf grow up in a higher class family?My girlfriend did. One of her bros was a doctor, the other computer guy, sister was a dentaly hygienest. and she said some things but not nearly as bad as that, people said she could be very mean at times. She could never think for herself, maybe. She always went to other people to solve her problems, especially her parents. Its kinda funny she probably would think the same thing as your girlfriend but really she gets as much help from her family as she doesn't form herself. So whatever man hope you figure things out. It really pisses me off when people say s**t like she has said but when really she has had a totally different upbringing. maybe. I kinda feel like a dipshit for saying all of this but hopefully it will help you get through this.

She sounds like the type of person if they get back she will just gather more things for the next break up. tear him down some more. it pisses me off so much when other people have had a better head start in life and put down people who haven't. she needs the reality check. If you never had the idea of life can be better then how the hell would you ever make your life better. Also somethings just don't need to be taking care of. She should be smart enough or what it sounds like she should be able to of figured that out by now. Somethings just take care of themselves or something shouldn't be taken care of.

has this girl done anything in her life that wasn't cattered to her?

Wow... what an absolute control freak.

Look, if she won't take you, Asperger's and all--if she won't love you and your AS, both--then you don't want her. She's trying to squish you into the shape she likes best, as though she could just get whatever person she wanted by beating you down until you did whatever she wanted.

First tip-off: She accuses you of "letting Asperger's take over your life". If she doesn't know that Asperger's is part of you, and she insists on changing you constantly, and insists that she doesn't want you if you are still AS, if you don't change.

You don't want this girl. Trust me. It's better to break it off now and let her move on to try to ruin someone else's life, than to set yourself up for a lifetime of abuse. If you were paraplegic and she ordered you to learn to walk before she would stay with you, wouldn't you leave her? Well, that's what she's doing. It's like she refuses to accept a boyfriend with autism, just can't get her head around the idea that she could possibly ever date anybody like that; so she's trying to change you into the imaginary boyfriend she has in her head, the one that doesn't have autism, but also doesn't exist.

Let me put it this way: She's outright abusive. She's bigoted. She's trying to run your life, telling you which friends you can have. Drop her, now, before she gets even more vicious. People don't seem to understand that there are abusive girlfriends just like there are abusive boyfriends. Well, there are, and from the information you're giving me, this is one of 'em.

Find someone who understands that you are a weird, non-normal, disabled person, and loves you not just in spite of but because of that. Find someone who does not want to change you, but who wants to get to know you--someone who wants to share a life together that has Asperger's as a normal part of it.

And the next time a girl tells you you have to "overcome Asperger's" to be a good boyfriend, I want you to turn 180 degrees and walk away. She's not worth it.

Last edited by Callista on 27 Jul 2011, 4:37 am, edited 4 times in total.

i'd say stay away from any of his close friends too or talk to them in general. if girls act the same all around then her girlfriends will probably be dumb about and confront you about it and make you feel like even more of a dumbass. Then go back and tell your girlfriend more s**t for her to rag on you about and to her family. Girls like her talk to their family about s**t like that. They get a kick out of it. Its a pretty low ball behavior but it happens. f**k b*****s man this kind of thing pisses me off. this is the type of person that probably does something to be the first person to do it.
Does she insult you too? whenever you say random stuff?

i agree with you 100%, although im not quite sure if she had a better life or had things catered to her since i didnt see anything about that on here, but yeah she needs to realize that we are who we are, as the old saying goes "take it or leave it"

This stood out to me as a possible true incompatibility. She buys into the gender roles imposed by society. Why should a man be a protector though? Do you feel able to be one, or want to be one?

The thing about not charging your phone I understand. I would feel incredibly hurt (no offense to you, I know you don't understand) if someone I thought cared for me didn't bother to do something simple in order to talk to me. You know how people are always saying "I would do anything for this person, I would walk 1000 miles barefoot in the snow" and I think she feels if you truly loved her you would make the sacrifice to get your phone charged.

Since you say you DO love her it (not getting simple things done like making it possible for you to call her) must be an issue of executive dysfunction or something else though. So I would look into ways to solve that, maybe with an ADHD professional, IF you want to be with her.

She herself could use some education on AS, the fact that it's a different neurological type with many merits and not a disorder.

You say you love her but when your actions belie that it makes it hard for her to believe that I think. But she may not understand why you act the way you do and/or be frustrated that you may understand but haven't had success changing (the specific things that hurt her most, like the phone left uncharged).

I agree with Callista 100%.

She sounds controlling, abusive and totally intolerant, and dare I say it, selfish, only thinking about her own needs and ideals, and trying to lever you into some idea of who she thinks you should be.

Find someone who will gently encourage you and point out when you have made a mistake, but who will support you and not be abusive and forceful in the process, is my suggestion.