Mucking in

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One thing I often get embarrassed about in company is when there's something to do and I'm the only one around who doesn't roll up his sleeves and "muck in" to help. It makes me feel like a lazy, uncaring slob. It's not that I don't care or that I don't want to work for anybody but myself. It's just that I don't know what to do, that would help. I can't second-guess what is wanted of me. If I try, I usually end up doing more harm than good. If I go against my natural inclinations and ask how I can help, the reply isn't usually clear enough for me to understand. "Mucking in" is a good phrase for it, because it highlights the "muck" part of the deal - helping out when the remit is rather messy and blurred. It's a shame, because I get the impression that being helpful like that is seen as a virtue.

Do you have trouble mucking in? I would imagine the difficulty correlates strongly with AS, because we tend to need clear instructions, but let's see.

Yes I understand what you mean - everyone else seems to know just what to do without any instructions or exchange of information. They just "do it".

In random impromptu situations, yes.

generally when there is something random and physical to be done by a group of people, unless given clear instructions I tend to just end up being frustrated about how to look like I am helping.

If its a repetitive thing, I will aggressively seek out a single responsibility that I can take on and enjoy taking on as soon as possible and then I will own and take it over. If other people want to contribute with that one specific task, then they would be helping me out instead of the other way around.

Yep, especially in large groups.

If I see a lot of people around me working away and doing things, i'm the guy in the middle of it all doing nothing and looking totally lost.

Its like "What should I do? Who should I be helping? If I help this person, will it upset somebody else? Oh no, I need to do something or people will think I don't want to help..."

Then I hit the panic button and before I know it anxiety kicks in and I get a bad case of sensory overload.

Fun aint it?

I usually just declare that I'll help and mention explicitly what I'll help with. Problem solved.

Then they either say yes or decline and make another suggestion or say something such as "you don't have to" which basically means (unless you're messing with people who hate you) "please, please help me out but let's pretend I'm not worth the effort" or "let's test your resolve and expose you in case you're really a lazy slug".

That's probably an improvement on my "how can I help?" approach. If they accept, at least I already know what the point is of helping in that way, because I thought of it. And it makes for better control of the situation, because if I invite instructions, even if the reply is clear, I could end up being micro-managed.


Likewise. I think Aspies are usually better off when given their head (which can't be done in a really collective muck-in), with an area of responsibility they can make their own.


I hear that! It's one of the reasons I tend to stay away from group ventures. It's good to be able to put it into words and see that I'm not the only one who has felt that way.

Yes, I think I have that sort of trouble a lot.

For instance, when my stepmom gets home with groceries and is carrying them up the stairs, I kind of start this outline in my mind of: oh, she got groceries. hmmm, i wonder what she got. that looks like a lot of groceries...i thought we were broke this week? oh, she is going up and down the stairs a lot...why isn't someone helping her?' It's only then that I realize...DUH, that person is me. It's often too late then to assist.

I've never heard that expression before, but I think I know what you mean. It's hard to be in a situation where you're supposed to "just jump right in!" For example, a couple of years ago, my mother and I helped out setting up for a toy drive at Christmas time. The whole room was a mess! No one told us where they wanted anything. One of the teenage boys who was volunteering there helped us out, but otherwise, no one was that helpful to us. Except for the volunteer director, who worked at the food pantry where I was volunteering, no one was that friendly. And you couldn't ask anyone anything, either, or they got annoyed. Then my mom noticed that there were signs on the wall, with age groups written on them. Plus, toys are heavy! We decided we would not do it again next year. I was hoping it would be a more positive experience.

I think its connected to a lack of initiative and a lack of observational skills.

Me and my ex used to row about 'mucking in' with chores more than anything else.

he is someone who is not good at taking initiative or at observing what others are doing or how they do it so he finds it hard to 'muck in' doing chores. I dont like telling people to do stuff as it makes me feel bossy and Im also not good at describing what I want done or how i want it doing and im also quite particular and like things done my way and so it was a nightmare situation for my ex who wants to join in and feels lazy and useless if he doesnt but he is not a 'self starter' and cant 'just do it'.

It doesnt help that I want to do it myself and my way and dont like making a visitor help, I want him to have a nice time not to do horrid chores.

So we rowed and rowed about it and found no good solutions.

I have trouble with helping others. It's not that I don't like to help, because I DO like to help, but I'm often unsure of what to do. I usually end up just getting in the way, and being more of a hindrance than a help. People often get annoyed with me standing there when they're all busy moving stuff about, and somebody often asks me to help carry something or lift something, and they ask it in a voice which means ''why-are-you-just-standing-around-not-doing-anything-helpful?''

I've learnt that it's better to ask them if they want me to help and what they want me to do, rather than me just standing there waiting to be given an instruction.

absolutely. when i was at school i was always too nervous to get the science equipment out of the cupboard. at college i was too nervous to get the computer equipment out of the cupboard. i would always just let other people do things that had to be done in front of anybody else

I have found that people seem to think better of me if I just dive in and do something, even if that something turns out wrong. At least then they can correct me, tell me what I should be doing instead. Given a choice between appearing stupid and appearing lazy, I'll take stupid. People look down on it just a bit less.

In my own way I'm good at mucking in. As long as I can see a clear task I can complete I can make myself pretty useful, ideally it'd be something I can get done on my own. So, beach cleaning, yuck, too much to do, no end. Clearing a field after a party, possible, enjoyable. Same task, different position.

I can't stand the milling around when there is no clear purpose though, yet others seem to enjoy this the most, probably because it's more of a social thing.

I'll always ask someone who looks lost if they need directions and just do general helpful things, like hold open doors, carry things or take messages, pick up dropped items and so on..
I think I just know that I'm socially a useless lemon, so I guess I just want to show that I have some purpose. I'm not going to make small talk, but if you need any help, I'm there.

Jason.

I think I do have this problem. I don't seem to respond fast enough in situations and by the time I do, someone else had beat me to it and other times I am not so sure if I should help or not so I don't act on it.

I usually just end up getting in the way or doing something wrong, so I try to avoid "helping" people...but people usually refuse my offers anyway. I just try to disappear somewhere else and act as though I've been busy doing something else, rather than just hanging around as a spare part.

Yes, for sure. I was fired from the only job I've ever had because in essence I followed instructions too closely. Apparently if I was free I was supposed to look around to see if anyone needed help but that was never told to me and it would never have occurred to me on my own.