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Mitch8817
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07 Oct 2006, 3:09 am

I just wanted to discuss the 'lack of feeling' I seem to have, and ask if anybody else is this way.

I just don't care about other people generally, even friends. Take this for example: Last night I got a call from a friend telling me another friend had been in a car accident and was in critical condition in the hospital after being in a car accident - they didn't know if he would live or not. Now I've known this injuired friend for about 4 years and we've had alot of good times together, we're quite close. But I didn't really care at all - no shock or suprise or anything. In fact, a small part of me wished he would die so I could use it as an excuse not to talk to people for awhile (I'm getting sick of some people), or as a sympathy tool. It's horrible and disgusting to think that way I know, but in saying that, I don't really care. I think the problem is that I look at everything without emotion, trying to find ways I can best manipulate things to my advantage.

I think about this sometimes. I think it can be attributed to alot of emotional problems I went through a few years ago, when I actually truly did care about people. But unfortunately, after that, my views of things have been twisted into cynical and manipulative.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not a sociopath or anything, I do like making people happy and go out of my way to help people. But I don't get any warm, buzzy feelings from it - I do these things because I know they're right, and it's good to know that at least some people appreciate you.

Apologies for the ramble. Any comments?



MrMark
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07 Oct 2006, 5:34 am

Is it possible that you're in denial about the existence of certain less pleasant feelings within yourself?


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Emettman
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07 Oct 2006, 7:39 am

Mitch8817 wrote:
...Don't get me wrong though, I'm not a sociopath or anything, I do like making people happy and go out of my way to help people. But I don't get any warm, buzzy feelings from it - I do these things because I know they're right, and it's good to know that at least some people appreciate you.


That gets close to where I live.
I don't have a great wellspring of fellow-feeling which motivates me,
or on which I can rely to guide me through relationships.

But I have spent a lot of time thinking on ethics, society, personal interaction, and accept quite a high "duty of care." Even if I don't "feel" caring, that should be largely irrelevant to my actions, if they are to be moral and corrrect.

And I'm quite prepared to go against my feelings, if the "I" that works at a more concious level decides they are inappropriate.



pluto
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07 Oct 2006, 7:44 am

I wonder if there is a subconscious defence mechanism that switches off
emotions in order to avoid the equivalent of 'sensory overload'. I know I'm capable of having strong feelings about issues or people but sometimes I
think the head overrules the heart and tries to avoid complicated things
like emotions.



Mitch8817
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07 Oct 2006, 8:11 am

>>I wonder if there is a subconscious defence mechanism that switches off
emotions in order to avoid the equivalent of 'sensory overload'<<

Denial usually does this.

I try to look at things in a logical way though, beyond emotion. Because I don't have natural 'feelings', I've had to develop a really strong code of ethics and beliefs to guide my actions. This also makes my views very black and white, which is a supposed trait shared by alot of Aspies (does anyone else hate that name? sounds like a pet dog). Is anyone else like that? If so, care to explain?



Juggernaut
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07 Oct 2006, 9:17 am

I really hate the term as well. It sounds like a cutesy term for something thats not cute. Its awkward to say, "one who has aspergers" though. But to me, thats not "who I am". I define myself first and formost as a human being. Maybe a bit different, but person none the less. Theres a name for the collective traits I have, but I am an individual.



Mitch8817
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07 Oct 2006, 9:21 am

>>Theres a name for the collective traits I have, but I am an individual<<

Exactly. Aspie is really a group name, a collective. It strips you of your uniqueness and individuality and clumps you together into some group disorder. It is more a label than anything else I've found. I am not a disease or a disorder, I am a person with one.



Hovis
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07 Oct 2006, 11:08 am

I find it extremely difficult to care whether anyone except my immediate family even lives or dies. An uncle of mine was in hospital a while ago quite seriously ill, and not only couldn't I make myself care, I would forget about it completely during the day unless someone else happened to mention it.



Mitch8817
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07 Oct 2006, 1:50 pm

>>I find it extremely difficult to care whether anyone except my immediate family even lives or dies<<

Yeah, I'm the same, sad enough to say - that is, beyond my need for them (food, transport, safety, home). I really don't think I love anyone, let alone like them. I feel quite detatched.

But then again, I have alot of friends, so I am very fortunate (and I really feel sorry for those Aspies who have trouble in this area - thank god I'm funny, as humour is a really good cover for poor social skills, which I have managed to pick up somewhat in the mean time).



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09 Oct 2006, 5:16 pm

I can't say as I have ever thought of friend dying the way you have but as to the rest I understand where you are coming from. I have had feelings (or lack of should I say) in the past where I couldn't really care less about others around me. It was almost as though feeling anything for others is an effort or not mandatory or necessary in any way.


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09 Oct 2006, 6:04 pm

As I told my husband when we started dating "Dont get the wrong idea I dont "love" anything or anyone and I probably never will.. the most you can hope for is that I find your presence comforting and will tolerate you more than anyone else if you died I would miss you but thats about it and thats the highest form of emotional attachment anyone can hope for from me."

We ended up getting married so I guess he understands :P


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MelancholyBunny
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09 Oct 2006, 6:26 pm

As someone once said "Those who know us best are the ones who can hurt us the most". Which i see as being a good reason for keeping people at a distance, it's logical, though probably not healthy.



Juliette
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09 Oct 2006, 7:08 pm

Fraya wrote:
As I told my husband when we started dating "Dont get the wrong idea I dont "love" anything or anyone and I probably never will.. the most you can hope for is that I find your presence comforting and will tolerate you more than anyone else if you died I would miss you but thats about it and thats the highest form of emotional attachment anyone can hope for from me."

We ended up getting married so I guess he understands :P

Lovely to read...Hope you are both very happy.



Juliette
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09 Oct 2006, 7:22 pm

We tend to define ourselves(as HFA/AS adults) in terms of actions or objects, not feelings/emotions in an "internal" sense. This is why questions on being emotional such as "How do you feel?" & "How are you?" have no meaning to a HFA/AS person.



Aspie1
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09 Oct 2006, 9:26 pm

Fraya wrote:
As I told my husband when we started dating "Dont get the wrong idea I dont "love" anything or anyone and I probably never will.. the most you can hope for is that I find your presence comforting, and will tolerate you more than anyone else, if you died I would miss you but thats about it, and thats the highest form of emotional attachment anyone can hope for from me."

I'm amazed how touched I was by this. This pretty much how I define love, no more no less. In fact, I would respect a girl a lot more for saying this, rather for saying "I love you". Since I grew up in a highly controlling family, I never learned the concept of love as NTs see it; the only form of love I know is what Fraya pointed out.



Scintillate
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10 Oct 2006, 4:00 am

Generally what obsessed me (music/girls/certain thoughts) I would say I love, but then again how do we define the difference between love and.. overwhelming desire? Is there a difference?

I know a lot of us find it hard to care about people, but I bet you care VERY deeply about a cause, or about a certain mindset that hurts you because its so ignorant to the beautiful truth, or something that always felt "bigger" but was always called egotistical or over the top.

I did it the wrong way, I didn't care about anyone, so I destroyed about 10 close friendships I had, until I had nothing left, I had to learn how to care about my own brother through nearly risking it all, but nowdays, I know exactly what I care about, those on a journey, those I can inspire, those I can feel, the progress of mankind, the progress of spirituality, the way sound affects my soul...

Are these things about not caring about the "fellow man" or is it simply a different representation of this love? Maybe its a love that can feel so overwhelming it can only be given in different ways.

I definately feel people, but just don't care about what I'm told I should care about, my true friends come in and out of my life with no restraints, no restrictions and no expectations :)