the reply "I need some time to think about it"

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I'm referring to "I need some time to think about it" as a line that you have used, not that you have heard others use. With the slower processing speed ascribed to Aspergers, during a conversation or dialogue, I have found that this response can be useful, but can cause mixed reactions when used.

I've used this reply with people who made spontaneous suggestions,, people who were short-term friends or girlfriends (no explanation required for the "short-term" status... ) and a lot of the time I got the abrasive reply "Why do you need to think about it?? Isn't it obvious??!" or "sigh...you really like to make things complicated, don't you?" , like they take it as an affront that I don't trust them or they want me to be more spontaneous. Well, I'm sorry, I got burned before, so I don't have the same trusting instincts that I once have and I don't have the processing speed to "size someone up" and decide if what they want to do, plan, sell, etc, is agreeable and in my interests as well as theirs. I'm not a stubborn ass but not a doormat either, but maybe they find my judgement on "which is which" is impaired.

Of course, the NT subtext of this line "I need some time to think about it" usually translates to NO. So maybe my NT audience is sometimes interpreting this line as a negative. The truth however is that I really do like to look for a win-win situation, I am not out to screw anyone or get screwed, but it takes me longer to see "the big picture" on the spur of the moment.

One time, however, I find that this response was amply justified. An insurance salesman interviewed me to get a bunch of details and personal info, he wrote it down on plain paper, then he said that he needed to obtain the forms of the respective insurance company I was leaning towards. The next day he told me he had them, he dropped them off at my workplace and he said all I have to do is sign & date and drop it off in his office, he would fill in the rest based on what I told him the other day. At first I told him I needed some time to think about it, then he resisted and said "well what's there to think about?? all you need to do is sign, I take care of the rest." This discussion continued on email the same day, when I still told him I needed to think about it, then he insulted me and said "I'm at a loss to determine your logic. You are making this more complicated than it needs to be, I thought you were serious about getting this life insurance package." So I got angry and emailed him back to forget about it and I'm shredding the forms. He flippantly replied "sounds good to me."

So, don't feel bad about telling someone "I need some more time to think about it" if it's something serious...if they are reasonable, they will tell you that they respect your wishes. However, in a context with friends, acquaintances, dating etc, you can expect them to say that they respect your wishes, but their nonverbal might say otherwise i.e. it might allude to one of those abrasive replies I mentioned earlier.

I need some time to think about my answer to this.

That's not a joke, not entirely anyway. I've had this on my mind a lot lately, and I need to process it a bit to write a coherent answer.

I have said it, and what I usually mean is not that I need "time" so much as I just need to be alone to think about it. I can't think over a decision while the other person is looking at me expectantly, or keeps talking at me constantly.

I also really need to "see" the information. I need to have it written down or put in a graph or a picture. Just hearing someone go over the facts verbally does not make things clear enough for me.

Your story about the insurance salesman reminded me of the last time I bought a car. The negotiation on the actual price of the car went okay. But things went sour when they started trying to sell me a warranty to go with it. I wanted to see exactly how the cost of the warranty was broken down and factored into the financing. The finance guy just kept rattling off a bunch of numbers at me, and it sounded like gibberish. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't just take his word for it and buy the warranty. In the end I refused to get it because he was too pushy and didn't break it down clearly enough for me. If he had given me a fact sheet, or a chart, and left the room for ten minutes so I could look it over, I probably would have taken the warranty.

A lot of salespeople think if they gloss over the details, most people will just go for whatever they are offering simply because it "sounds good". They think selling is all about talking and verbal presentation. They believe if they say the right things, they will make the sale, and it does work that way with a lot of customers so they assume that's the only skill they need to sell. But when they deal with a customer who is visually oriented, and/or needs time to process information internally, they are unable or unwilling to shift into a different communication style and they lose the sale. A good salesperson needs to have the flexibility to use different modes of communication with different people.

When the insurance salesman replied, "sounds good" it really didn't sound good to him at all, because he was losing the sale, but he landed on that phrase automatically because it represents his own preferred communication style. To him, if it sounds good, why think about it? If HE had taken the time to think he might have realized he was losing a customer due to his own obstinance.

This is very interesting. I've recently come to the same conclusion... as an undiagnosed who waffles back and forth between thinking I might have AS and wondering just what is AS anyhow (ie do these doctors really know what they're talking about?), I'm kind of on my own trying to work out how my brain works and what to do in these tight spots. And so, in my own slow way I've finally worked out that I think slowly. I have recently taken to telling the children that I cannot answer their questions until I get the car home and think for a few minutes, and sometimes telling them and others that I want to discuss it with my husband first. The latter is more embarrassing; not only does it make me sound like a 1950s housewife (I'm a stay-at-home-mom/seldom-paid freelance artist/aspiring writer, so that adds to the image) but it makes it look like I have a controlling husband. I have a friend who sees narcissism in every guy who so much as wants to know what time his wife will be home (go figure, people who care about each other ask about that, too) and I hate to even talk to her sometimes because of it. But my husband is a sharp, quick-minded NT who can remember things just because he wants to (that's bitten-by-a-radioactive-spider stuff for someone with my memory issues) and usually sees issues that I don't, or sees the issue immediately that I would eventually, so sometimes I really have to ask him what he thinks about things. Of course, there's also the Dad factor; when it comes to the kids, he knows nothing about some stuff, but in others he gets a vote. But I digress.

