How do you react to the death of someone close to you?

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For me, I get very attached to my animals. They're my best friends. When one of them passes, I am overcome with grief and anxiety, and cry almost immediately afterwards. The pain of loss is almost unbearable (but I do recover eventually).

With people, though, people I truly love, it could take me weeks (or even longer) to finally experience the grief, fully. If someone is sick, I might cry because I am anxious about them, but if someone has died, I don't cry. It takes me a while for some reason. Of course I am very sad, but I don't feel like crying.

What about you?

I'm the same way with my pets. I have two of the most adorable kitty cats that mean the world to me, and if anything were to happen to them, I would definately be upset for a while.

As for people, it varies from person to person. For my Grandfather, for example, I didn't experience any grief for him because he was in his early 80's and had Alzheimers, so my head was saying that he had a good life while it lasted. However, on the other end of the extremes, I had a coworker who died at the age of 21, and was a mess for about a month afterwards.

Tilkor

when my dad died, i had a good hour-long cry when i woke up the next morning. i think i needed to be alone to cry, which is why i din't do it the day he died.

I don't really react when people die. It's not that I don't feel bad or miss them, but I don't really mourn the way most people expect. I often don't feel any emotion I can identify.

With my pets, I tend to be fairly immediate. Often, my pets are a big part of my routine, and I know a lot of the pain I've had from losing them was losing the stability of their presence in my routines. That's not the only thing, though, but it is definitely a part.

I care, but I don't grieve like most people do. To me death is such a major event, it forces acceptance. Does that make any sense?

Humans don't die in my close family.

But when my pets have died it has utterly destroyed me for years.

My father's death resulted in me being messed up for quite a while.
- I was about 35 at the time

The week following his death, before and after the funeral, were like an anxiety vortex
- I was in pieces and functioning more or less on a basic survival instinct level
- I remember feeling very detached from what was going on and (of course) from most of the people around me

The first 2 or 3 months following his death were very painful and made it hard for me to work during that time.

I think it took about 9 months in total before I really got my head straight again.

My only and best friend died about two months ago. He was my age. First, it was a shock, after I read the email from his wife I was sitting there for a while, frozen, my mind was empty, there was complete stillness and emptiness inside me and around me... It was around 1PM. I was at work, sitting in my office, luckily nobody bothered me during that time. Then I started sobbing and I realized I should leave the office before someone walks in. So I went to another office that was empty at the time, I cried for like an hour, quietly. Then I felt a meltdown coming, I knew I needed to leave and go home a.s.a.p. I emailed my boss and few of my coworkers, got on my bike and went home. I was crying all the way. When I got home I bursted into even more tears and I felt like I need to scream. I lied down on my bed crying loudly until my face was red and swollen.

I was supposed to drive somewhere that evening to pickup a bike frame I bought on eBay. I didn't want to stand the guy up and thought maybe a long drive will help. I was crying all the way, I stopped by a state park, went into the forest and screamed for few minutes, then I sat down in silence listening to the forest. That helped. I was able to meet the guy and get back home. Then I took some extra antianxiety pills, I passed out and slept for over 20 hours. It was Wednesday, I stayed home the rest of the week and slept most of it. I was in a daze for the next few weeks. I would go into these moments of detachment, stillness and unresponsiveness several times a day. I still often cry when I think about him, lots of things like movies and music remind me of him. I feel the sense of unfairness that worthless people still breathe while he is gone. He left a 14yo son. He died in Poland and I was unable to go and attend the funeral, maybe even better this way. I didn't want to see him dead. When my grandmother died when I was 8yo, I saw her in the casket and I have vivid images of her dead, not alive. It bothered me my entire life. No one else close to me died during my life. I guess that's the advantage of not having close friends, eh? My dad wasn't close to me, I didn't care. My mom is 65 and in good health, I hope she lives at least another 20 years.

Grief is normal, and we all need to deal with it sooner or later. In my case, I probably don't show it much, but I feel the same grief and loneliness when I lose a pet or a family member. At my age (44), I've had to deal with it many many times (Grandparents, parents, and many friends, as well as countless pets). It never gets easier with experience, but it does get to the point where you can "put it in it's place", and go on living without falling all apart.

Charles

I felt grief when each of my relatives died. I just didn't show it. Last summer was the first time that I've ever shown grief. I was a basket case after one of my favourite Rock icons passed away and I had little family support.

My dad only passed away 2 months ago and i must admit i didn't show any emotion however i am grieving and it will take me quite a while to recover.

Thanks for your responses.

Last time it happened, I don't recall it affecting me, but that was a long time ago and I may be misremembering. Based on what I know of myself at this time, I consider it unlikely to affect me now, but obviously cannot say for certain.

If my dog was to die, I think I would break down completely. It's not that way I react to people though. My grandmother died about a year ago and sure I felt sad and so. But I don't remember crying much at all. Whilst my mom cried lots and that made me feel bad that I didn't have the "appropriate" reactions to her death. Before and during the funeral I didn't really feel much at all, except for a nagging feeling that I should have felt worse. Anyhow, when the urn was to be lowered into the earth it hit me that she was dead. I started crying and I realized that I missed her much.

Also when somebody feels down, is sad, depressed or something like that I don't know how to react properly. I tend to think in lines of, "If I was normal what would I do now?" or "What would a normal person do in this situation?" and so I react in a way that I think a NT would react, not the way I do react. It's quite messy and I usually sound or act weird. Which makes the situation even more awkward.

OMG im not the only one!! hahaha and here i thought i might be weird

When i was a kidlet I was absolutely gutted if any of my pets died, but yer I really dont have the same attachment to humans. More then anything I am upset that people i care about are upset about the person who died. i.e. i'd be more upset that my mum was upset about her husband dying then my actual stepdad dying.

I hate change. It shocks me, throws me off. The death of someone very involved in your life is one of the worst changes of all.

That said, I have never been particularly demonstrative in grief. I don't tend to cry or get depressed; and I don't cry at funerals. It's more like--well, you know how a dog reacts when his particular favorite person is away; how he keeps looking for him and can't figure out what to do with that person gone, because of how that person figured into everything he did? It's like that. Like I'm trying to re-calculate my life without that person, and it takes a long time to rearrange things around all the holes that have been left by their absence. It just feels strange and unfamiliar, more than anything else.