The Ups and Down's of being a Loner

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I am somewhere between loner and not-loner. In classes, I'm a loner, and I don't mind, because it helps me concentrate on my work better, as opposed to everyone else, and I mean EVERYONE else in my classes, who sit there talking to their friends and how do they get any work done like that?! Because all I hear them talking about is who's going out with who, what's happening in the weekend, gossip about others (which is sometimes about me). I hardly ever hear anyone talking about their work.

However at other times, when I'm not in class, I actually hang out with a group of friends. It's a small group, two year 9 girls and my LFA friend. So yeah, I can be a loner, but I also hang out with friends too. The best of both worlds. =)

I haven't read the whole thread but...

Personally I like to concentrate on the "ups" of being a loner:

Less poor and more money in bank account.
No petty drama over trivial misunderstandings.
Less sensory overload.
I can go wherever without arguing on where to go.
I can do whatever without arguing on what to do.
Minimal social anxiety (no one judging or trying to "fix" you)
Minimal external influence (good or bad)
Home is a sanctuary (nothing is worse than someone trespassing in your personal kingdom).
I can practice my special interests without being judged.
I can stim all I want without looked at as weird.
Generally I feel more relaxed when alone.

Alone is better. Hands down.

It's not to say you won't suffer from loneliness... but it is better than getting hurt. And you WILL almost certainly get hurt if you try to make friends-- by people who aren't nice and will stab you in the back, or perhaps more often, by people who mean well but just can't handle the intensity and social awkwardness of an Aspie.

This isn't to say that you can't make casual acquaintances, or "friends with benefits". If you resolve to not take interpersonal relationships too seriously you'll be OK.

*********************************************************************************

Check out "Problem Child," my memoir of life with autism.

I came of age during the 1980's, the "BreakFast Club" era. During this time period, people with similar interest gravitated toward one another, jocks with jocks, marijuana users with marijuana users, popular kids with popular kids, nerds with nerds, and sometimes an individual would belong to more than one group. Your generation is of the Technological age; the advent of the internet brought you easier and far reaching communication capabilities BUT it also decreased the need for group gathering and face to face communication. As a result, your generation is having a harder time finding and developing the social skills that are gained through one to one and group to group intimate contact. This is what is occurring to people where socialization is second nature to them so you can imagine the consequences of this happening to those who already have major problems in this area.

I want you to remember something, it isn't just YOU and it will get better. A lot of what is occurring is the result of the changes in OUR society.

TheSunAlsoRises

I would hate being a loner. Having friends is great. And I have AS, it's not like it's impossible to have friends with the disorder.

No, it's not impossible. As a matter of fact, it's highly likely to occur IF you put forth effort. Look at what's available to you, try something old or new, and go for IT.

TheSunAlsoRises

it takes the right kind of effort. if one cannot work smart rather than just hard, one is just wasting one's effort.

So you think friends are a waste of time?

I don't recollect advising anyone to work hard can you point that out to me. I would say, looking at what's available to you, is working smart.

TheSunAlsoRises

my language was imprecise. what i meant to impart, was that in my case i could not [for reasons still opaque to me] do the right things in order to be more popular IRL.

my point was that it is not enough to put in effort at something but that it has to be the right kind of effort. telling folk to just keep plugging away ["try something old or new"] without being more specific doesn't help those folk. some people need a precise map or list of the right things-to-do-and-not-do, to get from point A [loneliness] to point B [good friendships]. i know i sure coulda used something like that when i was young.

You made an assumption that I believed putting forth effort meant working hard. I don't. I advised that he look at what's available to him, and to try something OLD and something NEW. In doing so, I covered ALL his options in at least trying to explore different things. Without specific details, i can't advise him on what he needs to do specifically and i want.

I'm pretty precise with my language; nowhere did i advise the young man to work hard and just keep plugging away. It's what you read into my message.

TheSunAlsoRises

Being in a relationship would be great but you've got to remember it more hard work than keeping friends. You've got to always be there for a loved one and work through disagreements, and have less time to yourself.


I really do love this.

Being less stressed, less poor, less drunk, having less stomach aches from eating exotic food and having MORE time on special interests is my preferred way to live. I've still got friends and see them maybe once or twice a month, or maybe once every three months. It doesn't bother me. I get to spend a short time with them and then return to my sanctuary. I remember once I spent a lotof time socialising and I started to forget things I read about. I couldn't even write the same.
And yes, being alone means you can just be yourself. Though I usually stim more in crowded areas.

I've enjoyed being a loner mainly because I was never completely alone: I always had family to rely on when I needed help, protection or just a little human warmth. At this point in my life I realize that family doesn't last forever: family members die, and because I have failed to form strong relationships outside of my original family, I'll soon be completely alone for real. It's not a pleasant prospect.

^^^
one is born alone, and one passes on alone. it is quite possible to be alone amidst a crowd. in fact there is no lonelier feeling than to be among other people and yet utterly disconnected from them.

This is what I've had on my mind, who's going to be there after my family is gone. I have no siblings, and don't want children so I'll be the only one left.