My Theory On Aspie Loneliness

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What is Loneliness?

Loneliness is Mother Nature’s punishment for not socializing (Social Climbing) or finding a relationship (Procreation). I assume that if mother nature didn’t use punishments then the human species would have died out, because everybody would just stay at home and do their hobbies.

Depression is often just a cover for loneliness in many Aspies. We know that Aspies have to survive lots of social isolation but also believe Mother Nature uses extra punishment (Loneliness) to get Aspies out of the house and socializing and find a partner when really all they want to do is stay at home and do their hobbies and interests.

I know this is the case for me, my biggest interest is programming. I am excited about using ScreenScrappers to automate some tasks at my workplace I also using MS-Excel in a relational way because my workstations at work do not have access installed. But what am I going to do tomorrow? Go Salsa, and dance up and down and stuff.

What I have learnt goes against what many NT say about being content being single. And when I am in a position where I don’t need someone in order to be happy, then someone will find me.

The truth is, if I don’t need to be in a relationship in order to be happy then I am not going to bother to find a relationship period. Who needs all the time wasting going out on dates wasting large amounts of money, risk have to bring up children because protection fails, all that emotional baggage, and all those social demands when the want of hobbies and interests are stronger like they are in many aspies.

If you are like me, look at the sacrifices you have made: Have you bought trendy clothes( spending lots of time and money in shopping malls), have you moved way from home( spending more money), spend lots of time and money grooming. Bought a car (spending more money) spend time in bars and clubs (more money). For any NT out there do you really think I would go through this hell if I only just wanted to be in a relationship and not desperately need to in order to be happy (non-depressed).

I understand what you are saying and you do bring up some good points. However, what about those people who do go out and try to make friends and they still get shunned. I know because this used to happen to me. I would go out and try to be friendly to other people and they would still act snotty and turn their noses up in the air.

That's why I prefer to stay at home and keep to myself because I don't have the time or the patience to beg somebody to be my friend.

I think out desire for relationships comes from pure envy of the socially successful people we meet, deep inside we like to be alone, and that shows in everything we do, in the way we talk, in the way we walk, in the clothes we wear, even in the food we choose to eat, and NT's pick that up and leave us alone, which is the way nature intended us to be. If we wanted to be sociable we would have to change all those little things we do and do it the NT way, but that has been shown to lead aspies to a miserable and stressful life, so what do we do? (to be or not to be... )

Must we suffer our whole lifes? How come all the aspies I've met in real life looked happy from the outside, including my father who lived with me for twenty years? Do they secretly cry at night too? Because here in WP we all seem to be living in hell. Maybe the answer is to stop thinking about it and just live... I just hope I find the answers before I die. Meanwhile I'm entertained by the thought that all NTs cry too, maybe it's not an aspie thing and all living beings feel pain...

Loneliness can exacerbate depression but aren't there many NTs who are married, have children, a big house, car, money, the whole shebangabang.....and they still come down with it? After all, depression comes from a chemical imbalance that's genetic, not necessarily because one is lonely.

Depression brought on by chemical imbalance is an ILLNESS it is brought upon by the body not working how it should, it often happens to the old. Exercise and diet can help fix the body thus this chemical imbalance. I am sure this can happen to Aspies as well as NTs

Loneliness depression is NOT brought on by a chemical imbalance. With loneliness depression the body is working perfect, even though it decides to block the chemical responsible for happiness. Just has hunger is a punishment for not eating food loneliness is punishment for not socializing and not doing what Mother Nature intended.

You can add that to my list of why I would prefer to stay at home rather then go Salsa. I did say that Mother Nature often uses severe Loneliness as a punishment to get Aspies out of the house but also Mother Nature uses the same punishment to keep them out there too. Because as soon as I stop needing anyone, I would go straight back home and do some hobbies.

The reason why Aspies are not good at socializing is because we are not wired for social interaction we don’t follow the crowd by nature; we follow Truth, Logic and Science. As soon as we start following the crowd we, be begin to compromise this way of thinking.

Envy more of an NT thing, it is a social status thing. Example an NT is envious if he live in a 2 bedroom house while everyone else lives mansions, but content if he lived in a 1 bed apartment while everyone else lives in cardboard boxes. It is all to do with how far up the packing order they are. As an Aspie, I am bigger then all of that.

If I don’t have enough money to achieve my goals then I am unhappy and if I don’t find a relationship to get me out of Loneliness depression then I am unhappy.

Aspie_Chav, I also think you can get really desensitized to that natural punishment just by actually having enough experiences, seeing the right things, and coming to certain conclusions about people in general when that happens - maybe not so much about having guyfriends but I mean relationship-relationships. My depression was just out of control as a kid because I was raised in this bubble where my parents raised me to feel good about myself as long as I was doing the right thing, being a good person, and what was happening to me with almost anyone else made absolutely no sense and it drove me crazy. As I got older and more recently when I understood just how irreconsilably f'd up we are as a society it really washed a lot of that depression and loneliness right out, now while its not to say that I wouldn't mind meeting people on the level I could go without just as easily.

Relationships (friendships) make life more fun. Which is way nobody whats to start a friendship with someone who's down; it's no fun.



