"Watch your tone"

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I'm very sensitive to other people's tone of voice. One of the main problems I have with my husband and my mother is the tone of voice they use with me. I've pointed it out many times, but they simply insist that they "mean nothing by it, I'm taking it wrong".

I've countered with "In a social or business situation between acquaintances or strangers, then that would be the case and I would have no right to ask that you change it to a nicer tone. In this case, because I am supposed to believe that you love me and care about my feelings, then my perception of your intent is just as important as your intent, so therefore if you do honestly care for me and my feelings, you will not use the condescending tone to me."

Now, I normally try and explain my feelings to them in simpler terms because neither one is very complicated at all emotionally, and I am. However, this doesn't work. "That tone makes me think you are angry" or "Your voice sounds like you are blaming me for that" only causes them to say something along the lines of "Yeah, it's always something with you." when I am simply trying to have a give and take relationship with them.

Well, yesterday both of them said something to me about my tone.

WIth my husband, I had just gotten out of bed late and reminded him of something that he had to do early that morning. He SCREAMED at me that it was only 7:30 and he had until 10:00 to do it. I said no, you have until 8:30, I read the notice. Then he got madder because he had to get off the couch (company is still not working this week either ::eyeroll::) and dress and go do what he had to do. When he got back he was still angry and he said it was my "tone". Knowing that I sometimes take a tone wrong, I did NOT point out to him that he just "took it wrong", I said "I had just gotten out of bed and didn't mean to come across like I was angry. I was in a hurry, I wanted to go turn the coffee on and then go pee and brush my teeth. I'm sorry if I came across in a way I didn't mean to."

THat is a pretty straightforward apology and says what I meant. Well, it wasn't good enough. Apparantly I now think he's a dumb***.

Oh Jesus, he can think what he wants, I explained it. I didn't explain or apologize in a snotty tone like he does either.

Then I went to my Mom's to use her phone. I try and avoid her, she's toxic as hell and borderline. I had called her the evening before to ask her something and it didn't work out and I had said "Ok then, buh bye" in a frustrated voice. Frustrated at the situation, not at her. Well, she was all in a mood and being horrible because of my tone for those four words the day before. She said "You don't have to talk to me like I'm demented!" I said "I wasn't, I was frustrated with the situation and it showed in my voice. If I thought you were demented I'd talk to you loud and slowly. I apologize if it came across that way" Of course I still meant the same as with my husband "I didn't mean that, you took it wrong" but I know that its possible to come across in a way you don't mean to.

Well, that wasn't good enough for her either.

My point, and question is this.

Do any of you have sensitivities to certain peoples tone of voice, and feel hurt or angry or defensive from it? If so, do you ask them to clarify their meaning and point out that it's their tone that is causing you to interpret it that way? Do they just get mad at you for it, or actually do something about it? Have those same people ever turned around and got all upset over one small instance of a tone they don't like even though they blow off the fact that you tell them very often that their tone sounds mean/rude/angry/hateful/whatever negative word you want to use?

I didn't put this in the Haven, even though I have the little story about what happened yesterday and it does sound like a rant or a whine over it. It's not. I'm not upset over it, it just causes me to shake my head and wonder about some people. I was wondering if anybody else goes through this, and if so, how do you handle it? What do you say to get across to them about it, or do you just let it go because in reality it's about like nailing jello to a tree?

I am horribly sensitive to tone, and I can't make my wife understand this. She could tell me anything if she could do it calmly, but if she starts to get a strained, loud, or angry tone, that really gets my adrenaline going and then things usually don't go great, but then that's my fault. I'm thinking, she talking to me in such a way that even the dog left the room.

I find that often people sound like they're yelling at me and they insist they're not yelling, and when I say it hurt my ears they insist they did not in fact yell. However, I also have these same people telling me I sound angry or whatever, and tell me I have to change how I talk so they won't think I'm angry when I'm not.

Always double standards.

Yep. At our house, tone is one of the main reasons for a fight. My husband's tone, that is. It ticks me off so bad we end up in an argument.

The tone I hate is the one that sounds like "Oh God, not you again! WHAT? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?? Nothing you say has anything of value!!" I can get that from something as simple as "What?" I will pick up on very subtle things, like a head movement, or a widening of the eyes, or a very soft sigh, or something. That, along with tone, makes me want to throw something at my husband. I threw the lighter at him yesterday after he kept on saying I had been trying to insult him. Hit him with it too! I told him "If I wanted to insult you, you would know it and your feelings would be very hurt!" He got up and acted like he was going to throw it back. I told him "Go on, bow up. Throw it back at me, I dare you!" in that same tone I use with the kids when they are on my very last nerve. He sat back down.

I rarely throw things at him, and if I do it's something like that. Nothing to actually hurt him.

Have you tried talking to her about perception vs. intent? At a time when tone isn't an issue that is. It did no good at all with my husband and my mother will do it just to irritate me (borderline), but with some people it would work. I imagine it would with any normal person.

By normal I don't mean any kind of AS/ASD/NT etc. By normal I mean someone who prefers not to offend unless they mean to, and would take other's feelings into consideration when reminded.

I thought my explination about how I perceive something being possibly different from how it's intended was good. I thought it was pretty simple, and explains why they may get an entirely differen't reaction than they expected at times. I try to watch mine, and many times I will preface something with "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at so and so, but ...." to explain my tone. I will also apologize for snapping or being snotty with my kids with my tone sometimes and explain to them why I was like that. They understand. They now do the same thing with others. I've raised them to be conscious of their tone and how they come across. My oldest daughter (18) will even say "Mom, stop sounding like a dinosauer, I didn't do anything!" and I'll understand immediately and apologize.

Then again, maybe I'm just fun to irritate cause I will go completely off at times when stressed. How that's fun, I don't know, but I do know that some NT's enjoy irritating others.

Yeah, I'm very sensitive to tone as well. When we were just starting a family, we came up with a list of "family responsibilities" like basic codes of conduct for how to relate to each other in our family. It's a very short list that we put on posterboard in the kitchen as a visual reminder to all of us. (unlike how we grew up, my husband and i don't believe the grown-ups are always right) They all center around respect for self and others. My big one is being able to say you're sorry if you hurt somebody else; wether you feel it's justified or not, it's not okay.

I try to apply this outside of my family relationships with mixed results. If I'm dealing with people that I don't know well, I have a very hard time building trust with them as it is. If they at all talk to me in a rude/condescending way, I am forever on my gaurd with them after that. My survival instinct kicks in-- whatever the reason (bad day, I misunderstood, they just don't like me) they stay on the "do not trust list". Everything they say to me after that I will interpret as having some hostile undertone.

I'm trying to condition myself not to internalise other people's "stuff" so much but it is VERY hard.

I do not like it when people raise their voice to me-it is shocking to me and my boss made a comment one day that he never had to yell at me-and that is because I make sure no one yells at me because I don't like being yelled at.