How can I deal with this sense of loneliness?

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bungleton
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28 Sep 2014, 11:18 am

It hurts. It's sitting there in my chest, just being heavy and kicking around. It hasn't lifted for weeks. Just that sense of disconnection and a heavy heart. I want to be loved. I met a girl about a month ago. I spent the last three days writing this shattered, 7-10,000 word long mournful love letter thing detailing my sensory issues and my feelings for her. I left it open to her as to where she wanted to take things. She replied with a picture of the 'let's bee friends' card from that old sipsons episode. I can't fault her for that. I wanted her to be honest. Still.. Heavy thoughts. I am sitting on the floor next to my bed. I have been ticcing a lot more than I am used to lately. My rigbt eye goes crazy sometimes. My left hand has joined the party.

I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, rock climb, socially active, volunteer work in alcohol and other drugs and mental health. I'm an avid musician and visual artist. I just can't shake the aching desire to be loved. To the point that I drive potential partners away, even those who may be interested if I just let it be. And then I feel alone. My alarm goes off in 5 hours. Still no sign of sleep. Just sitting. Sorry for being a downer, I simply hope for some insight from those who might understand the feeling ad how pervasive it is.



Charloz
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28 Sep 2014, 11:48 am

When I feel lonely I tell myself I don't need people... that I am perfectly happy just being by myself. I try to distract myself by doing other things and it usually works. Then I have a day of socializing and conversing and I find that, though I am tired at the end, I am feeling so much better for it! Then it hits me... that whenever I tell myself it's alright, I'm fine, it is actually just a coping mechanism and what I need is to occasionally get out there and meet up with people who aren't my close relatives\girlfriend.

Being all by yourself alone for a bit isn't so bad. It can be lovely, in fact! But try to mix it up a little. Even having a good chat with a friend online can already make you feel better, or a phone call. Until then, try to keep yourself busy. It's the best way, really. Lift, work out, write, create and keep on going. Try not to think and (over)think too much.


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redrobin62
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28 Sep 2014, 3:53 pm

I know how you feel. Loneliness eats me alive. too. These days I do force myself to get out of the house and go to the library. I also go for walks. Since I am in recovery I also go to AA and NA groups. They seem to help.



JSBACHlover
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28 Sep 2014, 4:10 pm

Don't fight it. Let the lonely hurt hurt you. It passes through you quicker that way.

If you hold-on-tight to your pain and desire for love, then love will escape you. Once you let go and stop looking for love, then love will find you. (Cf. John 12:24-25)


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B19
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28 Sep 2014, 5:39 pm

I am sorry for your pain, and know how acute that experience can be. It is a point of inner crisis, and in a way this can be a good thing, in that it motivates us to do things differently. And maybe that is your way out of this.

Can I make the suggestion that instead of looking for love, (for now) you look for friends, for groups where you feel a sense of connection, friendship, and develop respect, trust, liking for others and develop a sense of emotional safety as time goes by. You may have to experiment a bit before you arrive at the group that is right for you. Don't be discouraged if the first attempt doesn't work out - there will be a group somewhere, sometime that will be just right, and finding it can be an adventure.

One of the great ironies of life is that when we look for love, it eludes us most. And when we are not, it is far more likely to occur. So I wish you comfort for your current pain, hope for the future, and that you will find a place of connection with people who really gel with you.



psot2
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28 Sep 2014, 5:55 pm

As a female, I have been the victim of a man who tried to use me as a crutch to cure his loneliness. He happened to be an aspie and he thought he loved me, but I don't think he did. He went from writing me long love letters to being very verbally abusive after I rejected him (he didn't see how he was being abusive though). The main reason I found him unattractive was the fact that I felt that his whole life depended on me, and it was too much pressure for me to bear.

Later on in my life, I myself was guilty of doing the exact same thing. I fell in love with a person, and I used him as an emotional crutch. I felt like I loved him beyond imagination, but I pushed him away because of what I presume were the same reasons the previous person pushed me away.

So OP, my advice to you based on my experience is to try to find happiness without a partner. Try to find friends first. If you do find yourself a partner and become happy because of them, it means that you are dependent on them, which basically means you are using them. Your happiness will come at their expense, and they will eventually burn out. You need to find your OWN happiness before you can bring anyone else into your life.

I know this sounds like a lecture, and I hope I am not offending you. I am just giving you my honest opinion.

Good luck.



JSBACHlover
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28 Sep 2014, 8:07 pm

B19 wrote:
I am sorry for your pain, and know how acute that experience can be. It is a point of inner crisis, and in a way this can be a good thing, in that it motivates us to do things differently. And maybe that is your way out of this.

Can I make the suggestion that instead of looking for love, (for now) you look for friends, for groups where you feel a sense of connection, friendship, and develop respect, trust, liking for others and develop a sense of emotional safety as time goes by. You may have to experiment a bit before you arrive at the group that is right for you. Don't be discouraged if the first attempt doesn't work out - there will be a group somewhere, sometime that will be just right, and finding it can be an adventure.