You shouldn't go out in public wearing rags (I have done it plenty myself).
You don't have to spend a fortune either. It is important to wear something that you like.

Having your own home shows that you are responsible, independent, and mature.
If you are unable to develope the skills, even with profession help, you always be dependent upon some else for your well being. Keep that in mind when considering the type of relationship you want so that you are looking for someone willing to meet your needs.

How much effort you put into dressing, bathing, and grooming IS a reflection of how much you care about yourself. The problem with not caring how you look shows that you don't care how you look.

A bar is about the worst place to make friends. If you go to a bar or club with the intent of making a friend, odds are you'll be disappointed. Instead, you should go somewhere to have fun. And if the right girl sees you having fun, she'll want to meet you.



Relationships don't solve depression. Relationships are so that you have someone to share your life with. How would you react if someone came up to you out of the blue and asked "Hey, can I share my sadness with you?"



I'm going to be presumptuous here. 1) If these people had approached you, would you give them the time of day? 2) Assuming you were truly interested in these people and hadn't blown them off earlier, could their behaviour be related to how you act towards them?



Friendship is about mutual interest in each other. Not begging for someone to label you as friend.



If you don't SHOW interest in someone, they KNOW that you don't want them to bother you.



They could be debated. But more importantly, you haven't met someone that seemed interesting to YOU.



Because a lot of Aspies put friendship up on a pedastool, making it a goal that they must reach to be happy with life.

The second you drop that idea, and instead go out to have fun, around other people who have similar interest, life will be much better.



Genetics simply affect you susceptability. Your thoughts and activities affect the hormones and neurotransmitters in your body. And hormones affect you thoughts and activities.



There is no chemical for happiness. Just a set of thought and neurotransmitter activity.



You shouldn't go out to don't something that doesn't make you happy.



Have you thought about sharing your hobby? Even online?



The wiring in your brain isn't static. Otherwise you would be unable to learn new things. Life isn't black and white. And Truth, Logic and Science lie in some very grey areas.

And here we have an example of Truth with a capital T.

Too many people think the way they think the way they feel is permanent it cant be changed or requires some outside influence to alter.

The human brain is constantly rewiring itself.. otherwise you would never think never have ideas and have no memory.

You are the one who ultimately decides what your mind becomes and who you are.

What you call loneliness I call a longing for being considered "normal" by others and being accepted which stems from your own self-deception convincing yourself that you need their acceptance.

The only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. If your happy being you then you wont mind being alone. Only those who dislike their own company require the diversion of interacting with others and if you dislike yourself then you need to fix those things about yourself you dislike not expect others to do it for you.

I know how you feel. I've never understood how you go out and be nice and still get rejected. I've suffered with that alot of my life. I have been able to make a few friends who share a common interest wth me, but still, it has been hard.

One of the few places I've ever felt comfortable are in online forums like this and chatrooms because in these places, my words are what matters, and nothing else. In these places, I will be listened to and only condemned for my words, and nothing else like in the outside world.

Don't expect anything to come too soon and eventually it will come. The Messiah ain't coming overnight, and there is no easy answer to loneliness problems. Try to meet people with similar interests. You're likely gonna make friends and maybe even lovers eventually, but don't jump the gun on thinking you've found someone who's gonna be your companion forever. I personally follow Philip K. Dick's philosophy in thinking that time is simply an illusion. Focus on doing well in the present moment, and before you know it you'll be hanging out with many friends. This is coming from a fellow aspie who has several friends (admittedly most of them are also aspies and none of them could be called neurotypical) that I've made over long streaches of time, but it was worth it since I now have some really cool people to be with if I'm feeling lonely (I also had a girlfriend, but we started going out too young and too soon and we broke up and it pretty much taught me everything not to do in a relationship).

Ive found friends are like dogs.. chase them and they'll just run faster, ignore them and act like you dont care and dont need them and they'll trot right over and do their best to get your attention.

If you act like your having fun without them they cant stand being left out

to be lonely you have to let someone make you feel that way. find the answer to this one and you'll never be lonely again

For some odd reason I've found that I really don't have that much of a problem making or keeping friends - keepings probably the bigger part because I don't meet people real often who I'd wanna hang with but when I do we stay in contact for years at a time. I think part of it might be that yeah, they have to call me maybe 60 or 70% of the time but I also think that my sincerity, the fact that I don't bring drama, I have a way of finding real people and they respect me on a lot of those qualities even if I'm not exactly the life of the party always. Downer of course is that my ability to be somewhat smooth is real in and out - sometimes I'm having a lot of fun watching a movie, drinking, shooting pool, or whatever with em but the days that I'm kinda down and out or stuttering I'll definitely get that vibe back from some of them like its really leaving em flat.

On women though, I'm still keeping em at arms length. I have girls interested here and there but again, it requires a much more flawless social performance than I can usually pull off and for those who still are interested in me who I've been able to keep any kind of speech problems or social skill issues kinda on the downlow with - so much the better. Its aggravating to be at a point where now I have em interested and can't do much about it but oh well, I'd like to think that as the years go on I'll get that much more crafty about moving myself foreward around my obstacles so that my fluxuations in brain chemicals and what not won't be an issue.