hate feeling in-between! help

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I hate feeling in-between. It makes me feel worthless. What i mean by in-between is not appearing autistic enough to feel special and on the other hand not feeling "normal" enough to fit in and make it in society. And i feel like im in-between and it sucks i just wish i was either more autistic to feel special or just NT. Because there is alot of myths about autism and what people think you should be like. And alot of people seem to think the more autistic u are the more help you will get or the more gifted you are and therefore the more attention and feeling of being important. I cant help but to think when i hear the word autism or someone that is autistic they have it more than me and need help in stuff and then i start to feel guilty for getting help in certain areas cus i feel like im not good enough. Because i guess i've been grown to believe that having autism is like a really good thing and i know it is a good thing but thinking that your not special or worth nothing unless you have autism is bad thinking and its not true i know cus if it were true God wouldnt have made NT people. I know quite a few people that have autistic children that "seem" to treat them like gold and hardly pay attention to their NT children. And i know its very hard as a parent to balance that out when you have a child with special needs but then some of these NT kids feel like they aren't as good as their siblings. I know one little girl who had an autistic sister and the mom was telling my mom how her NT kid said to her one day, "mommy why dont i have autism too? I wish i can be autism too so you and daddy can love me too." and that broke my heart to hear that cus altho i do have aspergers but i kinda get what she was sayin cus i feel like im in-between and i hate it like not autistic enough and not NT enough. And if you are NT you dont have to worry about that stuff and be able to make friends and do stuff and im not sure but you might feel special and important too. Has anyone else felt the same way?

Sort of. I think my feelings are a bit different but along the same lines. I feel like I am always "borderline something", including AS. I hardly ever seem to be clearly slotted in anywhere, whether that's being talented at something (I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but not brilliant at anything), having a particular medical illness (doctors tend to say "the symptoms suggest there might be something going on by I can't say for sure"), anything really. It makes it difficult to plan my life, to make things happen, because there's no clear "label" to work with. It's the same with AS - I have been diagnosed, but at the very mild end, so I both fit in and don't fit in with the NT and AS worlds.

Edit: Oh I just realised you put "help" at the end of your title. Sorry...I have none

I feel the same way!

You may be undervaluing yourself somewhere. I know I have undervalued myself grossly in the past, and I still do. I know I am smarter than a lot of people in certain areas, but as soon as someone criticizes me, I'm inclined to just think, "Oh, man, I knew it... I'm crap."
It takes a long time to build a self esteem, and it's often very fragile in the process. Sorta like playing Jenga. Just keep trying, and relish the moments when you actually feel smart or useful. Also, don't be ashamed of yourself when a particular criticism makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. More than likely, you will crawl back out a few days later to someone telling you THEY made a mistake, and you did nothing wrong in the first place.

Yes I hate feeling in-between too. I think since my symptoms aren't very apparent or are too mild when people meet me they don't think "that girl's autistic" or "that girl has a disability" they just think "this girl's weird/creepy/stupid etc" or just "eww I don't like her"

Yes this is exactly how I feel. It's so horrible because everyday I do awkward things and I misinterpret what people say and make social mistakes but they're not too big so I manage to cover it up most of the time so no one really notices, but it makes me feel like a failure evertime I do. I have friends but no best friends and it makes me so sad because I see other people who have friends which they're so close too they can tell anything and joke with.
So because I have friends and can cover up my awkwardness fairly well people don't believe me when I say I feel like I have no best friends and that I'm awkward around people. But I feel it and notice it everyday.
I also relate to what Yellowtamarin said, like I always feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown but I never quite get to the point of losing it so I can't really get help because I feel fine by the time I'm around a psychologist or whatever.

I can never seem to tell whether people actually want advice or just to commiserate. I'm not just in between NT and AS, I'm in between male and female thought-wise. It's really frustrating.
I actually told a psychologist about how I associate more easily with men and have a hard time understanding women... her first question: "Do you think you want to become a man?" I was like... huh?!

I can empathize with how you feel. I am self-supporting and live by myself but at the same time I am very inept socially. As a result I am treated like I am not worthy of even taking up space. Although I tend to filter everything logically and intelligently; I am still treated like a non-entity. I guess these are just some of the things we need to put up with as Aspies.

You're definitely not alone in this. Many of us here, myself included, are inbetweeners. We don't really fit one description or another perfectly but know we have problems dealing with people. Some of us may also have other autistic issues as well, but they are generally not severe enough to be clinically significant. While this may be the case, I don't think it is necessarily desirable to be more disabled than you really are. What you and the rest of us need is to find people who will accept us as we are. It may be that this means you will never have a lot of friends, but if you are like me, you will have a few extremely close friends that are loyal to you and willing to go the extra mile to help you in your times of need. You should feel blessed if you do. Many NTs do not have close friendships and instead have lots and lots of superficial ones. Thus, they have no one they can really turn to in their time of need when that time is not fun for the other party. It just takes time to find these people and develop the relationships. This might not happen in school but rather when you get out in the real world where aspie interpersonal skills are more valuable to the right people.

If you are an inbetweener, you may have an easier time learning to read social cues than someone who is more disabled in this regard. Learn to listen to what people are saying and look at what they are doing when they say it. In time, this will make it easier to pick up on things so that you can better relate to them. Also, many times it helps just to let people talk without offering much in return. Most people like to talk about themselves and their lives and sometimes all they want is someone to use as a sounding board.

thanks im soo glad im not alone in this and it helps to know and it makes me feel better to hear from some of u that u also feel this way at times..its a sucky feeling