HELP Devastated after watching this

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I am a neurotypical dating an aspie and this video brought me to tears: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHifXw7fQRg
PLEASE tell me that not all Aspies desire living in separate rooms.... I am so upset! I just have no words to explain how scared and sad I am about this.

You should probably ask your partner how s/he feels about having separate rooms. Better to find out sooner rather than later, especially if it is such a problem for you.

Not all of us desire to live separately. Some desire to live together, but end up living alone after having dealt with the unrealistic expectations of our Entie mates. It's easier to live alone and avoid the drama; or, as is written: "It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman."

Is that your quote?

I'm married with three kids. I don't necessarily need to live in a separate room, but I do find it very comforting to have a separate room to retreat into as needed. A home office, in my case.

I suspect my wife is also on the spectrum... she hates to sleep without me.

I don't ever see myself being in a relationship like that but ideally if I was we would both have our own rooms to keep our stuff and both sleep in one of our rooms most of the time unless one or both of us felt a need to sleep alone.

The people in that video did that because it was something they both wanted and it was mutually agreed upon.

Oops! Forgot the reference. It's from the Book of Proverbs, 21st chapter, 19th verse, and written by Solomon the Wise (See also PRO 19:13, PRO 27:15 and PRO 21:19).

Note how well it also applies to contentious men...

My husband and I live in separate rooms. He goes to the bedroom and my area is the living room. We also sleep apart. We have slept in the same bed but his snoring bothers me.

We still are in the same room together when he decides to come out to watch TV or be with our son.

Hi,

I can't answer for all aspies, but I know that I have to have my own room, and even then I'm not great at living with other people. That doesn't mean that I would always be in it, or never let someone else in, but I just can't feel better in a room that isn't mine. I want all my stuff to be exactly where I left it, if it is messy or neat, I want it to smell exactly how I leave it, and I have to spend a large amount of time recharging by myself so I can even begin to be around other people.

I agree with Ann2011, you will have to discuss it with your partner and see how they feel about it. Please don't be sad or lose hope of being able to work this out with the person you love, however it is important to be realistic about the other person. They aren't going to be able to change on some aspects of relating to you. I wish many of my past relationships had been aware of just that reality.

Good luck!

My Aspie mom has been married three times, and all three times shared a room and a bed with her husband. (Only the third marriage ended in divorce, and he was an absolute jerk so he deserved it.)

Why does the thought of not sharing a room "devastate" you? I don't really understand that. It's actually quite a common thing.

Apparently, in a survey done of NT couples, about one-fourth of all couples sleep in separate beds--
Article: Should Couples Sleep in Separate Beds?

Every spouse needs their own space, to some extent. When you're married, you'll probably want to do your own thing sometimes--go out with your friends, do your own hobby, be alone so you can think or solve a difficult problem. If you were always, always, always joined at the hip to your spouse, you would start to hate each other eventually. That would be true whether your spouse was NT or AS.

People with AS are often introverts. About a quarter of NTs are introverts; for Aspies it's more likely. That means that they need to be alone sometimes to relax, and that they like to socialize in small groups and prefer to get to know you one-on-one rather than hanging out with a big crowd.

So just like you will need some space, your spouse will also need some space to him/herself. It's really not too much to ask, is it? It doesn't mean they don't love you. It doesn't mean they don't like cuddling with you.

There are many reasons that couples (whether NT or AS) might sleep in separate beds, including--
A member of the couple snores or tosses in their sleep, sleepwalks or sleeptalks, or generally disturbs the other's sleep at night.
They want radically different sleeping environments--say, one person needs quiet and dark and the other wants to have a night light and soft music playing.
They have different sleep cycles, such as when one of the couple works the night shift.
They are asexual and don't have sex, so they don't need to sleep in the same bed. (Plenty of asexual couples do like to cuddle at night, I am assuming the two of you are not asexual.)
One of the two is a very light sleeper, has insomnia, or otherwise sleeps better alone.

Reasons specific to autism include:
Sensory sensitivity means that the AS member of the couple wants to sleep alone because physical contact with his/her significant other is so intense for him that it keeps him/her awake (intense, for the record, is not necessarily bad).
The autistic member of the couple needs a space to be alone and relax, away from people in general, or where s/he can engage in special interests.
The NT member of the couple needs a space where s/he can entertain friends and hang out.
Autism-related sleep disorders (insomnia, odd sleep/wake pattern, etc.) make the couple's sleep cycles incompatible.

When a couple has separate beds, the usual arrangement is that one member of the couple will sleep in a double bed in the couple's "regular" bedroom, and the other will have a single bed in a spare bedroom. It doesn't mean "no sex"; it just means that they sleep separately.

no not all aspies are like that, I very much enjoy sleeping in the same room with my girlfriend

I saw this before. I don't think you should worry though that's only 1 couple.

Ah, I hope that if I marry, my mate wants that. I need to sleep alone... seriously.

I can't sleep when somebody else is in the room. I really can't do it.

But don't forget how many wives Solomon the Wise had, not to mention concubines. And he wouldn't have been in the corner of the roof: he had a big palace.

I was married for 19 years and LOVED being with my wife. I wanted to be with her all the time.

Trouble is, she didn't want to be with me. I found that really hard to deal with. Finally I was the one who suggested divorce, because I could not bear the idea of making someone unhappy.

Aspies want love as much as anyone else. But sometimes it's harder to cope with all the baggage that goes with it. Keep it simple, and above all talk, and you'll be fine. better than fine. An aspie won't be down the bar with his mates every night, he won't be chatting up other women, he will be more honest and open. As long as you talk. You just need to talk. Everything has to be clear from the start. Which is no bad thing.