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SkipNip
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26 Nov 2011, 10:47 am

I regularly offend people by saying "inappropriate" things but I only find out that they're inappropriate after I say them. An example: we were sitting around a table playing cards and I had a quote from an Australian movie going through my head so I just decided to come out with it, I said "get off the f****n road ya grimy c**t" in an Australian accent. Everyone was offended. There was a female there and she seemed to take the most offense to it. Why were people offended though? As a kid I remember watching my mothers friend cooking and I said what I was thinking "it looks like wasp larvae" and out of nowhere I get a smack in the back of the head and my mother starts giving out to me for talking about someones cooking like that. I was simply commenting on the physical appearance of it, physical appearance doesn't reflect the nutritional value or taste of the food so I couldn't understand how anyone could take that as an insult. I've noticed that something that would offend someone if said directly, may not offend them if said as a euphemism. Its as if they pay attention to how something is said rather than just focusing on what is said. Its very irrational in my opinion. We live in a so called rational society yet there are "bad words" that offend people. While I am careful of what I say because I don't like offending people, I think people should take responsibility for their own emotional states and stop allowing them to be at the mercy of petty external stimuli. Heres an analogy: I have some bizarre irrational contempt for Chinese people. I find their slanted eyes offensive. A Chinese person just being in the same room as me triggers all sorts of negative emotions. Is the Chinese person to blame simply for being Chinese? The way I see it, the offended person is to blame for allowing an unavoidable (in Western countries at least, poorer countries probably don't have many Chinese immigrants) stimulus to control their emotional state like that. Similarly hearing "bad words" is an unavoidable stimulus so its silly to allow them to offend you.



ValentineWiggin
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26 Nov 2011, 10:51 am

I think it a state of misappropriating a mental state to you that you don't have.

When NT's say a food looks like X (gross) thing, it's usually an insult to the food.
When NT's curse and call someone a c*nt, it's almost always meant to denote anger and/or misogyny.

The difference is that you are NOT NT.

I get the same problem, with people making up emotions and motivations for me based on their own interpretation of my words.
Totally agree- how you say something seems to be more important than what you say- bizarre.


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Ganondox
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26 Nov 2011, 11:51 am

Its because NTs are irrational and fail to realize that we are different from them and don't load are words the same way as they do.


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OliveOilMom
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26 Nov 2011, 11:56 am

Asian's don't have actually slanted eyes so much as they lack the fold for the upper lid.

Come on now, you knew somebody would point that out.

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26 Nov 2011, 12:05 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
Asian's don't have actually slanted eyes so much as they lack the fold for the upper lid.

Come on now, you knew somebody would point that out.

Frances
You wike some Kung Pao chicken go wif that post?!



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26 Nov 2011, 12:06 pm

SkipNip wrote:
Why are NTs so easily offended?

Because they're not so different from Aspies.


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mar00
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26 Nov 2011, 12:13 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
I think it a state of misappropriating a mental state to you that you don't have.

When NT's say a food looks like X (gross) thing, it's usually an insult to the food.
When NT's curse and call someone a c*nt, it's almost always meant to denote anger and/or misogyny.

The difference is that you are NOT NT.

I get the same problem, with people making up emotions and motivations for me based on their own interpretation of my words.
Totally agree- how you say something seems to be more important than what you say- bizarre.

Very good answer. And also you might want to have a look at PPR forum see how Aspies are doing in that regard.



Ganondox
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26 Nov 2011, 12:14 pm

Fnord wrote:
SkipNip wrote:
Why are NTs so easily offended?

Because they're not so different from Aspies.


HEY! What are you saying about aspies there! Why you little....(jk)


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dianthus
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26 Nov 2011, 12:19 pm

I've always been baffled by things other people are offended by. It's bewildering. Not just things I say but even just the look on my face, when I wouldn't even be aware I had any particular look on my face. And yeah it's something about the way you say things, rather than the actual words, because another person could say something very similar to what I said and everyone would be fine with it. But when I say it, somehow it comes off in a bad way.

The other question I'd ask is why are most people so easily amused? I say things that are not intended to be funny, but everyone laughs? Why?



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26 Nov 2011, 12:23 pm

dianthus wrote:
I've always been baffled by things other people are offended by. It's bewildering. Not just things I say but even just the look on my face, when I wouldn't even be aware I had any particular look on my face. And yeah it's something about the way you say things, rather than the actual words, because another person could say something very similar to what I said and everyone would be fine with it. But when I say it, somehow it comes off in a bad way.

The other question I'd ask is why are most people so easily amused? I say things that are not intended to be funny, but everyone laughs? Why?


Because when offensive isn't offensive it's funny. Go figure.


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26 Nov 2011, 12:26 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
I think it a state of misappropriating a mental state to you that you don't have.

When NT's say a food looks like X (gross) thing, it's usually an insult to the food.
When NT's curse and call someone a c*nt, it's almost always meant to denote anger and/or misogyny.

The difference is that you are NOT NT.

I get the same problem, with people making up emotions and motivations for me based on their own interpretation of my words.
Totally agree- how you say something seems to be more important than what you say- bizarre.


I second this.