One of the great ironies of life is that when we look for love, it eludes us most. And when we are not, it is far more likely to occur. So I wish you comfort for your current pain, hope for the future, and that you will find a place of connection with people who really gel with you.

Thanks B19, that's what I was trying to say, but you said it better.


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olympiadis
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28 Sep 2014, 8:16 pm

Many of us have cats.
There are so many stray and abandoned that really need someone to care for them.



MjrMajorMajor
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28 Sep 2014, 9:05 pm

JSBACHlover wrote:
Don't fight it. Let the lonely hurt hurt you. It passes through you quicker that way.


Very true. Acknowledgement without attachment is difficult, but empowering.



bungleton
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29 Sep 2014, 10:16 am

Wow, what a great set of responses. Varied and insightful. Thank you!
I dragged my arse to the gym this afternoon which felt good. I'd missed a week to get my head together; it was great to get back in there and realise that I hadn't lost any strength for it!

Charloz; sometimes I can get by with the whole, I don't need people thing. I'd been doing great til this girl came along :P
I ended up going for a bit of solitude and intrapersonal contact by working on some designs and running them by a friend this evening.

redrobin: I'M IN RECOVERY TOO HOW AWESOME
I don't do stepwork as I found that I couldn't deal with the pressure I put on myself to attend meetings-- I found myself starting to believe that I would relapse if I stopped going, so I thought that perhaps for my mind, it wasn't the best for me. I've elected to make my own program (with the blessing of my psychologist,) which closely models the steps but allows me to do it in my own way, with my own warped philosophy on life :P

JSBACH: Are you my psychologist? :lol: He recently urged me to recite the litany against fear from Dune when I was feeling overwhelmed and tempted to use drugs to try and ease the pain (futile! Doesn't work!!)

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.


B19: I totally agree. I'd gotten to a stage of being comfortable with being single and working away at my own projects without any expectation, going to the gym because it feels good etc... Then one day, I was at a house party, met this girl, caught up with her a couple of times and... BAM. Obsession. Ahh well. She seems to understand, or at least hasn't completely whigged out on me :P

psot: Your post made me stop dead and realise how it might feel to another who's on the receiving end of that kind of talk. So swept up in me, me, me, I didn't even consider how it may effect her reading it. Then again, that's probably part of the reason that I'm here.
Thankfully I left it completely open to her as to how we will proceed and she stated that we should be friends. It is up to me to honour that. She maintained contact with me all day today (unprompted by me,) so I think she's genuine in wanting to continue the friendship. I have to sorta combine a lot of the advice in this thread and continue on with my life and all the awesome things I do, be her friend, and 'let forever be,' as the Chemical Brothers would have it. It won't be easy for me as I tend to obsess about girls but it is possible; I'm learning, slowly.
Thank you for such an honest response, you really made me think about how and why I should back off and give her some room to breathe. In terms of finding happiness, my sense of pessimism cries out that it's pretty tough for me to be happy, but I know what you mean. Thankfully I've got some really fulfilling personal and creative projects to continue working on.

Olympiadis, I have definitely considered getting a cat (I would love it SO MUCH,) but unfortunately I have two issues: 1) I have no idea where I'm going to be living in a year let alone 5 or 10, 15, 20... Cats live for ages! and 2) I've been identifying as a vegan for ~7 months now, and don't believe that I should push my values onto a poor carnivorous kitty, but also wouldn't want to buy dead animal for it to eat... A massive quandary!



Coolguy
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29 Sep 2014, 12:07 pm

You say that you volunteer. That's good. Remember, no matter how bad you think you may have it, there is always some one who has it worse. By seeking out those who have it worse and trying to help them, I think you are giving yourself an excellent form of therapy. I know it's worked for me.

Sometimes in order to get love, you have to give love.



Coolguy
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29 Sep 2014, 12:07 pm

You say that you volunteer. That's good. Remember, no matter how bad you think you may have it, there is always some one who has it worse. By seeking out those who have it worse and trying to help them, I think you are giving yourself an excellent form of therapy. I know it's worked for me.

Sometimes in order to get love, you have to give love.



downbutnotout
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29 Sep 2014, 1:06 pm

You say you volunteer, but what's the atmosphere there like socially? Even if you're around people, if you don't feel you share values and can have honest talks it's common to still feel lonely. The more you reach out a little bit to others in a friendly fashion, the less weight there is on one person who doesn't know you very well to cover that much need.



B19
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29 Sep 2014, 4:22 pm

I'm glad that you decided to take the risk of reaching out and that WP peeps reached back in ways that were meaningful to you. And you give others, maybe in much worse spaces today, the courage to reach out too.. Sometimes (like the great old Beatles song!) "we get by with a little help from our friends". I love hearing the last line of that song, the pitch suddenly rises at the end on a note of hope and celebration.
Have a great day! I'm off to play my Sergeant Pepper CD :)



bungleton
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29 Sep 2014, 6:17 pm

As a child I would listen to 'within you, without you' and 'a day in the life' on repeat :)
One of the best albums of all time. All!! Time!!

I'm on my way into work but will get back to y'all soon :)


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