My Girlfriend is Aspergic, I don't know what to do.

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LikesToRaveDave
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28 Sep 2011, 2:22 am

Hi, My name is Luke, and I'm 15 years old. I am currently going out with a girl that recently found out that she is aspergic. We have been going out for 6 months, and its been a rollercoaster. At first, she was fine, really nice, funny, we had a great time. But then about3 months into the relationship, things started to change. She started to do things, that would upset me when she knew it would. She would go meet up with someone that said they wanted her to cheat on me with him. Or not get angry when someone asked her for sex or something. It's almost as if she doesnt care. She will break promises. And expect me to basically avoid every girl in the universe except her. Then not do anything to stop seeing people that like her and I know will take advantage of her. My problem is, I'm not sure if it's her or the aspergers that's doing this. I went on a holiday for 6 weeks and when I got back I was told she cheated on me on 3 seperate occasions, she swears she didnt and gives reasons on why she didnt. She says she cares, but I just dont know anymore. I've fallen out with friends and family members, because I'm getting hurt a lot, but I miss the old her, I miss her when she was alright with me. But now I'm just constantly stressed. And I dont know what to do.



League_Girl
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28 Sep 2011, 2:34 am

It sounds toxic and she sounds very controlling and a hypocrite. Not letting you be with other girls but yet she can be with other people. I would lose the girlfriend and go find someone else. It's possible she is being told those things. I can remember kids trying to get me to do mean stuff to other kids and I'd be confused because I wouldn't know why they were telling me to do it. Why couldn't they do it themselves? Even in high school kids would ask me to beat someone else up for them or to pull the fire alarm for them and I always refused. That's because I knew better. Kids actually thought I'd be that dense and do it. I guess that be a form of bullying but I don't see it that way since I wasn't tormented.


But I would still lose the girl. I don't care if she is being told to do those things or if she is being manipulated, you shouldn't stay in that relationship just because she has AS.



LizzyLoo
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28 Sep 2011, 2:45 am

I have a 15 year old Aspergers daughter and she would not do those things, neither would my Aspergers husband or son. Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour no matter what label you have.

She is not treating you properly and it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship to me. Move on hun, life is too short.



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28 Sep 2011, 2:56 am

Abandon ship. Get away from her.


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GaryOak
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28 Sep 2011, 2:59 am

Aspergic? Never heard of that one, but it actually sounds much better than the other labels. I think I may use that.

I'm also glad to see you really care about her, it sounds like you want to be with her and see her old "self." You may have to eventually draw a line when it's enough though, but there is a chance this can work.

League_Girl wrote:
It sounds toxic and she sounds very controlling and a hypocrite. Not letting you be with other girls but yet she can be with other people. I would lose the girlfriend and go find someone else. It's possible she is being told those things. I can remember kids trying to get me to do mean stuff to other kids and I'd be confused because I wouldn't know why they were telling me to do it. Why couldn't they do it themselves? Even in high school kids would ask me to beat someone else up for them or to pull the fire alarm for them and I always refused. That's because I knew better. Kids actually thought I'd be that dense and do it. I guess that be a form of bullying but I don't see it that way since I wasn't tormented.


But I would still lose the girl. I don't care if she is being told to do those things or if she is being manipulated, you shouldn't stay in that relationship just because she has AS.

I'd listen to this girl if things don't work out.
In the end you are going to have to confront her about it. That will be tricky and you will have to be really careful about it. I'm a guy and I'm in a relationship but my girlfriend is not aspergic. All I can advice you is to say it plainly and get ready because it may turn out emotionally draining. Just say how you feel LIGHTLY, don't confront her telling her she is a hypocrite to her face (you probably already knew not to do this though.) Another big factor is how her friends influence her, she could be doing this stuff unknowingly because she is influenced by a bad crowd.

