Helping my Husband to move on

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Thinking about separating from my husband. Years of trying and I am not sure that we will ever be able to reach a compromise in regard to our communication. I really wanted to make the marriage work, but if my husband will not respect the differences between us then I don't know what else I can do. I have spent the last 6 months on this website finding out as much as i can about aspergers. my husband has not even picked up a book on the subject.

We have had loads of counselling/therapy. He found out about his aspergers at the age of 44 (6 months ago). His thoughts still are that:
my kids and I have a disease that makes us stand in his way
me not letting him play soccer 6 years ago is one of the reasons why he still verbally abuses me
i don't know when to speak and when to shut-up
our kids are disrespectful and more difficult than anyone else's children
and a lot more other things that he totally refuses to see from anyone else's perspective.

So my question is........................ what support services are there in Australia to help my husband get things set-up/organised for himself?

There is only so much I can show him and if we separate, I fear I am going to be relied upon for many years to come in order to help him with functional things.

eg: he rings me if his car breaks down
he does not know how to access services like electricity, gas supply, telephone
job instability is a problem for him
he does not recognise certain needs of our children eg: privacy, any emotional/psychological issues
he has at-fault car accidents regularly. He was completing the claim form for the latest one (last week) and asked me who the
financier was. He didn't know if his car was owned outright or under finance.
he overlooks things like closing gates, locking doors etc so i am concerned about the children staying the night with him.

I wish there was some sort of "how to live day-to-day life in Australia" type course. I do not mean to be patronising. I realise that many people with Aspergers are able to function much better. Unfortunately, my husband does not and I find it awfully difficult to know how to deal with it. I already work 40 hours a week and study part-time to support our family. Our son also has ADHD and i need to focus on that issue as well

You may find this question on AllExperts helpful. I was asked for help by an Australian autistic young man who'd been kicked out of home, and did some research on where to find support for adult autistics in Australia.

understand that the emotional gap between you and him is something he feels just like you do. he's saying these things because they are absolutely true from his perspective. i'd also suggest there's a lot here you're not telling us.

in terms of the day to day details of running his life -- i think that stuff is up to him to learn. if he goes out there into the real world and has to figure things out for himself i'm sure he will. if he's that incapable of knowing whether you own a car or finance it, then he'll have to find a workaround, eg having no car and using public transport.

he might go through a year of rough times but then adapt and find his own way in the world

You might be surprised how capable he is of taking care of his own business if you step back and let him. You might not really be helping so much as taking over.
Also, what was it about him that you found so attractive in the first place? He had AS then too.

He does not see his 'condition' as a problem or something that needs to be fixed. There is no reason for him to read up on being himself. He already knows who he is.

However, I do agree with your standpoint on this. Any kind of a relationship is a place where both parties need to give and take. He volunteered into this relationship. That also means he has a responsibility to consider your needs, whether he likes to or not. This is a choice he made implicitly when he said 'I do' at the alter. And this is something you have every right to remind him of.



If playing soccer is something he felt very passionately about, I can see why he still blames you for that. I to hold grudges for a very, very long time. In particular about situations that I do not understand. I am not averse to accepting that I can or can not do something I like, but it requires a very well reasoned and logical explanation.

Why the kids behave the way they do is not for me to comment on really, but there is a good possibility that at least one of them may be autistic as well. This almost always runs in the family.

As far as you not knowing when to speak, this is something you need to put behind you. Just express yourself whenever and however you feel is best. But keep in mind that he will not respond well to a raised voice or 'irrational rambling'. If you want him to really understand the point you are trying to make, be calm about it and make it as clear and unambiguous as possible.

This can be very difficult and very trying from your perspective, but it often works.



I am not from Australia, so I can not answer this, sorry.



