Obsessive Controlling Autistic Parent

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Hattush
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26 Aug 2023, 9:44 am

Before I say anything else, let me say that I love my mom very much and I think that she's a great person.
But...
I am autistic. She is also autistic. We both have control issues. But the past few years she has gone absolutly crazy controlling EVERYTHING. She wouldn't let do anything on the computer until I was sixteen. I didn't get my own phone until I was seventeen. I wasn't able to get a job until eighteen. She wouldn't even let me walk alone in our very safe neighborhood until I was eighteen and we had a huge fight about it. I still can't drive and if I manage to get my license one of these days, I'll never be allowed to go anywhere.
I would understand her controlling behaviors if I had been a troublesome kid, but I never was. We moved around A LOT (every couple years) so I never had friends. I was homeschooled so I spent pretty much my whole life inside the house. I never did drugs or alcohol or anything like that.
I just don't get why she has to be so crazy controlling. It's not just me either, it's my whole family including my dad. She's making him absolutly miserable by telling him where he can and can't go, by shooting down all of his ideas and such.
Is this just an autistic thing or is it something more? How can I start to be more independent but at the same time avoid hurting her or having her lose her mind because I *gasps* want to do something without her being in charge of every second of it?
Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.



timf
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26 Aug 2023, 10:38 am

Sometimes people try to control their anxieties by controlling others. For parents who see how dangerous the world can be, this can sometimes result in attempting to control everything to prevent tragedy. For parents with excessive anxieties, this can result in an excessive desire to control.

No one can be completely protected from all the bad things that can happen. Parents should help their children learn how to more safely navigate a dangerous world than to hide from it.

If your mother can be made to recognize when her anxieties are making her too controlling, she might be able to dial it back a few notches.



Hattush
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26 Aug 2023, 5:02 pm

Absolutly. She is a very anxious, fearful person. She was abused in her past and hurt by strangers which makes her want to protect her children from that. I get it and I am thankful for her heart. But I am so frustrated as well because I feel like I will never gain independence and never be able to do anything at all on my own. Whenever I try to talk to her about her control freak tendencies (in a loving, kind way), she has a complete and total meltdown. Not sure what to do about it.



SharonB
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26 Aug 2023, 7:14 pm

I would say it's personality with the ASD contributing to its extreme. My mom and I are both Autistic and we are both lenient mothers (to an extreme). However, my mom passed on her abuse as judgment. I was 40 when I figured out how to manage her (providing comfort in the face of her discomfort). Good luck figuring out your dynamic earlier if you can. It's possible.