I hate being told to be myself

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I hate that advice for many reasons. The main reason I hate it is because people always tell me that when I'm asking for advice and they have no f*****g clue what they're talking about.

If I'm asking for advice on how to message or approach girls I want a few effective lines or icebreakers to get things started. Telling me to be myself isn't telling me anything. It's just a useless cliche. Same thing when I'm asking about how to make friends.

I also don't think there's such a thing as being myself. Is myself just the way people perceive me? That seems to be the case. It's just so insulting to me. When people tell me to be myself all I hear is "Be who I think you are." "Be pathetic. " "You don't deserve an answer to this question, go f**k yourself." "Be boring." "Be awkward."

When I have no idea how to act I'm basically asking for people to treat me weirdly. I'd rather just know what to do so I can just feel human.

"Be yourself" = "Accept whatever problems you have as part of your identity and give up trying to solve them".

Bear in mind people don't have to give you any advice. It's not a matter or whether you deserve it. However, neurotypicals will usually avoid like the plague saying, "I don't know", or "I'm not in the mood for thinking through your problem", giving instead vague and unhelpful, but socially acceptable answers. "Be yourself" is one of them.

I know from firsthand experience that, as an aspie, it's easy to feel mocked by these answers, but, the moment you realize they don't actually help you solve your problem, you should stop wasting your time worrying about them. They just mean you're not going to get more from that person, at least for the time being. If you don't want to multiply your problems, leave them alone and look elsewhere for a solution.

That's it. I do not want to make my social awkwardness/inability to talk to girls part of my identity. Same with my family life and current situation. I'm creating an alter ego that's seperate from all of that. I just have a hard time staying in touch with my alter ego because I spend too much time with my family. I just feel like their image of me is being forced upon me. It's very limiting. This isn't just an NT issue. I've gotten that advice on WP as well.

They don't know themselves either, they just "are themselves" and it works, for them.
This advice is useless indeed, since 'being yourself' hasn't worked for you so far.

The thing is: there are no 'rules' to follow, no 'perfect icebreakers'. As bad as it sounds, 'be yourself' is the best you can expect to get.

There is one improvement though, "Be the best version of yourself", or "Be who you would like to be", which is what they mean.

Actually, I think 'be yourself' is excellent advice. No one can keep up an act indefinitely, and if you try, you suffer negative psychological and physical consequences. (Depression, anxiety, stress-related health problems, etc.)

If you're looking for one-night stands, go ahead and create a false persona to get them. It's not that hard to keep up an act for one night, once you learn how. But if you want a long-lasting relationship, be yourself, because fake people tend to attract partners who won't like who they really are, and get dumped as soon as the mask slips.

The problem here is that you think who you are is something negative. Look for the positives in who you are. The only way for you to have a happy long-lasting relationship is to find someone who likes who you are, and it's a lot easier to spot someone like that if you like who you are, too.

As for how to start conversations, I struggle with that too. Maybe try looking for a situation where you naturally have something to discuss with them. For example, I can start conversations more easily with classmates, because we can talk about the class. Also, if going on a date, try scheduling an activity that doesn't require talking before an activity that does (eg movie, then dinner). That way, you can talk about the first activity during the second one. You really just need some sort of crutch past the initial shyness, and then once you relax you can start talking naturally with them.

Yeah, I don't get it.
Your "self" is who you imagine yourself to be.
So really, you can decide to be anyone you like and that will still be your "self".
Your "self" is a fabrication.
It's totally fake.
If it wasn't, people wouldn't be able to change, would they?
Your self isn't fixed.
It's only when people start to perceive you in a particular way that you get locked into that role.
And if you're not consistent with that role people will accuse you of putting on a persona.
So the self becomes not so much about you as it is about other people's perceptions of you.
And then people say "be yourself" which means "be something else".
I say screw that.

Just because people can change doesn't mean you can decide to be anyone you want and actually be like that. There are limits to how much one person can change.

For example, if a person has a cognitive disability, they can try hard to learn, but no matter how hard they try, they will still learn more slowly than an NT does.

Studies into temperament show that children who are shy and timid at 3 months will still be shyer on average when they're 18 years old. Even if they really work hard not to be shy, they will still be more shy than someone who was born temperamentally bold and fearless and didn't try to change that.

Also, LGTB people can't change their orientation or gender identity, and many can't change how they express gender roles either. I've met a number of gay guys who are involved with women, each of whom say 'I love this woman so much, I'll change for her rather than hurt her by leaving'. Never works. Either they're miserable in that relationship and the woman notices and wonders if there's something wrong with her that her husband isn't attracted to her, or they end up cheating on her with a guy, or they eventually come out and break up with her. It never ends well.