It's been a big thing for me to realize this. I'm sufficiently ornery to face any irritation that might arise from the statement that I need to think about it... People who respect others can also give them their space. People who cannot respect this need to grow up. In short, if they don't like it, tough. It's freeing, to realize that the biggest problem I have in conversation is in not being able to say what I really think on the first try because I'm not fast enough, and admitting it. I'm willing to tell people that, I need to think about it because I process slowly, and so far those who know that have no trouble with it. Admission of a weakness often forestalls criticism from others, I've found, and if you do it right, they don't get too patronizing either. But not everyone gets the full explanation.

Also good in conversation is reflective listening, answering people with a statement that pretty much says what they said. You have to rephrase, of course, and sound like you're conscious, but it really works. I like it because you don't actually have to come up with anything and no one looks at you like they don't know how to take what you just said. I used to think you had to have some code-book of small talk phrases but apparently you just have to be a parrot.

Nice going with the insurance guy, by the way. If you'd taken the insurance, I suppose that's the dork you'd have had as your agent... close shave!

When you put it this way, it does mean "No" because when you say you need time to think about it, you are basically saying no and then later on you change your mind after you have thought about it. You can still be saying no or be saying yes finally after you have thought about it.

I remember years ago my husband and I went to the timeshare thing and they would not accept "I'll think about it. They just wanted a yes or no answer. They even said that when people say they will think about it, it means no. I came on here and asked if it actually meant that to NTs and do NTs really mean that when they say it. I got told that it doesn't mean that but when they say it, they usually end up saying no after they had thought about it. So sales people do not want you to say you will think about it. If I come across any sales person, I just say no without giving it a thought since they won't accept me to think about it first.

Hello!

You and your husband are very wise. We must choose both our words and actions carefully -.in ALL situations. Salesmen, and so many others, prey on people who do not.

As for myself, I have evolved to the point where if anyone else has a problem with it, I see the problem as theirs, not mine. I do not necessarily see spontaneity as an asset.

Have A Great Day!

Rob

With yes/no stuff, I have to think about it because I want to say yes and I want to be sure that I am saying yes for the right reasons.

With other stuff, I just have to process the information so I can react to it. Sometimes a matter of both.

I really wish more people said "I need more time to think about it" than "Yes/No" snap descisions, but people can be insulted by your indescisivness, I can see why, I don't like people saying it to me when I just want a simple reply.

I also dislike yes or no questions that never get yes or no answers

I completely understand what you are saying, as I use this line all the time. As you say, people interpret this negatively as they assume it is just an attempt at a diplomatic "no".

I have to stall for time this way because:

1) I genuinely have a hard time understanding how I feel about anything. Many decisions are based on an emotional response, but I can't tell immediately how I feel one way or the other.

2) I'm very much pre-occupied with the here and now, so any change which is likely to be about the future requires much more mental effort than for most people. It would also require me to stop thinking about whatever my brain is working on now.

3) Experience has taught me that I have very poor judgement for snap judgements and spontaneous activities.

4) Being asked to make a quick decision stresses me out (maybe because of 1,2 and 3).

From my experience, when a typical person says that they need some time to think about it or "We'll see", that means "No".

This is it in a nutshell.

For my part, I can only add this: if indeed most of the world takes it as a NO, then I think it's time they found out the potential errors of making a snap judgment. If they don't want to consider the possibility that things are not always what they assume they are, then I'm afraid they're going to have to go on thinking I said no when I really said what I meant. I can't just go on making stupid, poorly considered errors in order to satisfy some societal assumption. I'm done with all these things everyone knows but me. As I don't know and couldn't possibly learn all the subtleties, nuances, sub-texts, and understood connotations, I must make my way in a way that works for me. Among those who work by rote, I must tip-toe across the endless repeating patterns of their daily interactions, blending with the fluidity of the group as oil does with water. So for the rest of my life I will hear what everyone else does with the unspoken condemnation for failing to do likewise. I accept that. I must. And I will have the time necessary to think or there will be no answer at all.

Well, thinking this over further Maybe a good solution is to "gift-wrap" your indecisive reply. You could say "Well, it definitely sounds like a good idea, I particularly like [pick two random positive attributes of the person's pitch], but I'm not quite 100% with it yet, I just need a moment or two to think it over [because of my circumstance X...]." Most reasonable people won't think you're brushing them off, they will feel flattered, and you've let them off the hook by ascribing the uncertainty to your personal circumstance, not accusing them of anything shady.

If you're talking in a personal rather than professional relationship, then you could drop the "definitely" in the example above, and change the "particularly" to "kind of".

Came up with that on my own...seeing the grey area instead of black-or-white

"...he said all I have to do is sign & date and drop it off in his office, he would fill in the rest based on what I told him the other day. "

My first thought is this sounds a bit suspicious. I think it's a good thing you said no to that salesman. It might have been completely innocent and he was trying to make things easier for you, but the fact that he got pushy indicates otherwise.

More often than not I'll tell people I need to think about it when making a purchase or signing something. I usually end up not doing it.

In social settings I don't use it because it can be taken as a lack of trust. The gift wrapping idea would probably work well. I've also delayed decisions by bringing up some other thing that I need to do in the near future. I'll say: Oh yeah, that sounds good, but I need to check on X first. X needs to be something important though.

If someone isn't going to let me think about it, I don't want their business so I will say no instead. This is good to use on sales people since many of them don't want you to think about it. They just want a black and white answer. If that is how they are going to be, don't give them their business. That is a rule I made up.

I try to tell people sometimes that they are overwhelming me with their speech/attempts to convey something, and ask them to slow down or hold on a moment, but no matter how much I try to explain or plead they just want to shove their dicks in my ear. There is a clear unwillingness to understand or accept differences in NT people.

i always need time to think about things