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chris1989
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10 Feb 2019, 1:00 pm

I sometimes feel like a loser because I don't seem to be doing things that someone of 29 years of age or in their other 20s are doing like hanging out with friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, going to a bar or nice restaurant with them, going, going to out for the day shopping with friends, seeing sights in the UK or somewhere nice abroad or somewhere exciting. And seeing it posted on social media leaves me to feel like I've just been missing out on life and wasted my time. The thing is I have few friends but they are not the going-out types and a couple have quite severe autism so they are not always social whereas I'm milder than them, when I go out its usually on my own or on a day out with family, I've been single for a long time and have only been friends with girls, I like being social but I won't go to a bar or club or somewhere as I wouldn't want to go on my own and clubs don't look like the places to go for me as the music is usually crap, that probably explains why I'm single because I won't go and try these places and probably shouldn't try those places anyway and I've only gone abroad or somewhere at home in the UK again with family and not any friends. And I don't know why but it leaves me feeling weird in head in public as though going out a lot to places with your mum for example you are considered a 'mummy's boy'. I get feelings of jealousy in head say if I'm somewhere in town on a weekend and I see guys with girls and girls with guys and it makes me think I'm an unattractive weirdo and that's another reason I'm single. I do sometimes think I'm not attractive because of my neck-long blonde hair and think my nose looks big when I look in the mirror. These teenage girls who asked me for something work thought I was weird but I thought they were weird because one of them was eating a cucumber from the grocers. It was easier to meet people when I was at school and college but I was not quite as confident as I am now.



Prometheus18
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10 Feb 2019, 1:11 pm

I can guarantee you that many people who "go out" aren't doing it because they enjoy it, but rather because they're told they ought to enjoy it, and they're told this by the mainstream media because it's a good way for big business (which controls those media) to make money.

If you enjoy going out, go out - by yourself if necessary, I often do - but if you're doing it just because other people do it, then a better priority would be working on your self-esteem so that you get to a point where you don't need external validation. Jealously is also something that you can use cognitive techniques to overcome; look up CBT worksheets.

I don't believe anybody can be happy who still has a sex drive/ is driven by a desire for romantic relationships, but you'll do a heck of a lot better if you search for a girlfriend who shares your values (whatever they are) than if you find a cheap woman in some bar or club (unless that really is your thing). It's true (lamentably) that this is the way most people now meet their "love-interests", but ask yourself how successful those relationships end up being.

As for your long hair, if you believe long hair on a man is unattractive (which is not to say that it is, but this is a subjective value judgement), then just cut it. Lots of people, including myself, LIKE big noses. One of the best looking men in television history, Telly Savalas, had an enormous Mediterranean nose - it just looks quaint and exotic.

Best of luck to you.


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The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
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Das Glück gehört denen, die sich selbst genügen. Denn alle äußeren Quellen des Glückes und Genusses sind, ihrer Natur nach, höchst unsicher, misslich, vergänglich und dem Zufall unterworfen.
- Arthur Schopenhauer


Fireblossom
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11 Feb 2019, 4:51 am

Eh, sounds a lot like my life if we ignore the fact that I'm a woman and a little younger than you. I think your main problem might be a bad self confidence, which leads you to just wondering what you've done wrong and what will go wrong in the future instead of just going out there and living your life. I'm not saying it's easy to do that, that you can just decide to be self confident from now on, but... well, if you don't try to do something then you'll most likely never achieve anything, either.

If you don't like bars and clubs, then don't go to those. However, if they're not overhelming for you then I suggest saying yes if someone invites you. You might actually like it in the right company or the right bar, and even if you don't you've at least tried and the person will be more likely to ask you to tag along to other places as well since you didn't say no the first time.
Bars and clubs aren't the only places to meet new friends and potential partners for young adults, though. What are your hobbies/interests? Are there any events related to them in your area/somewhere you're able to go to that you might meet new people in? In a place like that, the chances that you'd at least have something in common and something to talk about with the people around you are higher. Plus, even if you don't make new friends it still wouldn't be a waste of time because you'd also go there for the hobby instead of just trying to make friends.

I've also never traveled with friends... I mean I've done small trips in my homecountry on my own, but if I've gone abroad it's always been with family... I've never really had a problem with feeling embarrased about it, though. I suppose it depends on what one does and how one acts when with their family. If you're an adult yet let your mom make all the decisions and let her pay for everything, then I can see a bit where your problem comes from, but if you two make decisions together and both take part in expences then I see no reason why you'd be "momma's boy." In that case you're an adult on a trip with another adult who is more or less your equal. That adult just happens to be your mom.

It's completely normal to feel jealous and having such feelings is nothing to worry or be ashamed about as long as you aren't out to harm anyone because of them.

As for your appearance and being weird... well, is being weird automatically a negative thing for you? People usually consider me weird and they're probably right but, to be honest, I don't mind. Weird is just another word for unique and unique is a word for not being part of the grey (or white or black or green or whatever) mass. :wink:
Appearance wise, if you don't like having long hair then just cut it. If you find out it was better as long after all then don't worry, it'll grow back. There's really nothing you can do about your nose, but people whose appearances could be called perfect are rare and most know that. Just focus on the parts of your appearance that you can change and make them in to what you think looks the best.



SameStars
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11 Feb 2019, 6:18 am

I had some success with the app Meet-up, where there are different activities that you can join, so depending on where you are there can be a lot of choice. I'm meeting a lot of the same people, and it's nice to just be outside of the house sometimes. Not really made friends though, since I don't talk to them outside of the app-related stuff, but maybe someday.



Joe90
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11 Feb 2019, 3:29 pm

Quote:
The thing is I have few friends but they are not the going-out types and a couple have quite severe autism so they are not always social whereas I'm milder than them, when I go out its usually on my own or on a day out with family

I have friends too that aren't the going-out types. They aren't NTs (one has AS and depression, one has Fragile-X syndrome, one has autism, one has a severe paranoia disorder and possible ADHD plus she is a lot older than me). Some people at work are my age and they often do things together outside of work, but I'm rather excluded all because I am not interested in getting drunk.

Ok I do have a boyfriend, but it seems so much easier to maintain a romantic relationship than to maintain friendships for some weird reason. NT friends I've had in the past seemed to abandon me, giving me non-verbal messages that they don't want me around any more and then I never hear from them again.
That, or I've had men that fancied me and wanted to date me but I didn't fancy them back so just stayed friends, but ever since I met my boyfriend they got jealous and blocked me on Facebook - which I can understand and so I don't take that personally.

I've never been very lucky with friends. I had a best friend when I was 16, although she was a rather homely girl who didn't really come out at weekends, but she suddenly got nasty with me just because I wanted to go to college and she didn't. A few years ago I ended up working at the same place as her for a while and we did often chat, but she left and I never heard from her since. She was a bit strange anyway.


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