Page 1 of 1 [ 5 posts ] 

Jayo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,254

28 Oct 2012, 2:18 pm

An interesting topic: have you ever had to deal with someone giving you an ultimatum to the effect of "Look, either you fix this (Aspergers) condition you've got tomorrow, or that's it." Like, in the context of a relationship, be it job or personal. And how did you deal with it. I've had my share of it for sure...and such people are not sympathetic to the fact that "developmental disability", by definition, entails a very gradual process of trial-and-error to continuously calibrate oneself to a desired standard.



emimeni
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,065
Location: In my bed, on my laptop

28 Oct 2012, 4:43 pm

I'm not sure how a situation like that can turn out in any way except badly. And no, I've never been in one.


_________________
Living with one neurodevelopmental disability which has earned me a few diagnosis'


rachel_519
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 25 Sep 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 143
Location: Earth

29 Oct 2012, 11:58 am

I think the best thing you can do in that situation is to accept that it is not your fault and move on. Sometimes you just can't make a situation work out, especially not if the other person isn't willing to cut you some slack. It stinks, especially when the relationship or job is really important to you, but you can't change the fact that you have AS, so don't let them make you feel any worse for it.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 120 of 200 ; Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
Self-DX: Extreme Introvert, possibly with ADHD-Primarily Inattentive; Official DX: Generalized Anxiety Disorder


cherrycoke
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 78

29 Oct 2012, 6:54 pm

I had that when I was younger. My parents took me to be diagnosed even thought I didn't want to, I got a diagnosis of aspergers then it was literally "there, you have your diagnosis, now stop having it".



Callista
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2006
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,775
Location: Ohio, USA

29 Oct 2012, 7:07 pm

Well, in that situation, you go, "That's it, then," and get them out of your life. If they seriously think they can fix AS by making an ultimatum like that, they're not the sort of person you want to hang around with.

Even in the cases where you need whatever they're holding hostage, or at least very badly want it, it's still a sign that they're eventually going to deny it to you--you'd better learn to live without it. And if it's a relationship they're holding hostage, then the relationship is already too damaged to survive.

I'm being absolute about this mostly because AS is something you can't change. If they're trying to force you to change it, they don't know much about AS and they're unlikely to be willing to learn. Eventually, inevitably, you will lose whatever they're threatening to withhold from you. It's just a matter of time.

A less global ultimatum is not nearly so foreboding, though. It's common enough for parents to say things like, "If you don't start helping out with the housework, I'll make you get your own apartment," or for a spouse to say, "This marriage is over if you don't address your alcoholism." Those things are things you can change (or anyway, work on changing), and in those situations, the question is whether you think it's worth changing them to please that person, and whether that person can be pleased to begin with--whether you could ever really be good enough for them. And it also depends on whether you're capable of making the change in question. If you're truly not capable of helping out with the housework (or hiring somebody else to do it, or helping out with something else so that the housework is less of a burden), then it does come back down to "Get rid of the Asperger's or else", and you're back to the original, much more problematic, situation.

When somebody does that to you, you have to ask yourself what they want out of you and whether it's something you can give and are willing to give. If they want too much, or you can't give what they want, then you're at an impasse and the relationship probably won't survive in its present state. Luckily, many relationships do survive a split like that--children move out but come back to visit parents, or spouses divorce and remain friends, or roommates split up but stay in touch. I'd be willing to bet that they are actually more likely to survive a split if you don't desperately try to change yourself and please the other person. Relationships where one person is never good enough for the other just end in bitterness, but if you split up knowing that you're just not compatible, it'll be much more amicable.


_________________
Reports from a Resident Alien:
http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com

Autism Memorial:
http://autism-memorial.livejournal.com