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Frankie_J
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15 Apr 2012, 6:54 pm

I think it takes a lot of people a matter of a second, just by looking at you, to determine how to treat you and to establish what kind of person you are. It's a really illogical thing, but it always happens.

Personal examples:

- I'd be queuing up in a shop and the people being served before me were being told about a special offer for perfume. Once it was my turn the same worker didn't say anything to me. They must have just assumed something about me.

- I was at the theatre and the attendant was being very polite and helpful to someone in front of me. As soon as she got to checking my ticket she said nothing.

- At school there were a few people who'd treat me badly for no reason. One girl I overheard saying she thought I "wasn't very nice" when we've never even spoken before and I never did or said anything nasty to her.

My question is.... are aspies more likely to give off these 'vibes' to people? Vibes that make them think "Uh, they don't seem very nice" or make them not want to treat you like they do everyone else. Is it just because we may be just quiet or awkward?



Aharon
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15 Apr 2012, 7:05 pm

I know there was a long period where noone would talk to me, but I figured out with some help that I was sending the wrong signals. People may assume you're not friendly if you keep your head down, make little or no eye contact, speak very formally, have a serious looking (not warm and smiling) face, have a monotone voice, and who knows what else. I learned to walk around and smile at people if they met my gaze (a slight smile and maybe a nod and then move on), sometimes give a short hello, and with practice, it does get better.


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ManicMinx
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15 Apr 2012, 7:12 pm

I can relate to this all too much. I've always wondered why people treated me differently and I have just barely begun to make my own theories. I've just realized not so long ago how important eye contact and a pleasant look on your face can make people see you as more approachable, but it's sort of rare for me to be able to do this. I have to be in a good mood and not so anxious, but sometimes I don't feel like being so friendly. Before I started making these observations, I would go out to clubs or bars and I would notice some of the regulars didn't like me very much. After a while you figure out who likes you and who doesn't. Looking back I feel that perhaps it was because they couldn't read me or they sensed I had my guard up. I do tend to have this wall that blocks out everyone except those that I do like. So yeah, I think you're right. People can read your face and body language whether they can pinpoint it or not, they may pick up on it by instinct that you have a wall and you like to pretty much be left alone or you're there for a certain purpose and not to chit chat and stuff like that.



Frankie_J
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15 Apr 2012, 7:25 pm

I don't want to walk around with a fixed, false smile on my face just so people think I'm okay.

I know what you mean, though. I was sitting on a train once and a group of middle-aged, moronic men started giggling and looked at me and one said "Sad-faced b***h" and I looked over at him, and the other guy said "Oops. She's looking at you now". That kind of hurt. When it's adults, too. They seemed like they didn't have two brain cells to rub together, though, so whatever.



TheSunAlsoRises
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15 Apr 2012, 7:36 pm

Frankie_J wrote:
I don't want to walk around with a fixed, false smile on my face just so people think I'm okay.

I know what you mean, though. I was sitting on a train once and a group of middle-aged, moronic men started giggling and looked at me and one said "Sad-faced b***h" and I looked over at him, and the other guy said "Oops. She's looking at you now". That kind of hurt. When it's adults, too. They seemed like they didn't have two brain cells to rub together, though, so whatever.



When you have a neutral expression on your face, people have a tendency to interpret THAT as being aloof, arrogant, or unkind. Unfortunately, their FIRST impression of YOU sets the tone on how they will treat you in the future.

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ManicMinx
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15 Apr 2012, 7:47 pm

Frankie_J wrote:
I don't want to walk around with a fixed, false smile on my face just so people think I'm okay.

I know what you mean, though. I was sitting on a train once and a group of middle-aged, moronic men started giggling and looked at me and one said "Sad-faced b***h" and I looked over at him, and the other guy said "Oops. She's looking at you now". That kind of hurt. When it's adults, too. They seemed like they didn't have two brain cells to rub together, though, so whatever.


That's horrible. People can be so ignorant sometimes. I would've started yelling obscenities at them.



Frankie_J
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15 Apr 2012, 8:01 pm

ManicMinx wrote:
Frankie_J wrote:
I don't want to walk around with a fixed, false smile on my face just so people think I'm okay.

