Does this sound insulting to you?

Post Reply New Topic

Does this sound insulting to you:

"I'd like to stay with you for 24 hrs after your surgery but the idea of going back to your house is so depressing that I can't cope with it."

I sent this to Sis and she's not speaking to me. We're both in our 50's. I don't know why it's insulting. My best NT friend says it is insulting.

Help?

it depends on your explanation of why that would be depressing.

if you say it blunt out like that, itll sure come off insulting to anyone.

also it sounds quite confusing..

Yes its insulting because you are (to the NT mind) implying that there is something wrong with her home and her by proxy (for having such a home) it wouldnt have been so bad if you had elaborated more on why you find her house depressing.

Also we cant give you much input if we dont know why either (too noisy? She has pets or kids that bother you?).

You were honest and basically said what you were thinking (and what a lot of other people in a similar situation might have thought):

"I don't want to stay at your house because you depress me."

But you said it.

Instead of telling her exactly what you were thinking, you probably should have used some sort of excuse. Work, errands, etc. She would have understood that because it would be so trivial (NTs, care about such trivial things) And you probably should have at least spent some time at her house (you didn't mention whether you did do that)...if she is close to you (both interpersonally and geographically). Just the visit would have meant a lot to her.

Someone recovering from the stress of a surgery probably does not want the additional stress of worrying about whether she is driving people AWAY by being in the state she is in.

I suppose you could fix this situation between you and your sister by apologizing and shifting the blame on yourself. You might say, "I am sorry about not going--I didn't want to bother you with my tendency to become depressed easily--I knew you were recovering and I didn't want you to have some old depressed person like me around." Or whatever. Just accept some blame and do so by elaborating on what you originally said.

I can see why she might feel offended by this statement.

On the other hand I think it was right of you to be honest if you really did not feel like going to her house.

If you were prepared to go to her house, even if it depresses you, you should probably not have said anything. Just ok, and go.

Had you said it to me, I would not have been offended.

Yeah, it depends on the circumstances. Are you good friends? Did the person have some bad experiences at your house that would cause him to say that? Does he suffer depression? It's just easier not to take offense and ignore it.

IMHO, it's not insulting, but it is a little self-centered. 24 hours after surgery is not too much to ask. A week would be different. It may be very draining on you. Taking care of someone else often is. It's important to take very good care of yourself before and after, make sure that your needs are met. I feel we have an obligation to look after one another, to take care of each other. It's important to have someone to take care of you the first 24 hours after surgery. Who would take of you after surgery? Pay it forward. But remember, it's important to take care of yourself first. "You can't stock someone else's warehouse if your's is not full." Be selfish in order to be selfless.

IT depends on why she is having surgery. Is it serious? Is she scared? Does she need someone nearby? She probably really wants somebody because she won't feel well. If she is physically weak, she'll need someone to help her.
I agree, it's insulting to say out loud that you will be too depressed to care for her. If you are her nearest and dearest, then she may really need you.