Rationalizations

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One thing comes to my mind, which I would like to talk about and would like to hear other's experiences.

When did you realize you are not like the rest and that this difference is because you function differently and not because others are hostile, stupid or mean. I realized that in my early twenties. Before that I always rationalized in this way, since I was 1st grader:

''Others are mean and I am good'
''They can't understand me because I am smarter''
''Things they do are stupid so why would I do them''

These rationalizations only made me more hostile towards others...But few years ago I tried to ''forget'' these rationalizations so I tried to communicate, participate and I went to parties. At that moment, I realized that it was me who cannot function well in many social settings.

So, it took me a long time to realize this. Of course, it took me even longer to even begin suspecting ASD. I was born before Asperger's was in DSM and in a country where psychiatry is rather conservative so - if you finish school, and college and have good grades, you can't possibly have something on autism spectrum.

At least you rationalized it in a more or less positive way. I didn't. I internalized everything and felt really horrible about myself for a long time. I think I was 26 or so before I started thinking in a healthier way. It's still in process. I think I had an inkling that I was different at around 3 years of age. School was a definite confirmation of that. Now I am much kinder to myself, but much of the damage is done.

Yeah, it was a coping mechanism and because of it, I wasn't hating myself. Unfortunately it didn't prevent anxiety to kick in later.