You did mention those guys that wanted her to cheat on you. They are the last people she needs to hang out with. It may help to say to her that these guys will never be there for her in the long run and will use her every step of the way and give examples. If she has AS then there is a chance that she doesn't know any better. It may help to talk to her more often and go into more detail about your relationship and how to work on it.

Again, I've only been in one relationship that is still going on and we have been together for over a year. But In the end you may have to draw the line and let her go if she is causing you an extreme amount of grief. It's her choice in the end to hang out with these guys unfortunately.

Anyways if you give anymore information about the situation we may be able to help you more (if you want to of course.) I'll be looking at this thread daily.



incorrigible
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28 Sep 2011, 6:08 am

Did they put her on meds prior to the behavior change? Meds can be very helpful, but drastic changes like this aren't uncommon with strong prescriptions.


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Wayne
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28 Sep 2011, 7:34 am

I see a few options here:

1. Break up with her.
2. Threaten to break up with her if she doesn't apply her own rules to herself.
3. Apply the rules she actually observes to yourself. Hang out with whoever you want, openly, Level the playing field. If she can't handle it and you stick to your guns, she'll either stop being a hypocrite (one way or the other) or break up with you. Either way, your problem is solved.



proxybear
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28 Sep 2011, 9:34 am

Stop being such a tool.

Break up with her.



kx250rider
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28 Sep 2011, 10:45 am

Luke, She may have Asperger's, but honesly, based on how you say it's going, the Asperger's has nothing to do with what she's doing. Once an Aspie knows that something they do is bothering you, and they still do it on purpose, that's not part of Asperger's. It might be borderline personality disorder, or other issues, and it could just be meanness that has nothing to do with Asperger's. Aspies do things that bother people because we don't know they're doing it, or we know we're doing it but don't know it's bothering anyone. Once we are told, we can usually do something about it, and definitely not do it more or worse. I'm not a professinal, but done a lot of reading and been in therapy for 20 years, and I think your girlfriend might have other issues going on besides Asperger's.

Or, it could be something as weird as maybe she knows how you feel about her, and she doesn't want to be the bad one and break up with you, so she's doing these things so you'll break it off with her, and you be the bad guy. Anything is possible, and one thing is for sure: You're going to be miserable and go crazy if you are held in this situation the way it is, without working on it together with her and fixing it, or maybe ending it before it gets worse. I was in a relationship kind of like what you're saying, for NINE YEARS. I wish I had seen the truth right away, because now I can look back and I see that the relationship was doomed after about 3 weeks, but I wasted 9 years waiting to act on it.

I hope the best for you, and I think the only thing you can do is talk to her, and tell her how you feel about her, but also say that you care about yourself and your own happiness, and she must work with you and not deliberately do things to make trouble if she wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. If it doesn't work, just know that every other person who has ever been in a relationship, feels like it's the end of life when the first one comes to an end. And we all feel like "this one is different, and I won't get over it", but we all somehow do.

Charles



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28 Sep 2011, 12:00 pm

Just like anyone else people with Asperger's can be winners or losers - she's clearly more the later.

You wouldn't accept this kind of behavior on the basis of diabetes, don't accept it from her.


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Ellytoad
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28 Sep 2011, 12:25 pm

I'm probably totally clueless, but her behavior, social enthusiasm, and dishonesty don't sound like someone with Asperger's at all.
But whether she has it or not doesn't change the fact that it's time to let her go for good. She sounds nuts...



N0tYetDeadFred
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28 Sep 2011, 2:14 pm

I agree with everyone else...unless, of course, she's telling the truth.

Her not paying attention to people who proposition her, and being obsessed with you, could be aspie traits. Lying is usually not, but not impossible.



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28 Sep 2011, 2:41 pm

Sounds more like she's simply suffering the symptoms of being a selfish cow rather than something particular like Asperger's.



techstepgenr8tion
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28 Sep 2011, 2:53 pm

Tequila wrote:
Sounds more like she's simply suffering the symptoms of being a selfish cow rather than something particular like Asperger's.

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