Fear of failure in special interest?

Post Reply New Topic

Do any of you have special interests that you think about a lot but are at least somewhat restricted in acting on because you fear failure?

No because that's how I learn.

I probably do.

There are projects that I think about a lot, but never really start or get very far with, because they are very complicated. For example, making a dictionary or grammar of a language I like, where resources are fairly rare in English. I obsess about the project from time to time, even maybe start a page collecting information, but run into the Wall of Complexity - and it just all looks too hard. And then, some time later, when the problems are no longer fresh in my mind, I'll start thinking about the same project again. I can keep doing this on and off about certain particular pet projects for years.

Lately I started writing a computer program that I had been thinking about for ages (basically designing my own programming language). I have tried many times before, got bogged down, and given up, only to start again from scratch some time later when I had forgotten just how complicated the project was. In my current iteration of this project, I am actually making seriously good strides ...I have gotten MUCH further than I have ever gotten before.

So I don't know whether that all counts as "perseveration", or just intermittent obsessions (they come and go, repeatedly), or something else (executive dysfunction?).

I do not know about not trying for fear of failure, but just because it is a special interest does not mean I am good at it. One of my early special interests (has faded since college) was soccer. I knew all about soccer and all the teams and the leagues and the rules and the players etc. I even played soccer, but I am not very good at playing soccer. After years of practice and playing soccer I am only a moderate defender (and mostly bad at forward and midfielder and I cannot be a goaly).

A special interest means that I learn the information for the interest, I probably even try to do it, but I may not be great at it, but I still try. I do improve by dent of repeated practice because I am interested in it, It has been almost 10 years that I have been doing calligraphy, and only in the past year has my work been decent enough to show in public (like around my home, not good enough to sell). I am getting better at it, but I was awful to start with, but I still have a mild obsession with it.

When I was really into philosophy, I'd envision speaking at conferences and being one of the best philosophers in the world.

And I have to be this good to receive love, I mean, really? To have people appreciate me, respect me, make overtures of friendship?

No, of course I don't. I just need to be myself. (and I can reciprocate the overtures medium step by medium step)

But I had so much of my ego invested in philosophy that with papers, a fair amount of writer's block.

To clarify (or not, I don't know), here are a few further thoughts:

When I got to the age of about 7-8 onward, I started to be teased for answering questions incorrectly at school. I don't know if that was schadenfreude because I rarely did so, because of my often over-the-top anger at myself for doing so (which I had always had), both, or something else. I think this may have fed back into me setting far higher standards for myself than anyone else would set for me, because to do something incorrectly meant I was "stupid".

Later, at university, I quickly became aware that my interest in computers was far deeper than most, who seemed to be there either because there was "money in computers" (true enough at the time; it was just before the "dot com crash"), or because they sort of liked using computers and wanted to go to university to do something or other. Early on, the work was so easy that I didn't have to try, so I developed a habit of doing exactly that, also, I was taking advantage of the university's resources (borrowing huge stacks of books from the library, and roaming the network) to research extra-curricular things. I think I developed a semi-conscious line of thinking that it was ok for some people to study hard because they had to overcome the obstacles of not being as interested or talented as I supposedly was, but if I worked hard and failed (ie: anything less than excellent results), it would mean I must be "stupid". Of course, some of the work was just plain boring - technologies I disliked or areas of study I felt were irrelevant, which didn't help, either.

Then, when I realised toward the end of my course that I had been doing this, I thought about trying to change my habits, but then realised that if I did change, and improved my results, which I could have done from the very beginning, then that would mean I had really been failing all along. I have recently read that this is a symptom of fear of success.

Does this sound reasonable?

Yes. I'm afraid I won't get into graduate school, or that I won't be persistent enough to gain the knowledge of psychology and engineering that I need to be a good assistive technology designer. I'm afraid I can't work hard enough, or that I'll lose interest. But the only alternative seems to be to give up on my special interests altogether, and that would just be stupid.

I, like you, was into philosophy as a young man. As a graduate student at Oxford my fear of failure paralysed me completely in the end so that I couldn't write a single word any more. I gave up on academic philosophy as a result and though it hurt at the time I don't mind at all now because I had another SI to fall back on and now I'm glad that nothing came of that career. Doing what I do now is more rewarding. So, yes, OP, I know what it's like for fear of failure to impede progress in one's special interest.

Very much so. I used to be quite interested in biology and wildlife, but as I had been slacking off in terms of educating myself during my late teens, I couldn't shake the feeling that I would be unable to "compare to all those other kids who had the same interest and were already miles ahead of me". As time passed, that anxiety only grew and grew, while at the same time, my interest in wildlife slowly but surely faded. Which is bizarre, because it was quite a comfortable special interest; fascinating and satisfying. I was just approaching it from the wrong angle, an angle of wanting to compete with people, a desire to show off my brains. Very egotistical motivations. And that's where I fell.

Now I have a new special interest where I was able to begin with a clean slate. By no means am I an expert on that interest, but I feel very relaxed about it, and that's always good.