This is very recognizable and one of the reasons why some of my relationships in the past failed. It took me a long time to understand why, but here is what I took away from that: From my perspective, a partnership means sharing life together. Doing anything for each other, unconditionally. I value a person, not for their personality or looks, but by what they have to offer me in terms of functional and useful capacities. Some see this as a very cold and detached approach but this is not true. It does not mean that I do not care for such a person. On the contrary, I may value them a great deal and would be devastated if I lost them. I just have a very different way of interpreting and expressing a relationship bond.

For me it is also difficult to understand why someone would need to hear something seemingly trivial like 'I love you' or other little compliments once in a while. From my perspective that should be self evident. I did after all go into a relationship with said person. Why would I do that if I did not care for them? It is possible that he feels the same way and therefor gives you the impression that he only needs you as a driver or to wash his clothes.

This does not justify what is going on, but it might give you a different insight into the situation. I really do not believe he means any harm. He just does not understand the concept of a partnership the way you do. Things like these are not at all self evident to us. Tell him. Explain to him exactly how you feel and what you expect from him. Don't be adversarial about it, just lay out the facts for him.



I have this to, but to a limited degree. However I am open to learning. I do not know about him though. It seems he wants to spend his time on things he finds more interesting. Again, you can express to him in clear terms why it is important that he learns these things, but I am unsure if it will work.



You are in a very difficult position and I do not believe anyone here will deny that. There are unfortunately no easy answers here. Living with an autist can be an extremely taxing and frustrating undertaking. The root of this problem lies solely in misunderstanding; from both sides. You both have your own ideas about what life and a partnership means. And for each of you your views are 'the right ones'. The problem is that they likely differ considerably. He judges everything you ask of him by his rules. Just like you judge everything he does by your rules. You both end up frustrated and angry because neither of you get what the hell is going on.

This is really the first thing that needs to go away. You already said you spent a great deal of time studying and reading up on autism. This is a very good start and you should be commended for that! Not many people will do so. Now it is his turn. He will probably not consider it unless he is sufficiently convinced that there is reason to do so (as I said, he does not see himself as a problem). You have to find a way to convince him of his requirement to get to know you. How you can go about this is unfortunately outside of my knowledge

Just make sure you do not approach him and his way of living as being 'wrong'. This almost immediately sets a bad basis for a discussion. He could just as well say the same of you, and probably will in such a situation. That only leads to him shutting down and you getting nowhere.

I know from my own past that it can be a tremendous task to live with someone like me or your husband and I am impressed that you are still willing to stick to it. I can only wish you good luck, but also remind you that your own well being is no less important than anyone else's. if you feel the pressure of dealing with all this gets too much, Just get out. Go on holiday or at least find some time for yourself.

Reading up on Asperger's is not a matter of knowing who you are (well, it's part of it, but meh). It's also about learning the coping mechanisms that help you on a daily basis, it's about learning how the rest of the world works and making sense of it. You could try to make this clear. I'm not sure if you've tried it (you might've), but have you told him exactly what you expect him to do?

Also, if there ever was a course on day-to-day life, I would enroll. I can function, but it's just so much easier when people outright tell you.

Ditto.

Our last psychologist suggested I pull back in taking over and I did.............loads. Trouble was, he started to ask our daughter for help instead. She is only 11.
I asked him to move out for a while last year (this was before we knew about his aspergers). I suggested he rent a room at the pub which he did and stayed there for 10 months. however, he would come home during the day for showers because he did not like using the pubs bathroom. On bad days, he would call me up to 7 times a day at my office to clarify things.

When I met my husband he had been in the same job for 16 years, parents had set him up in a flat and although I did notice his "oddities" I was attracted to his stable, committed lifestyle, gentle, loving nature and the fact that he could cook. I am a terrible cook.
We then moved to Australia and I think this was a major setback for him as he did not understand how things worked here. I notice a big difference when we go back to his home country for a visit.
due to company restructuring he lost a lot of hours at a job 2 years ago and that was the crucial point that his mental health really went downhill. Of course, I had no idea the impact that all this loss of routine had on him.
10 years of not understanding each other has taken its toll on both of us bigtime.