If someone assumes you are normal, they are going to take your statements as if a normal person said them. They assume you are following the social codes of the particular context, and judge accordingly. And are, alas, wrong. But, see, if someone following the normal social codes said the same thing, they wouldn't be wrong. They just haven't figured out that you are following a different social code than them.


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26 Nov 2011, 12:29 pm

Someone got annoyed with me at work (again) today because they asked me 'what is a winter white?' and I answered 'a hamster'. The lady got grumpy with me and said 'yeah (in a DUUH kind of way), I know it is a hamster...' Then started to ask another question but before she even finished said 'Oh don't bother I'll go find someone else...' I still don't know what she was actually asking if she didn't want to know it was a hamster... Cage size? How big is hamster? I just don't get it!

Also we get a lot of people come into our rodent room thinking the gerbils are guinea pigs, so I don't always assume I am working with people who can understand all the biology... I am going to go memorise all my animal books so next time someone asks something like this I can rattle off 10 hours of information... but that might make them go as well! Can't win!


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Dae
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26 Nov 2011, 12:31 pm

The OP's question reminds me there's quite a case of 'you-need-to-kiss-my-*ss' here in the state I live in. There is an amazing level of the sense of (social) entitlement 'out there'. It's always such a huge relief when I find someone who has a sense of being 'humble' (this word NOT connoting someone who's resigned, being a 'martyr', or easy to take advantage of)...someone who's just more down-to-earth about themselves and others. A person who can and will occasionally laugh at themselves, occasionally voluntarily review their own interactional 'rightness', and who rarely takes their self too seriously. [omg, I am SO mangling this English! ...Sorry] Anyway. Y'all know what I mean?


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26 Nov 2011, 12:41 pm

Jellybean wrote:
Someone got annoyed with me at work (again) today because they asked me 'what is a winter white?' and I answered 'a hamster'. The lady got grumpy with me and said 'yeah (in a DUUH kind of way), I know it is a hamster...' Then started to ask another question but before she even finished said 'Oh don't bother I'll go find someone else...' I still don't know what she was actually asking if she didn't want to know it was a hamster... Cage size? How big is hamster? I just don't get it!

Also we get a lot of people come into our rodent room thinking the gerbils are guinea pigs, so I don't always assume I am working with people who can understand all the biology... I am going to go memorise all my animal books so next time someone asks something like this I can rattle off 10 hours of information... but that might make them go as well! Can't win!


She wanted you to describe it, I guess. I would have said "a hampster" at first too.


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Last edited by Ganondox on 26 Nov 2011, 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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26 Nov 2011, 12:47 pm

Dae wrote:
The OP's question reminds me there's quite a case of 'you-need-to-kiss-my-*ss' here in the state I live in. There is an amazing level of the sense of (social) entitlement 'out there'. It's always such a huge relief when I find someone who has a sense of being 'humble' (this word NOT connoting someone who's resigned, being a 'martyr', or easy to take advantage of)...someone who's just more down-to-earth about themselves and others. A person who can and will occasionally laugh at themselves, occasionally voluntarily review their own interactional 'rightness', and who rarely takes their self too seriously. [omg, I am SO mangling this English! ...Sorry] Anyway. Y'all know what I mean?


I think I get what you mean. I've had a couple different situations online where I'm interacting with someone appropriately, but some third party things I'm being inappropriate because I'm not showing enough deference.

One was, a comment on a message board to a friend who I'd had a lot of IM conversations with. I don't remember the comment, but something critical in some way, though in a friendly way. The thing is, I hadn't included any show of respect or anything in the post. There was no need to, within the context of our friendship. But our mutual friends reading, who weren't privy to our private conversations we'd had, they didn't know that. That one I actual found amusing. I understood where they were coming from. Understood their perspective and, as such, actually appreciated the sentiment behind their posts... respect for my friend.

The other one, another messageboard. This time, a comment about a musician who's also a friend, and who posted there. A straight forward opinion, and not particularly negative, and nothing the musician had any problem with. But another person (just one) got on my case. Apparently, I'd failed to treat the musician as a god, or something. I dared by honest, instead of treating the musician like someone I always have to show deference too.

That second one, it had to do with social hierarchies I think. And the silly idea that we can't criticise or say anything bad about those at the top. Thankfully, the musician himself is the humble type and doesn't expect to be treated as other than an equal.


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26 Nov 2011, 12:51 pm

Ganondox wrote:
Jellybean wrote:
Someone got annoyed with me at work (again) today because they asked me 'what is a winter white?' and I answered 'a hamster'. The lady got grumpy with me and said 'yeah (in a DUUH kind of way), I know it is a hamster...' Then started to ask another question but before she even finished said 'Oh don't bother I'll go find someone else...' I still don't know what she was actually asking if she didn't want to know it was a hamster... Cage size? How big is hamster? I just don't get it!

Also we get a lot of people come into our rodent room thinking the gerbils are guinea pigs, so I don't always assume I am working with people who can understand all the biology... I am going to go memorise all my animal books so next time someone asks something like this I can rattle off 10 hours of information... but that might make them go as well! Can't win!


She wanted you to describe it, I guess.


Probably. I just didn't read the situation properly. I had a chat with my carer and she has told me to say 'could you elaborate please?' next time I am in this situation.


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