Boys May Find Talking About Problems A Waste of Time?

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Boys May Find Talking About Problems A ‘Waste of Time’
By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on August 23, 2011

Males Have a Problem Discussing Problems A recent study sheds new light on why many males have difficulty discussing their problems with others — they tend to not think it is particularly useful.

“For years, popular psychologists have insisted that boys and men would like to talk about their problems but are held back by fears of embarrassment or appearing weak,” said researcher Dr. Amanda J. Rose, associate professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri.

“However, when we asked young people how talking about their problems would make them feel, boys didn’t express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys’ responses suggest that they just don’t see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity.”

Researchers conducted four different studies that included surveys and observations of nearly 2,000 children and adolescents. They discovered girls had positive expectations for how talking about problems would make them feel, such as expecting to feel cared for, understood and less alone.

Surprisingly, boys were no more likely than girls to say that talking about problems would cause them to be embarrassed, or be worried that they would be teased, or feel bad about not taking care of the problems themselves.

Instead, boys reported that talking about problems would make them feel “weird” and like they were “wasting time.”

“An implication is that parents should encourage their children to adopt a middle ground when discussing problems. For boys, it would be helpful to explain that, at least for some problems, some of the time, talking about their problems is not a waste of time.

“Yet, parents also should realize that they may be ‘barking up the wrong tree’ if they think that making boys feel safer will make them confide. Instead, helping boys see some utility in talking about problems may be more effective,” Rose said.

“On the other hand, many girls are at risk for excessive problem talk, which is linked with depression and anxiety, so girls should know that talking about problems isn’t the only way to cope.”

Rose believes that the findings may play into future romantic relationships, as many relationships involve a “pursuit-withdraw cycle” in which one partner (usually the woman) pursues talking about problems while the other (usually the man) withdraws.

“Women may really push their partners to share pent-up worries and concerns because they hold expectations that talking makes people feel better. But their partners may just not be interested and expect that other coping mechanisms will make them feel better.

“Men may be more likely to think talking about problems will make the problems feel bigger, and engaging in different activities will take their minds off of the problem. Men may just not be coming from the same place as their partners,” Rose said.

The paper will be published in an upcoming edition of the journal Child Development.

Source: University of Missouri

Guys, what do you think?

In my experience talking about problems is largely a waste of time. A lot of people seem to like to wallow in their problems rather than address them.. it's a way of socializing.. in fact most socializing falls into this category in my experience, and it is by far the main reason I avoid socialization as much as possible.

That said, complaining about things is somehow alluring, at least in a naive way.. very rarely it may lead to some sort of solution but typically the solution is pretty obvious anyway, or, yeah, just do something else, you'll figure it out later, or just not bother with it anymore. I used to complain more myself but I've largely given up on it, either that or try and offer some sort of constructive solution, if I can imagine one.

I don't find it a waste of my time.
I just don't like to waste other people's time.

Translating my problems into words that others might understand helps me to understand them myself,
but that doesn't mean they gain anything from listening to it.

Lets hear what Geordi La Forge has to say on the subject:

More to the point...
I'm trying to make a habit of only telling my problems to clever people, NOT empathetic people.
If I have a problem, I don't need empathy, I need creative solutions.
Otherwise it is a waste of time.

Dude, that Star Trek picture is hilarious

Sometimes I feel a little guilty not talking about my problems with my parents. My mom would always ask me what had happened to me, what had I done, how I felt (the usual stuff), and I would answer as shortly as I can, just to satisfy her without appearing too rude or blunt. Honestly, I don't think there's much she can do for help.

I would talk through my problems with my best friend, he routinely knows just by looking at me if I have one, and keeps asking until I told every important bit of it to him. I think we both are used to it. It's quite logical from my viewpoint, as he really can give me useful advices. Once I told him he understands me better then my parents, and he was quite shocked...

I've always found that talking about my problems as a waste of time. Why would I talk to anybody about my problems if they don't let me find my own solutions. I'd rather solve my own problems than talk about them excessively. My mum always told me that I could come to her or my dad if I had a problem. I didn't after a certain age because I didn't want to appear as being weak or getting in trouble for expressing my feelings.

I'm not surprised by this. I kept my problems to myself until recently.

The article is largely correct in my case. I have never had any use for just talking about my issues. Be it with a friend, a psych or someone else.

I don't mind talking about them, but that will strictly be because someone asks and is just interested. I do not expect to gain anything from it in the way of solutions. I told my psychologist this a while back. I don't think she was very amused, but it did lead to me being assigned to someone else (a man incidentally) who has a much more practical approach to issues. He just asks a few questions which drill right down to the core of the problems and comes up with useful practical solutions. No needless talking abut feelings required.

Well I think fears of embarrassment and appearing weak does play a part but I agree to not seeing the use in just getting something off your chest and "talking" about it. If talking about something can get somebody to help me with whatever problem I'm having then I can see the point but in of itself bringing them up without resolving them just makes them worse. I'd rather just disassociate myself from it when dealing with other people.

___

I agree with the part about excessive problem pondering causes anxiety and depression. Dwelling tends to do that.

I get the impression therapy involves too much drama at times. I watched a show about hoarding. A man with a hoarding disorder talked to a therapist on camera and she kept prodding him about problems he was having with his kids and she prodded the kids to see if they had an unhappy childhood, was it unusual, what did their dad do to cause them trauma. They kept telling her it was perfectly normal and they thought their dad was great.

Later the daughter said on camera she thought the therapist tried to create drama and I agreed.

Maybe men feel this way about discussing certain things?

What's useless to one person may not be useless to another. It's important not to discredit someone else's need to talk based on your own lack of need to talk. That's just rude.

To start off Im female. I dont find problem in general talk a waste of time, in fact I do it too much. I find it a waste of time if your not searching for a solution. If your just talking your problems just for the sake of making yourself into a sorry case so the other person will just say "its ok" or "everything will be alright" then your probably getting no where. When people do that, it annoys me cause I feel like I just wasted my time expressing myself.

In addition, people rarely understand me anyways so Im starting to find it a waste of time. Since NTs dont get me, talking about my problems often does more harm then good cause NTs find me so difficult to work with me. They dont often agree with my point of view. So Im trying to keep the problem talk for forums and psychs. Even yet, psychs dont seem to get me either so....