Dating Advise for a Student

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I currently tutor a high schooler who is on the spectrum. I have been working with him for two years. He recently told me that he has a crush on a girl at school, and asked me for advise about what to do. What advise should I give him?

Well, kind of light-touch the situation. That would be the standard advice, right?

And by the way, Welcome to Wrong Planet! As a tutor, I will count you as aspie-friendly, and I for one think you could contribute to a number of topics here.

Thanks for welcoming me. What a great resource and community!

His biggest fear is that he is going to say something stupid. I told him that most people say something stupid when they have a crush on someone. His response was that he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and so he doesn't really say much to her, even though they eat at the same lunch table. I told him most people have that issue, but he doesn't seem convinced that this is true. Any thoughts on helping him understand that he is experience what every 15 year old boy (and girl) experiences?

What country and city? How is his level of functioning?

need more info

Tell him to watch this series. No, seriously.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcNE3yx_3D8[/youtube]

15 year old boy. Aspergers. Minnesota.

level of funktioning??

Reminds me of my first crush. I finally got up the courage to tell a girl she was beautiful, I never felt so awkward in my life. I wish I hadn't!

tl;dr: crush bad. Friendship good.

Looking back, I SHOULD have done four things.

1. Forget romance for now. Decide if the crush is someone you can easily chat and relax with. If she is, do it. If not, find someone else. Such people do exist, but you have to look for them, look at girls you would normally ignore. look for the quiet Cinderella type. Find one you can talk to without any pressure!

2. Assuming the "can talk to" person is not the "got a crush on" person, you need to forget the "got a crush on" person. That is easily done. Just visualise talking to her and everything goes wrong, you feel awkward and want to die, and then some NT guy comes along and she forgets you instantly. Leave it alone. It is not worth it.

3. Talk to the other girl you can talk to. Forget romance, become friends. That will give you the skills and experience you need. Again, I stress, forget romance, just get used to relaxing together. You need friends first. Without friends of the opposite sex, romance will always be a disaster.

4. With time, either you will grow to like the "girl you can talk to" or she will help you and give you tips in dating the another person. If you are genuinely relaxed together that will be fine. I repeat, you need genuine friends of the target sex, or the romance thing will never happen. And the best romances begin as friendships anyway.

5. The main thing is that you need to be constantly talking to a girl. Month after month, year after year, you need experience. A girl must not be a rare thing you talk to once every six month, a girl should be someone you talk to all the time and go out with every week. Being relaxed around someone beats a date with a crush any day.

At least, that is what I would tell my 15 year old self. I am now in my 40s, and was married for 19 years to a girl I had a crush on, but we has nothing in common and after the first year it was horrible. You don't need a crush, you need someone who likes just hanging out with you. Big difference.

Well, if he's sure she isn't "taken", he can start by trying something small. Like smiling at her whenever she looked at him, then she'll smile back, you know, establish a friendly connection. Oh and try his best to do some eye contact.

Since they eat lunch together, they can start with talking about food. Then he can figure out what she likes and dislikes, maybe come up with a suggestion of something she might like for a date idea. "Wanna have pizza tonight?"

Once he can be alone with her the conversation is easier, aspies usually do pretty decently with talking to just one person.

Lots of boys screw up by asking a girl out before she ever noticed or thought of them, then she would automatically say "no" like a reflex, unless the boy is very popular or very handsome. If he build up the process and make the girl aware that it's coming, hopefully that'll give her time to consider him. Sometimes if she's absolutely not interested or "taken" she will give hints earlier on instead of a blunt rejection.

Unfortunately from what I heard nerdy guys tend to get a lot of rejections. Their odds of asking girls out is pretty low, even lower for maintaining a successful relationship. A nerdy friend said he was always ready to be rejected when asking, and don't expect any girl to stick with him for more than a couple months. You just gotta remember there are all sorts of different girls out there, and to keep trying. It's like lottery and you just might hit the jackpot. He did, he's now happily married.

Tell him to offer the girl his name and phone number on a piece of paper and ask if she wants to go to a movie on a Friday or Saturday night.

This would only work if the girl's already interested in him. I myself have rejected plenty of guys who tried that, because I didn't want to go out with guys I didn't know well. Many young women are quite cautious and wouldn't want to date guys they hardly know.

I suppose 15 year old girl might be different from a 20 year old girl living by herself. Teens are more rebellious and worry about safety less. Still you want a girl who'd smart and prudent, right? Not just someone who would sleep with anyone who would have her.

If they eat at the same lunch table, maybe they know each other well. It's time to take action and give the phone number and ask her out on a date. It's the only way to know if they are interested in you or not.