NT having problems with AS friends
So most of my friends are on the Autistic spectrum, and I'm just having problems with it.
A lot of what they talk about is related to Autism, and I just feel really un-included. Like, I just can't identify with any of it, and it just makes me really depressed that I can't join in with any of it.
Like, I have supported them in the past, but it's getting harder to do so, because I feel like they just wouldn't need to include me. I just feel like the token allistic.
I know how horrible and patronising this sounds, but I just needed a place to vent, and see if anyone had any advice.
What exactly do their conversations sound like?
If it's like about the molecular organization of an autistic brain, I can understand, but if they're just talking about "That's weird, don't do it" and stuff, I don't see why you couldn't relate.
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You need to make some NT friends to talk about NT things with so you can balance out the autistic ones. I'm autistic and I've learned from having mostly ADHD friends that hanging out with only one type of people can drive you nuts after a while. I now am happier with a mix of aspies NTs and ADHDs.
Maybe you could join a meetup group based on an interest of yours that none of your current friends have.
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I've totally had this problem... At the beginning of the year, a junior girl who's bisexual and autistic developed a massive crush on me and latched on to me, I didnt want to be cruel so I put up with her.. And I guess I developed a soft spot for her quirky ways (no homo!! haha), and we're now friends. But its hard to explain to AS people how you have trouble relating to them, just as it would be difficult for them to explain the same to you. I'd definitely suggest making some new friends outside of this circle, because I dont think I'd be able to survive in a group of AS people... I like talking about everything from girly stuff to advanced made in the treatment of ALS, and none of the aspies I know seem to get that, theyre too interested in their specific things! In a totally good way haha. Good luckk:)
A lot of what they talk about is related to Autism, and I just feel really un-included. Like, I just can't identify with any of it, and it just makes me really depressed that I can't join in with any of it.
Like, I have supported them in the past, but it's getting harder to do so, because I feel like they just wouldn't need to include me. I just feel like the token allistic.
I know how horrible and patronising this sounds, but I just needed a place to vent, and see if anyone had any advice.
An NT and most of their friends are autistic? How the hell did this happen? This is hillarious!
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It is an interesting position to be in, that's for sure. Usually it's the autistic person who is bored by their NT friends' small talk. So, in an odd way, I guess we've probably all been there more or less.
How I deal with it, is just to ask myself: Well, do I like hanging out with these people even though their talk bores me? And if yes, then I just have to accept that most of the small talk isn't going to be something I'll find engaging. If no, then I start drifting away, find people who like to talk about what I like to talk about, and just stay on friendly acquaintance-level terms with them.
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A lot of what they talk about is related to Autism, and I just feel really un-included. Like, I just can't identify with any of it, and it just makes me really depressed that I can't join in with any of it.
Like, I have supported them in the past, but it's getting harder to do so, because I feel like they just wouldn't need to include me. I just feel like the token allistic.
I know how horrible and patronising this sounds, but I just needed a place to vent, and see if anyone had any advice.
An NT and most of their friends are autistic? How the hell did this happen? This is hillarious!
I know it's unusual, it's normally the other way around. You see, I met most of my other friends through one person, who is an Aspie, so she's involved in the AS community.
I do enjoy talking with them one-on-one, but it just seems to be when they're in a group, all they really talk about is AS, so I'm just kinda left to twiddle my thumbs.
I mean, I have plenty of NT friends too, but I do spend more time with my AS friends.
Tell them?
Seriously, if I happened to get upset about someone talking regularly about one thing that I absolutely can't contribute to for an inhumane length of time (read: more than 30 minutes or so), I'll point it out to them.
Of course, I'll point it out in a way that suits them, that takes into account their social skills and emotional maturity (after all, even normal people differ quite drastically in that aspect) and I'll make sure that they understand that I am interested in them as a friend despite my criticism.
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Seriously, if I happened to get upset about someone talking regularly about one thing that I absolutely can't contribute to for an inhumane length of time (read: more than 30 minutes or so), I'll point it out to them.
Of course, I'll point it out in a way that suits them, that takes into account their social skills and emotional maturity (after all, even normal people differ quite drastically in that aspect) and I'll make sure that they understand that I am interested in them as a friend despite my criticism.
I understand, but I feel it's a bit different because it's not just a hobby or something, so it's not like I can just say "I'm just not that interested, can we talk about something else?"
Personally, I don't think so. They are talking about themselves and that's something they choose to do in your presence whether they are aware of that it makes you feel excluded if those conversations go way out of hand or not. And being autistic isn't exactly a hot news that you have to talk about right now because it never happened before - one is autistic 24/7, there's plenty of time for an autistic person to talk about something else if they really want to.
However, phrasing your expression of disinterest (and your request to include you into their conversations more by choosing more topics that you all can participate in as I guess that is what you'd like) and have fun like you just did would be a little awkward indeed. That's very flat-out and doesn't tell the person you're saying this to what motivated you to want to change the topic.
Do you know what meta-communication is? Rather than trying to change the topic when the others are talking non-stop and making you feel left out, it might be wiser to pick a calm moment in which the group's fairly relaxed and to then explicitly tell them about how you feel (and why you feel like this and that you want to spend more time actively involved with them/spend more time included into conversations). Don't (accidentally) accuse them by saying stuff similar to "you always do X/do X all the time" or "you never do Y" (because accusing someone doesn't exactly help the situation) but point out how you feel (talk about yourself, "when you happen to do X, I feel...").
Don't forget to bring up an alternative, a selection of topics or even activities that you know from experience will be fun for most of you. Imagine they'd try to tone talking about very autistic-like stuff down a little for you - what would you guys talk about then? What do you have in common? Surely, you wouldn't talk about something that solely interests you instead (then they'd point out that they feel a little left out soon, hehe) and you guys wouldn't want to sit around in silence either, do you.
If they truly like you as their friend, they will listen to what you have to say and will try to work on a solution that feels good for all of you together with you.
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Autism + ADHD
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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett
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