Infinite self-discipline (and losing it!)

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Hi,

I used to have a seemingly infinite amount of self-discipline.
All my life I just soldiered on, despite many huge setbacks...

For example, I was born with a massively undeveloped fine and course motor-control and zero balance.
This required me to practice stuff like catching a ball for about five years on end. Each day I'd try to throw a tennisball against a wall and catch it.

Without anyone instructing me too (or praising too much for it) I did what was needed; learn to imitate NT speech and mannerism, fake inflection when talking etc. etc.
Or just do my homework straight away, study a lot, do jobs around the house, read as many books as I could find, attend social meetings...
Basically anything that took a lot of effort I kept pouring in near infinite amounts of energy and time, like taking on waaay too much work.

This makes for a bit of a battle with my current autism psychologist who is all "You must accept that you have and always will have, a handicap. You should stop asking me for tricks to emulate things you cannot do."
That's besides the point though, because I want to talk about having the drive to self-improve or just do difficult stuff that (might) present some reward far off into the future.

My problem is, when I burnt out four or so years ago I completely lost the infinite energy.
I used to auto-pilot through stuff at full speed, and not feel tired or lost, nor lose interest.

For example, I've tried many, many times over the years to start learning Japanese, but somehow after a while I notice I've stopped doing it for months!
I started learning the piano 20 months ago or so, and for the first year I'd just practice it every evening for half an hour.
I just *did* it. Now I often say "Sigh, I'm too tired now!" or practice half and say "urgh, these hard pieces... I'll do them tomorrow".

I guess you could say I am finally feeling my body giving up/alerting me of low energy, which is a good thing as I can "guard my borders" and prevent burn-out or headaches.
But I really wish I could go back, life was just... easier and more fulfilling (to be able to say; Yup, I've studied last night! I study *every* night, so duh!).

Anyone else lose their infinite willpower/self-discipline like this?
Have you still got it?

I had the drive too but interacting with people and people treating me badly and things that have happened to me recently have taken my drive away-it is tough to rebound.

I can relate. My problem isn't that people are telling me to stop, it's that people expect me to live up to what I used to be able to do. And so I must figure out strategies to push myself to do such things, even if it's detrimental to me, I have to do it for at least a short time.

It's weird how the overcompensation works, though. And yes, as a kid, I'd spend hours on end throwing a ball against a wall trying to catch it better, kicking footballs over trees to learn to kick better, etc. I got diagnosed more or less as an adult, at 17 out of high school. But, there's just a time where the endless self discipline...runs out. And nobody else sympathizes, as they expect your prior performance. There's other times where things are just paradoxical. Why can I drive for fun through some back roads for hours if I was allowed to, and then have a meltdown if I gotta drive on the highway with people in the car? That doesn't make sense to people at all.

But for me, having sympathy on myself and my broken brain doesn't work. I can't. People expect too much of me, and so I must find ways to keep going along, even if they're sometimes detrimental to me (ie, caffeine addictions.) Because stuff has to get done, and as a man, you cannot just go sit and cry, it has to get done, regardless of how I "feel" one way or the other.

Life changes. Probably something is different or missing in your current situation. Suffice it to say, if you drive yourself into burnouts with certain methods, you likely won't be able to reuse those methods in the near future.

In my case I think that the key is motivation. See this thread I created today. I can't really go for stress and anxiety anymore. It is like drugs, after a time it takes more and more and eventually they won't work anymore (meaning that you are normal while under the influence and in withdrawal without). Brains really don't care where the neurotransmitter de- or increase comes from, they will eventually adapt to it anyway.

I used to have a huge drive to self-improve and try to sort of fit in but the more I have failed, the more my faith in accomplishment has disintegrated.

When I was a teen I tried to teach myself how to speak Latvian. I failed. I picked up the guitar and did successflly teach myself how to play it. I guess, with the Latvian, I wasn't going to Latvia anyway, so why bother. With the guitar, though, I'd planned to rule the world. I taught myself other things (piano, music engineering (Cubase), art, screenplay and short story writing, song writing, etc) and I guess those are where my strengths are.

Lost it with age or maybe just spend it all.

Trying to fit in for so many years and spending so much energy on pointless stuff, and only working / sleeping for many many years. That atleast didn help.

But yeah it sucks being bad at self improving.

Kenjitsuka, I've experienced almost exactly what you've described from burnout.

I spent about over 30 years 'soldiering on' before it got me! my self discipline and capacity for work and striving against the odds was pretty impressive...in many ways. Then quite suddenly I lost it (crashed into depression as well as a result).

I'm currently having to work on not giving up anytime I think I'm starting to feel stressed out...I've gone from always pushing through...to now I seemed to have reversed and want to give myself too much downtime.

I have had to realise it is ok to have downtime, that I do not need to feel guilty about doing this, but not to overdo it.

What's helped as well is realising I'm not going to let myself burnout like that again. That I do now know the danger signs and this is a good thing.

I've had to learn to encourage myself through kindness, rather than beating up on myself, I'm getting there.

I'm having to learn to get the balance right as I've never really done before.

The motivation IS coming back but it is SLOW....and can be very frustrating...