You can change a certain extent, but push it too far and it starts hurting you or just plain proves to be impossible.

My main goal right now is to have a series of short term casual relationships. I don't care about having long lasting relationships at the moment. Once my personality improves I'll go for longer lasting relationships.

I agree. I spend waaay too much time around my family and not enough time around other people. That makes my "self" feel very limited. I'm getting very sick of that "self". When I put on "personas" it doesn't drain my energy. I actually gain energy and feel way happier. Maybe my personas are myself and "myself" is just a persona. In that case I agree with that advice.

"Be yourself" is a deeply confusing suggestion, but a german writer commented that, after years of confusion about the implications, he reached the conclusion thar, what is actually meant is: "pretend you're in a situation in which you can play a role you're used to".

I like that sentence, it covers all the identity issues and implicitly explains a bit of humam behaviour.

Choosing to be or not be a certain version of oneself, changing, if you will, is problematic in the sense that one's self-image must be agreed on by the other party in this interaction.
You can be the coolest dog around, but your mom just won't start treating you like that, so 'change' is sometimes hard in an environment in which your role has been assigned to you, and there is no reason for your environment to play along.

I find that being myself is best reserved till after they know me a bit. Else they may write me off as too weird.

I heard that cliche a lot. too & I also hated it cuz it wasn't giving me any real advice. I wouldn't be having problems in the 1st place is the real me was seen as being so great.

I struggle with this but only because I'm having trouble getting a job. I get conflicting advice. Some people tell me to be myself others tell me to fake it. Neither works for me so I just can't win I guess. I gotta do one or the other right?


In your case of trying to date someone short term, I think it doesn't matter what you do. Just be a reasonable person. You can be yourself or create this whole persona if that's what you know how to do (I don't know how to fake anything but if you do go for it) As long as you're not a total jerk, you could get a girl. You probably know this but let the girl know ahead of time what you're after because you don't want to string them along.

I'm a female, but I think I understand where you are coming from. You just want to meet people, maybe have a fun light relationship. You don't want to make it something full of expectations. You don't want to get ahead of yourself, you just want to enjoy yourself and have people see the good in you, as well they should. I get that. Is this what you mean?

I think when people say "be yourself" what they really mean is "don't be the same as everyone else."

Don't bother with "effective lines." At the best they are innocuous and boring, and most girls will be familiar with, and tired of standard pick up lines by the time they are 16 (yeah, that's a rant for another day). Instead of being one of these people, be different. Say something clever. Novelty is sexy, at least if you ask me. For instance, I am on a boring dating website. SO many guys say the same thing:

"Hi, I like your profile."
"Hi, how was your day?"
"You seem interesting. Want to know about me?"
"blah blah blah WEATHER."
"blah blah blah WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

None of these things will get you in trouble, but none of them are very interesting or novel either. I much prefer this conversation I had with a random guy in a fast food place the other day:

him: "Hi, can I take your order?"
me: "I'd like a large fry and an apple pie."
him: "Anything else?"
me: "No thanks, I can only order in rhyme."
him: "..."
me: "Haha, sorry that was a terrible joke."
him: "In that case, would you like a coke?"

..and then I wanted to have his babies.

I think what they mean is to be honest and state your true opinions (if they're not mean) and you will attract people who like you for who you are. But I have problems with this saying, too. My problem is that "myself" is not necessarily appealing to other people. I'm not one of those people who are oozing personality and charm. I am shy, anxious, and prone to lose my temper and have meltdowns. It's really hard for me to think of things to say that will interest other people. That's why I might say things like "how was your day"--because I can't think of anything else to say.

There's already way too much of people being themselves. My neighbor's daughter who lives with her sometimes and is the same age as me (38) was being herself last Halloween when she dressed up in a She-Ra costume and posted it online under her real name with an attached blog about how much she hates her mom.

My other neighbor likes to be himself by keeping the same old moving blankets over his windows that have been there for EIGHT YEARS with a tiny hole poked through them pointed at my house.

I think everyone should try just being regular people unless they're in some kind of personal conversation which would make it suitable to trade information about interests and opinions. I usually try to have this mental check before I open my mouth: "What would a normal person say...?"

I feel it's important that I be myself at all times, no matter what. That way, people will know what I'm about. Having said that, I also like to think before I say something.