I know what you mean, though. I was sitting on a train once and a group of middle-aged, moronic men started giggling and looked at me and one said "Sad-faced b***h" and I looked over at him, and the other guy said "Oops. She's looking at you now". That kind of hurt. When it's adults, too. They seemed like they didn't have two brain cells to rub together, though, so whatever.


That's horrible. People can be so ignorant sometimes. I would've started yelling obscenities at them.


Lol. Yeah. That was when I was younger. These days I have no patience at all for fuckheads, so I probably would have gone "....EXCUSE ME?!?!?" and shocked the crap out of them.



ManicMinx
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15 Apr 2012, 8:03 pm

Frankie_J wrote:
ManicMinx wrote:
Frankie_J wrote:
I don't want to walk around with a fixed, false smile on my face just so people think I'm okay.

I know what you mean, though. I was sitting on a train once and a group of middle-aged, moronic men started giggling and looked at me and one said "Sad-faced b***h" and I looked over at him, and the other guy said "Oops. She's looking at you now". That kind of hurt. When it's adults, too. They seemed like they didn't have two brain cells to rub together, though, so whatever.


That's horrible. People can be so ignorant sometimes. I would've started yelling obscenities at them.


Lol. Yeah. That was when I was younger. These days I have no patience at all for f****, so I probably would have gone "....EXCUSE ME?!?!?" and shocked the crap out of them.


Yup! That's me now. I used to be extremely shy, but now it's getting harder for me to filter myself. I'm just starting not to give a f**k and it feels great! LOL



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15 Apr 2012, 8:07 pm

Unfortunately, it's true, most people make a judgement about you in the first 5-10 seconds of seeing you, a judgement that is hard to change. There's not a whole lot for them to judge you by in those 10 seconds except for appearance and nonverbal communication, so that's what they go by.



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15 Apr 2012, 8:07 pm

Seems pretty true for the most part. Wearing a fake smile tends to help a bit.



Mego
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15 Apr 2012, 9:35 pm

I honestly dont give a rats ass how the outer world perceives me. I find that the people who get to know me by talking to me are pretty good people and they seem to understand. I think if you see me as unapproachable or cold then thats your issue.



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15 Apr 2012, 9:39 pm

I certainly do. I've been told I look incredibly angry all the time :lol:


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Blueberrypie
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15 Apr 2012, 10:49 pm

Laugh - and the World laughs with you.
Weep - and you weep alone
For the brave old Earth must borrow its mirth
But has troubles enough of its own


There's a lot of truth in that poem. It's up to you whetever you want to act on this knowledge or not. It's not necessarily easy, but it oils the social wheels so to say. If you look sour and grumpy, well... Don't expect people to be all 'rainbows and unicorns' when they encounter you.

Does Aspies give out bad vibes? It depends entirely on body-language.



scarter
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15 Apr 2012, 11:34 pm

Oh yes. I can relate to this. But do we give off a bad vibe, or just a different vibe? A lot of normal people just can't stand the idea that everyone in the world isn't just like them. It's called bigotry. And a lot of normal people are just plain stupid. I'd rather be weird and smart than a typical, normal Nebraska moron. And I've tried to act normal. It usually backfires. So why bother? To truly act normal you have to be normal, and to be normal, you have to dumb down your I.Q. No thanks.



Last edited by scarter on 15 Apr 2012, 11:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

dt18
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15 Apr 2012, 11:36 pm

Unfortunately, I think this happens to us on the spectrum. I know I can inadvertently give out bad vibes from time to time, even if it isn't intentional. I wonder what it is about us that causes this to happen. Facial expressions possibly? I know people misconstrue what I say and do from time to time even if that wasn't what my intention was.



BobinPgh
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15 Apr 2012, 11:38 pm

What I can not figure out sometimes is what is it that rates so badly? I have seen all people with dirty looks (if that is what we are talking about here). Sometimes I look like I am in pain - well, sometimes my back hurts and I am in pain. Or if it looks like something bad happened to you and too many bad things happen to us because of our "disorder". I have been told I am anxious and my answer: is that so terrible? I guess it is but there are worse things that people can be doing.