What's with AS and being so frakking honest!! !

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shrox
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14 Sep 2011, 11:46 pm

I often find myself wondering if some really minor thing is wrong, like taking some paper towels from work. Even though the owner said while I am getting moved in, I can use any supplies I need, I still fret a bit about taking them.

And why is lying so hard? And once I know something, I can't pretend like I don't. What's with that!! !



cathylynn
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15 Sep 2011, 12:33 am

overhonesty (not crude or mean, just too honest) cost me a career 15 years ago. you can bet your sweet bippy, i'm more tactful and careful now. i've always been good with keeping other people's secrets, but have usually had none of my own. even that has changed. i'm not telling my doctor i have asperger's. i've learned these things late in life, but better late than never.

as far as not wanting to take the paper towels from work even though you have permission, that seems more of a self-esteem issue. try telling yourself you deserve a little help as much as anyone else. i guess it could be asperger's, as in not knowing when it's okay to bend the social rules, something else i've gotten better at with age.

taking risks and practicing in social situations is excruciating for those of us with asperger's, but, for me, it has finally begun to pay off. at age 52, i married someone who is neurotypical but introverted. that is still good 2+1/2 yrs on. i got a part-time (full-time people-to-people work is too draining) social work job at 51. that is still good 3+1/2 years later. i've even begun to do some public speaking, something i've avoided even by drastic means most of my life.

there's still something odd about me. i have to be careful not to stare. i process emotions slowly. though i've recently learned to do some small talk, i'm quieter than most. i wiggle the fingers of my right hand unconsciously. despite all this, these days, things are good and i doubt the casual observer would guess that i have a social learning disability.



cathylynn
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15 Sep 2011, 12:37 am

it's good that you're taking the paper towels, even though it's uncomfortable. next time a situation like this comes up, it should be a bit easier.



League_Girl
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15 Sep 2011, 12:41 am

What's wrong with taking paper towels from work? If the owner says it's okay, why is it still wrong to do?



abc123
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15 Sep 2011, 1:23 am

I once used the word "overqualified" in a job interview. I fret wondering what I might say as have to try and hold the image of being positive and not say what I really think but what is acceptable.

At work we took stationery from clinics to use in our own research patient notes. It was from somewhere with a separate budget but we did also pay money into a general hospital budget and the notes were used elsewhere in the hospital. I had trouble with this unless I asked someone. I dropped us in it as took some without realising there might be an issue with it and a staff member called me up on it.



CanadianRose
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15 Sep 2011, 3:21 am

shrox wrote:
I often find myself wondering if some really minor thing is wrong, like taking some paper towels from work. Even though the owner said while I am getting moved in, I can use any supplies I need, I still fret a bit about taking them.

And why is lying so hard? And once I know something, I can't pretend like I don't. What's with that!! !


It might be that Aspies use "rules" to understand social situations.

Generally, the "rule" is that we don't take items from work to use in our personal lives. However, this is one of those seemingly million ++ "exceptions" to that rule. The boss has said it is okay. However, you might still be thinking in terms of the general rule, "Don't take stuff from work to use at home."

This applies also to the trouble keeping secrets. As a rule, you say what you know and answer honestly. However, in reality the "rules" around sharing information are very complex.



auntblabby
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15 Sep 2011, 3:46 am

if i see something grossly wasteful, i will take whatever steps i can to minimize the waste and extract maximum utility from the situation even if it is officially frowned upon by the stupid management. deliberate waste is a form of dishonesty.



marshall
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15 Sep 2011, 12:12 pm

I think the word you're looking for is conscientiousness, not honesty. I do think most people on the spectrum are more conscientious than NTs. I know I sometimes clash with my father over issues like this. Of course it seems like in this world those who are the most honest and ethical always finish last or end up being screwed over.



MrXxx
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15 Sep 2011, 12:43 pm

shrox wrote:
I often find myself wondering if some really minor thing is wrong, like taking some paper towels from work. Even though the owner said while I am getting moved in, I can use any supplies I need, I still fret a bit about taking them.

And why is lying so hard? And once I know something, I can't pretend like I don't. What's with that!! !


I don't have any problem with it. Why pretend? Pretending things are okay that I know, or at least feel are not okay has caused me far more stress than outright honesty.

I tend to think that if the owner told you it was okay, he owns the stuff, so he's got the right to allow you to use anything he owns.

I can tell you that certain things about that situation might bother me. For example, if it were my manager, and not the owner, I wouldn't do it since the stuff doesn't really belong to him. On the other hand, the paper towels belong to the business and using business supplies for personal use, even by the owner, is often at the very least unethical if not illegal.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I've never done or wouldn't do anything similar. I have, and probably will again at some point. But if there's something about the situation that bothers me, that's my own conscience talking, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

What's with that?

Simple!

You've got a conscience!

You shouldn't have any problem with that. But I don't think you do have a problem with that per se. I think the real problem is that you did something that bothered your own conscience and that is what's probably more likely making you feel bad. Not that you have one, but that you do things sometimes that go against it. If it bothers you enough, don't do that.

I find it much easier to live by my own conscience than to try to be like so many others are who have taught themselves to ignore it and not let it bother them.

I used to ask myself "What's up with my strange inability to not let it bother me?" I'm a lot older now and for me that isn't the question that ought to be asked. The better question is, "What's up with all these people that ignore their consciences and DON'T let it bother them?"


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15 Sep 2011, 1:04 pm

shrox wrote:
I often find myself wondering if some really minor thing is wrong, like taking some paper towels from work. Even though the owner said while I am getting moved in, I can use any supplies I need, I still fret a bit about taking them.

And why is lying so hard? And once I know something, I can't pretend like I don't. What's with that!! !


Aspies generally do the right thing because that is what they are here for.... to shine a light forward at a time when the world is imploding under NT tyranny.........

Its cosmic eh?



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15 Sep 2011, 1:36 pm

When I did volluntary work at a charity shop last year, I used to take home things from donation bags, like videos or DVDs of old films that I can't find in shops, or children's films what I feel too embarrassed to buy. Also I've took home bracelets, books, you name it. I knew I would get into trouble if anybody found out, but I'm not honest enough to tell anybody.
But all the others there were more honest than me - if they wanted something they liked, they asked first, then had to pay. It's a little ironic there - I was the only Aspie (as far as I know) and I was the most dishonest!


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YellowBanana
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15 Sep 2011, 1:48 pm

I am really struggling with being "over"-honest at the moment.

Wish I could shut up but my fingers just keep typing regardless (not really able to speak much at the moment).

HATE HATE HATE it.


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Ellytoad
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15 Sep 2011, 3:07 pm

My conscience is so powerful that it's downright distracting. I'm working on loosening it up a little. I've finally stopped worrying about the supposed immorality of looking at strangers' public social network profiles. Stalking, is it? Now I can open several tabs of them and cackle gleefully as I go.
"If it doesn't do any harm..." is swiftly becoming my new motto.

As for honesty, I've experienced a lot of guilt in the past related to saying just the slightest white lie.



shrox
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15 Sep 2011, 3:31 pm

The paper towel thing was just an example. It just flashed in my mind while I was gather cleaning supplies, and it got me thinking about other examples. Like whether or not to look in the cabinets at the doctors offices. I never have, but I did swipe and use a Q-tip once.



ScottyN
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16 Sep 2011, 12:11 am

We just have to live with ourselves. Our honesty is our devilry to other people. Since I am being honest, that is a quote from Nietzsche.